September 14, 2007

I always gave Joe a hard time about spending too much money and not having any savings. His response was always "well, I can't take it with me, I might as well enjoy it now" He was right he couldn't take it with him, but he sure the hell could have left it here with us!

My checking account balance is currently more than $300 overdrawn. I have NEVER had this happen before in my life. I have had to really worry about money since I was about 22 years old. If I needed money, it was there. If I just wanted money it was there. When I quit working in 2005 Joe started giving me $5,000 a month to pay bills and anything else we needed. I didn't even pay all the bills....he paid for a lot of them through his business. I only paid about $2,500 worth of bills and the rest was spent on groceries and anything else I wanted. And still if I needed more, he would have covered it. Now I'm supporting three kids and paying all the bills on about 1/2 that amount.

Today Dylan needed to go to the doctor and when we got in the car my gas light came on. I had no money and seeing that I have a negative balance, I couldn't use my debit card. I started crying because I knew we didn't have enough gas to get to Shreveport and back. Dylan went and got his piggy bank for me. I started crying more. I gave him his bank back, went to Joe's closet and found $5 in quarters. We went to the doctor and got gas on our way home. I haven't gotten $5 in gas since the early 90s. It doesn't go very far anymore snce gas is so expensive. My gas light was still on, but it did get us home. Hopefully tomorrow our social security check will have gone through and I'll have access to some money. But the car note and house note are both late, so I have a feeling we'll be in the same situation this month.

Next week I'm canceling call waiting and caller ID, and I might even cancel internet service. I'm trying to think of anything to save a few dollars. A few days ago Camryn brought home a t-shirt order form from school for a t-shirt they can wear to school on designated days. I couldn't order one. Today was jean day for her and she doesn't have any jeans. And I couldn't just go buy her a pair. She's going to have to wait until I can save up enough money to buy her a pair.

I can not believe this is how life is going to be from now on. Such a drastic change from where we were a year ago. If Joe can see us, I know his heart is breaking. He would have never wanted us to have to live like this. He prided himself on being able to provide us with nice things, with anything we wanted. And now here we are at a point where I don't even know how I'll pay for baby formula each week.