This weekend I thought a lot about Joe. I remember so vividly what we were doing last year at this time. It was our last weekend with him.....we didn't do anything special, but its still etched in my memory forever
Friday, Oct 20, 2006....when Joe came home from work we decided to go out to eat. I dressed the kids in their halloween t-shirts and we went to eat catfish.
Saturday, Oct.21, 2006....Camryn's socer game.....drove through North Bossier and Benton one last time to make sure I was happy with the land he was going to purchase.....went to eat with my parents at the downtown Nicky's.....I'll never forget Dylan running on that stage under the bridge, he would run as fast as he could off the edge, straight into joe's arms (he must have done it 25 times!)
Sunday, Oct. 22, 2006.....we skipped church because I wanted to finally take Camryn in to get 4 year old professional pics taken....all 4 of us went to Sears for the pictures, and then at Camryn's request we sat at a table in the mall and ate corndogs for lunch....when we came home I took a nap with the kids (I was 8 weeks pregnant) and Joe went out on his motorcycle for a while. When he came home he grilled dinner outside.
This weekend thats all I could think about....what we were doing last year, compared to how things are now. Its not that our life is so awful now, its just completely different.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
October 19, 2007
On top of everything else, I think I'm about to be seriously looking for a new house. We are quickly outgrowing this three bedroom house. I'm getting tired of my room being overtaken with a crib, baby dresser, etc. Also, with the price of gas, its killing me taking to and from school everyday. And it seems that its apparently a burden on anyone I ask for help because we live so far.
It going to be so hard to leave this house.
I have the greatest neighbors in the world. Some bring me dinner occasionally. They cut my grass. Take my kids for a walk so that I can occasionally have some down time. I know they would do anything they possibly could to help me. When I move I will just be looked upon as another single mom moving into the neighborhood.
This is where all of our memories are. Everywhere I look I see Joe. I look at the flower beds and remember how much time and work he put into them. I see the shop and remember all the hours spent out there with him while he worked on his motorcycle and truck. The gate he put up. The porch he built. The driveway he poured and put Camryn's handprints in. Its hard being here and having the constant reminders, but I think it will be even harder to leave, and go somewhere new without him.
I will finally have to admit to myself that he's never coming home. It will be forcing myself to shut the door on the past. Forcing myself to move on without him. To start a new life without him. I don't know that I'm ready to do that. I'm scared of what it will bring....scared of the emotions that will come with it.
Since the day after Joe died people have constantly talked about me moving. Until recently I have never brought the subject up to anyone. But they sure have felt compelled to talk to me about it....I've heard all kinds of opinions and advice that I haven't even asked for. "Where?" "When?" "Why are you waiting?" "Don't you know you have to move?" "You need to move to Bossier." "You need to move to South Shreveport." "You need to decide where and when you're going to start teaching again." "You can't expect people to help you if you stay in Stonewall." "Why would you want to stay there?" "You can't stay there."
The more I think about it the more pissed off I get. Has anyone stopped to think about the reasons I want to stay here as long as possible? Has anyone realized that I'm a 33 year old woman with three children....perfectly capable of making my own decisions. Yes, I'll need help with preparing to move and with the actual move. But as far as where and when...I think I'm perfectly capable of deciding on my own. Most people wanted me to pick up and move as soon as he died, as if our world hadn't already been turned upside down.
The more I think about it, maybe I'm not ready to be in the market for a house. I need to move when I'm ready to move....if I'm ever ready to move. Not just because I'm tired of the pressure people are putting on me.
It going to be so hard to leave this house.
I have the greatest neighbors in the world. Some bring me dinner occasionally. They cut my grass. Take my kids for a walk so that I can occasionally have some down time. I know they would do anything they possibly could to help me. When I move I will just be looked upon as another single mom moving into the neighborhood.
This is where all of our memories are. Everywhere I look I see Joe. I look at the flower beds and remember how much time and work he put into them. I see the shop and remember all the hours spent out there with him while he worked on his motorcycle and truck. The gate he put up. The porch he built. The driveway he poured and put Camryn's handprints in. Its hard being here and having the constant reminders, but I think it will be even harder to leave, and go somewhere new without him.
I will finally have to admit to myself that he's never coming home. It will be forcing myself to shut the door on the past. Forcing myself to move on without him. To start a new life without him. I don't know that I'm ready to do that. I'm scared of what it will bring....scared of the emotions that will come with it.
Since the day after Joe died people have constantly talked about me moving. Until recently I have never brought the subject up to anyone. But they sure have felt compelled to talk to me about it....I've heard all kinds of opinions and advice that I haven't even asked for. "Where?" "When?" "Why are you waiting?" "Don't you know you have to move?" "You need to move to Bossier." "You need to move to South Shreveport." "You need to decide where and when you're going to start teaching again." "You can't expect people to help you if you stay in Stonewall." "Why would you want to stay there?" "You can't stay there."
The more I think about it the more pissed off I get. Has anyone stopped to think about the reasons I want to stay here as long as possible? Has anyone realized that I'm a 33 year old woman with three children....perfectly capable of making my own decisions. Yes, I'll need help with preparing to move and with the actual move. But as far as where and when...I think I'm perfectly capable of deciding on my own. Most people wanted me to pick up and move as soon as he died, as if our world hadn't already been turned upside down.
The more I think about it, maybe I'm not ready to be in the market for a house. I need to move when I'm ready to move....if I'm ever ready to move. Not just because I'm tired of the pressure people are putting on me.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
October 15, 2007
Saturday Camryn had soccer pictures at 9am and then a game immediately following. We missed the pictures because they weren't at the same spot they were last year and no one informed me that the location had changed. So we just hung out on the playground with another family until it was time for her game. When it was time to start heading down for the game she ran off with the other family and left me behind dealing with the other 2 little ones. At Calvary there are about 100 soccer games all going on at once and apparently she wasn't playing on her usual field so when she ran off with the other family I couldn't find them. Courtlyn was crying in her stroller so I ended up holding her while I pushed the stroller with the other arm. Dylan couldn't keep up with me so he was whining the whole time. We walked up and down the fields 5 times looking for her when I finally gave up. I sat by a fence and started feeding Courtlyn, about that time Dylan started crying, and so did I. I was so completely overwhelmed. We missed pictures, now I couldn't find her, Dylan and Courtlyn were being difficult, and of course when things start getting bad the first thing I think about is Joe, and and how things would be so much better if he was here. So as I sat in the dirt crying, I looked up and spotted Camryn's team. I finished feeding Courtlyn, gained my composure, and went to see the last half of her game.
When we left we headed to the doctor because Camryn had been bit by a spider again. Except this time she had 3 bites. The one on her leg was swollen to the point that I don't know how she was even able to walk. So we went to the doctor and she was given a shot, put on antibiotics, and an antihistamine. When we left there I took them back to Calvary for the homecoming carnival. Surprisingly, that went extrememly well.... the kids had the best time.
As far as I can remember, yesterday was pretty uneventful. We went to church, and out to eat lunch. When we came home the kids played outside until 7pm. Our neighbors brought them hotdogs for dinner so I didn't even have to worry about cooking.
But last night I stayed up ALL night. I have not done that since college. I am way too old for that, especially seeing as I have three kids to take care of. But regardless, I did it. I ironed a ton of clothes, cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, and anything else I could find to do. At 6:45am I was about to go in to get the kids up when Courtlyn started crying. So I decided to feed her before I got Camryn and Dylan up. I sat down in the rocking chair with her and of course I fell sound asleep. Dylan woke me up at 7:20. We should have already been out the door to get Camryn to school. So I threw the kids in the car as fast as I could, but we still got there late. Here I am staying up all night and we're still late!
Then I took Courtlyn and Dylan to Walgreens to drop off a prescription and pick up some pictures. When we left I couldn't find my keys. I knew they weren't locked in the car so they had to be inside the store. But no one could find them. So I called Pop-a-Lock because I knew I had a spare key inside the car. The whole time we waited for the guy to get there Courtlyn was screaming. My head was pounding from her and from the lack of sleep. He finally gets there, I pay him $35 and he left. I start to get in the car and the alarm starts going off. I can't turn it off though because I don't have the remote....its lost with my keys inside Walgreens. Dylan starts freaking out because of the noise and he was literally running away through the parking lot. Luckily a nice lady caught him for me. It finally stopped, but I knew if I tried again it would set the alarm off again. So I called my sister who decided to call the Honda dealership. As I was on the phone with her an employee from Walgreens came out and told me my husband was on the phone. What? My husband? He's calling from heaven? I looked at her and told her it couldn't be my husband. She insisted though. So I told her my husband was dead. You should have seen her face. She apologized repeatedly. Come to find out it was my dad. Its not like things weren't bad enough...but now it was thrown in my face as a reminder that Joe was not here to help me out of this mess. Eventually Honda was able to tell me how to disarm the alarm. I went back in the store one more time to look for the keys and guess what was sitting right there on the Halloween aisle, right in plain sight? My keys! So I wasted 3 hours and $35 for nothing. And since Camryn is only in half day kindergarten it was already time to pick her up.
The rest of the day was actually pretty low key. The kids played outside in the rain most of the time, and Camryn's soccer game was cancelled.
I've come to the conclusion that most of my problems are related to not getting enough sleep. I haven't slept normally since Joe died a year ago. And considering that I chase after 3 young kids all day, sleep is a requirement. So I think I'm going to try and get something to help me sleep. I was given a prescription of ambien when I was pregnant but I didn't like it, and I really don't feel comfortable taking something that strong with a 4 month old to take care of.
In Camryn's kindergarten class they pray everyday and the teacher lets them make prayer requests. Today Camryn said she asked her teacher to pray for me to be able to sleep again. I hope God heard her prayer because I'm deperate here.
When we left we headed to the doctor because Camryn had been bit by a spider again. Except this time she had 3 bites. The one on her leg was swollen to the point that I don't know how she was even able to walk. So we went to the doctor and she was given a shot, put on antibiotics, and an antihistamine. When we left there I took them back to Calvary for the homecoming carnival. Surprisingly, that went extrememly well.... the kids had the best time.
As far as I can remember, yesterday was pretty uneventful. We went to church, and out to eat lunch. When we came home the kids played outside until 7pm. Our neighbors brought them hotdogs for dinner so I didn't even have to worry about cooking.
But last night I stayed up ALL night. I have not done that since college. I am way too old for that, especially seeing as I have three kids to take care of. But regardless, I did it. I ironed a ton of clothes, cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, and anything else I could find to do. At 6:45am I was about to go in to get the kids up when Courtlyn started crying. So I decided to feed her before I got Camryn and Dylan up. I sat down in the rocking chair with her and of course I fell sound asleep. Dylan woke me up at 7:20. We should have already been out the door to get Camryn to school. So I threw the kids in the car as fast as I could, but we still got there late. Here I am staying up all night and we're still late!
Then I took Courtlyn and Dylan to Walgreens to drop off a prescription and pick up some pictures. When we left I couldn't find my keys. I knew they weren't locked in the car so they had to be inside the store. But no one could find them. So I called Pop-a-Lock because I knew I had a spare key inside the car. The whole time we waited for the guy to get there Courtlyn was screaming. My head was pounding from her and from the lack of sleep. He finally gets there, I pay him $35 and he left. I start to get in the car and the alarm starts going off. I can't turn it off though because I don't have the remote....its lost with my keys inside Walgreens. Dylan starts freaking out because of the noise and he was literally running away through the parking lot. Luckily a nice lady caught him for me. It finally stopped, but I knew if I tried again it would set the alarm off again. So I called my sister who decided to call the Honda dealership. As I was on the phone with her an employee from Walgreens came out and told me my husband was on the phone. What? My husband? He's calling from heaven? I looked at her and told her it couldn't be my husband. She insisted though. So I told her my husband was dead. You should have seen her face. She apologized repeatedly. Come to find out it was my dad. Its not like things weren't bad enough...but now it was thrown in my face as a reminder that Joe was not here to help me out of this mess. Eventually Honda was able to tell me how to disarm the alarm. I went back in the store one more time to look for the keys and guess what was sitting right there on the Halloween aisle, right in plain sight? My keys! So I wasted 3 hours and $35 for nothing. And since Camryn is only in half day kindergarten it was already time to pick her up.
The rest of the day was actually pretty low key. The kids played outside in the rain most of the time, and Camryn's soccer game was cancelled.
I've come to the conclusion that most of my problems are related to not getting enough sleep. I haven't slept normally since Joe died a year ago. And considering that I chase after 3 young kids all day, sleep is a requirement. So I think I'm going to try and get something to help me sleep. I was given a prescription of ambien when I was pregnant but I didn't like it, and I really don't feel comfortable taking something that strong with a 4 month old to take care of.
In Camryn's kindergarten class they pray everyday and the teacher lets them make prayer requests. Today Camryn said she asked her teacher to pray for me to be able to sleep again. I hope God heard her prayer because I'm deperate here.
October 12, 2007
Camryn's sunday school teacher brought her home from school today. Along with my child, she also brought homemade chicken potpie, homemade biscuits, homemade chocolate chip cookies, brownies, a bag full a snacks (crackers, rice krispie treats, etc.), a toy for each child, diapers, formula, 10 pounds of spaghetti, and 5 tupperware containers of spaghetti sauce and meatballs for the freezer!
Apparently the church has decided that I was losing too much weight. Its the first time in my life that I was losing weight without trying....but if this keeps up, I'll be packing on the pounds in no time. Of course I know they're bringing in all the snack food for the kids, not me, but there's a reason I don't buy that stuff anyway....I'm the one that ends up eating it! My kids have never seen a bag of Cheetos in the pantry, or a bag of oreos, or even koolaid. Now our house is overflowing with junk food....they honestly don't know what to do with themselves!
Regardless, I am very thankful. I think they've planned to have someone stock us up with food every Friday for the next month or so. And the lady today volunteered to babysit next Friday so that I can go on Camryn's fieldtrip with her. In the past I would have never let someone outside of my family babysit, but I'm going to take her up on her offer. I was planning to go anyway, but I would have Courtlyn and Dylan with me. But if she's willing to babysit, I'll be able to focus my attention on Camryn rather than the baby. Its been a long time since Camryn has had my undivided attention, so I think it will be great for her...and me too.
Apparently the church has decided that I was losing too much weight. Its the first time in my life that I was losing weight without trying....but if this keeps up, I'll be packing on the pounds in no time. Of course I know they're bringing in all the snack food for the kids, not me, but there's a reason I don't buy that stuff anyway....I'm the one that ends up eating it! My kids have never seen a bag of Cheetos in the pantry, or a bag of oreos, or even koolaid. Now our house is overflowing with junk food....they honestly don't know what to do with themselves!
Regardless, I am very thankful. I think they've planned to have someone stock us up with food every Friday for the next month or so. And the lady today volunteered to babysit next Friday so that I can go on Camryn's fieldtrip with her. In the past I would have never let someone outside of my family babysit, but I'm going to take her up on her offer. I was planning to go anyway, but I would have Courtlyn and Dylan with me. But if she's willing to babysit, I'll be able to focus my attention on Camryn rather than the baby. Its been a long time since Camryn has had my undivided attention, so I think it will be great for her...and me too.
October 10, 2007
A few weeks ago I was having a really bad day, and on top of everything else I was tired of worrying so much about money. I started cancelling anything that seemed unnecessary at the moment. I cancelled the electricity in Joe's shop, caller ID and call waiting, and Direct TV. The Direct TV account was paid until sometime in October so I've still had TV even though it was actually cancelled.
Well, I was in the living room tonight watching Jimmy Kimmel while I ironed, and all of a sudden the TV went black. At first I thought something was just temporarily wrong. Then it hit me. I have no TV service.
When I cancelled it I really didn't think I would miss it....we don't watch much TV anyway. But tonight I realized that its going to be hard to be without it. I always turn it on after the kids go to bed.....just to have noise in the house. The TV kept me from realizing how quiet and lonely it is here. Not anymore though. Now I'm going to be forced to face reality.
Well, I was in the living room tonight watching Jimmy Kimmel while I ironed, and all of a sudden the TV went black. At first I thought something was just temporarily wrong. Then it hit me. I have no TV service.
When I cancelled it I really didn't think I would miss it....we don't watch much TV anyway. But tonight I realized that its going to be hard to be without it. I always turn it on after the kids go to bed.....just to have noise in the house. The TV kept me from realizing how quiet and lonely it is here. Not anymore though. Now I'm going to be forced to face reality.
October 9, 2007
When Camryn was 2 years old she learned from her aunt to say "I'm the boss, applesauce!" Apparently she took those words to heart because she truly has always been the boss of everything. Poor Dylan on the other hand, has never been the boss of anything. He's too busy taking orders from his sister. Afterall, she is the queen of the house.
Last night/this morning I was up as usual, and around 4:30am I walked through my room. All three kids were in my bed at that point. Courtlyn was in the middle, with Camryn and Dylan on each side of her. Except she had turned almost completely sideways. Camryn and Dylan were both hanging off the sides of the beds. Courtlyn had her foot shoved into Camryn's neck, and she kept reaching out with her arms, pushing Dylan farther and farther to the edge.
I just stood there and laughed. I think its time for Camryn to pass down the crown. A new queen has arrived who will be ruling our house for a long, long time....her name is Courtlyn.
Last night/this morning I was up as usual, and around 4:30am I walked through my room. All three kids were in my bed at that point. Courtlyn was in the middle, with Camryn and Dylan on each side of her. Except she had turned almost completely sideways. Camryn and Dylan were both hanging off the sides of the beds. Courtlyn had her foot shoved into Camryn's neck, and she kept reaching out with her arms, pushing Dylan farther and farther to the edge.
I just stood there and laughed. I think its time for Camryn to pass down the crown. A new queen has arrived who will be ruling our house for a long, long time....her name is Courtlyn.
October 8, 2007
It's 10:30pm and I just woke up on Camryn's floor. I've been up since 2am last night. By 8:30 when I was reading the kids bedtime books I could barely keep my eyes open so when I finished reading and tucked them in I scooped up Courtlyn and we laid on their floor while they went to sleep. I'm pretty sure I was the first one asleep. So I got about an hour of sleep and now I'm trying to wake up enough to do what needs to be done around here.
I'm so tired. Yes, I'm physically tired, but I'm also tired in many other ways...
~I'm tired of seeing other people with their husband....
~seeing my kids look at other kids' dads with such a longing look in their eyes
~hearing about the normal lives of everyone else
~people who can't seem to keep their hands off their significant other
~logging on to myspace to see people who have default pictures of them and their significant other
~letting the kids sleep in my bed because I don't want to face having to go to bed alone
~cooking meals and having such an abundance of leftovers (another reminder that Joe isn't here)
~not being able to listen to the radio without breaking down in tears
~coming home to an empty house
~not having anyone to share these amazing, hilarious kids with
~cleaning this house nonstop for no reason....who's going to even see it?
~still thinking about Joe 24 hours a day
~shaving my legs...its not like anyone would notice
~taking antidepressants just to make it through one more day
~still thinking constantly about the night he died
~having FULL responsiblity for three young kids
Mostly I'm just tired of being alone.
I'm sure I'll be judged harshly for what I'm about to say, but I'm saying it anyway. I have no desire to live the rest of my life alone. I desperately want to find someone in my life. I am 33 years old with three very young children. I don't want them to grow up without a father figure. I don't want to grow old alone. If that was what I wanted I would have never gotten married to begin with. I would have been single and would have adopted children. I will always love Joe. And honestly I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I know he wouldn't want me to be alone anymore than I want to be alone. He would want me to find someone that loves me and that loves these babies as their own.
When he first died I honestly saw myself being alone the rest of my life.....just living life waiting for the day I could be with him in heaven. But at that time I had no idea how desperately alone I would be without him by my side. Sure, if I was 60 or 70 years old I could probably get through each day just knowing that we'd be together again one day. But I'm 33. I don't know that just the thought of being together again is enough to get me through the next 50 years. I'm already miserable and bitter, and its only been one year....I can't imagine what I would be like in 50 years.
I'm so tired. Yes, I'm physically tired, but I'm also tired in many other ways...
~I'm tired of seeing other people with their husband....
~seeing my kids look at other kids' dads with such a longing look in their eyes
~hearing about the normal lives of everyone else
~people who can't seem to keep their hands off their significant other
~logging on to myspace to see people who have default pictures of them and their significant other
~letting the kids sleep in my bed because I don't want to face having to go to bed alone
~cooking meals and having such an abundance of leftovers (another reminder that Joe isn't here)
~not being able to listen to the radio without breaking down in tears
~coming home to an empty house
~not having anyone to share these amazing, hilarious kids with
~cleaning this house nonstop for no reason....who's going to even see it?
~still thinking about Joe 24 hours a day
~shaving my legs...its not like anyone would notice
~taking antidepressants just to make it through one more day
~still thinking constantly about the night he died
~having FULL responsiblity for three young kids
Mostly I'm just tired of being alone.
I'm sure I'll be judged harshly for what I'm about to say, but I'm saying it anyway. I have no desire to live the rest of my life alone. I desperately want to find someone in my life. I am 33 years old with three very young children. I don't want them to grow up without a father figure. I don't want to grow old alone. If that was what I wanted I would have never gotten married to begin with. I would have been single and would have adopted children. I will always love Joe. And honestly I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I know he wouldn't want me to be alone anymore than I want to be alone. He would want me to find someone that loves me and that loves these babies as their own.
When he first died I honestly saw myself being alone the rest of my life.....just living life waiting for the day I could be with him in heaven. But at that time I had no idea how desperately alone I would be without him by my side. Sure, if I was 60 or 70 years old I could probably get through each day just knowing that we'd be together again one day. But I'm 33. I don't know that just the thought of being together again is enough to get me through the next 50 years. I'm already miserable and bitter, and its only been one year....I can't imagine what I would be like in 50 years.
October 7, 2007
Last night I accidentaly fell asleep with the kids around 8:00. All 4 of us were in my bed. Its 6:30am now and Courtlyn and I just woke up! Its been about a year since I've slept like that. Of course now I have to see how fast I can get showered, bottles made, dishes put away, and a load of laundry done before the kids get up, but whatever....I don't even care. I had 10 hours of sleep....I never thought that would happen again.
October 6, 2007
Tonight two friends of mine from church came over with food....enough food to last us for weeks. So tonight we're seeing how much homemade lasagna and garlic bread we can possibly eat (its possible that I could gain back every pound that I've lost, in one single night!), even the kids are eating like I haven't fed them in a week. I haven't cooked anything like this since Joe died. They also brought 2 chicken and rice casseroles, 2 mexican chicken casseroles, 2 poppyseed chicken casseroles, hotdogs and buns, homemade brownies, koolaid drinks, capri suns, lunchables, crackers, chocolate chip cookies, cheese nips, and cheese crackers.
I'm going to try not to use up all the casseroles too soon....I'll try and save them for nights like tonight when we've been gone all day and Courtlyn only stops screaming for 15 minute intervals.
I haven't had anyone bring us food since about 3 weeks after Joe died. I forgot how wonderful it is to walk to my refrigerator/pantry/freezer and see food, other than cheese, milk, gatorade, cereal, applesauce, carrots, canned vegetables, hamburger helper, bread, peanut butter, and formula.
These two girls have been wanting to do this for us since I had Courtlyn and I've told them that we're fine. But this week when they found out Camryn broke her arm the phone started ringing again. I finally called them back Wednesday and told them that between Camryn's arm and having to go to court Thursday I could probably use all the help I could get. So when we got home from a birthday party today they were sitting in my driveway.
I don't even know how to thank people like this, or even possibly repay them for their kindness. One of these girls has already monogrammed Camryn bloomers to wear under her uniform dress, monogrammed Courtlyn burp cloths and bibs and a diaper bag....all free of charge. And she's given us numerous bows for Camryn. The other one hosted a huge church baby shower for me. And I didn't even know either of them before Joe's death.
And Friday Camryn finally went back to school and there was a box full of goodies waiting for her from a mother of one of Camryn's classmates
I always make sure that I write these people thank you notes, but it really just doesn't seem to be enough. I know they don't expect anything in return, but I have such tremendous guilt accepting things like this. I've never been a person who needed help before, and its hard to accept the fact that now I need all the help I can get...without seeming like a charity case.
I'm going to try not to use up all the casseroles too soon....I'll try and save them for nights like tonight when we've been gone all day and Courtlyn only stops screaming for 15 minute intervals.
I haven't had anyone bring us food since about 3 weeks after Joe died. I forgot how wonderful it is to walk to my refrigerator/pantry/freezer and see food, other than cheese, milk, gatorade, cereal, applesauce, carrots, canned vegetables, hamburger helper, bread, peanut butter, and formula.
These two girls have been wanting to do this for us since I had Courtlyn and I've told them that we're fine. But this week when they found out Camryn broke her arm the phone started ringing again. I finally called them back Wednesday and told them that between Camryn's arm and having to go to court Thursday I could probably use all the help I could get. So when we got home from a birthday party today they were sitting in my driveway.
I don't even know how to thank people like this, or even possibly repay them for their kindness. One of these girls has already monogrammed Camryn bloomers to wear under her uniform dress, monogrammed Courtlyn burp cloths and bibs and a diaper bag....all free of charge. And she's given us numerous bows for Camryn. The other one hosted a huge church baby shower for me. And I didn't even know either of them before Joe's death.
And Friday Camryn finally went back to school and there was a box full of goodies waiting for her from a mother of one of Camryn's classmates
I always make sure that I write these people thank you notes, but it really just doesn't seem to be enough. I know they don't expect anything in return, but I have such tremendous guilt accepting things like this. I've never been a person who needed help before, and its hard to accept the fact that now I need all the help I can get...without seeming like a charity case.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
October 5, 2007
I've received so many messages and phone calls this week concerning Camryn's arm and the sentencing hearing....if you have tried to contact me and haven't heard back from me yet, I apologize....I'm not trying to be rude, its just been a very busy, very tiring week.
Today was the sentencing hearing for Venton McFadden, who hit Joe. After a two hour drive, 4 hours of tring to keep 3 kids quiet in the courtroom, and several incidences of witnessing that the man is either on drugs or a complete idiot, he was finally sentenced. He received 5 years probation. That's all....no jail time, no suspended licensce, nothing. He can't be caught at a liquor store or a bar for 5 years....that's all.
I was given the opportunity to testify during the hearing, and also to give an impact statement following the sentence, speaking directly to the defendant. The following is what I said:
"On October 27, 2006 my husband left for work at 6am, kissing us all goodbye while we slept. He never came home that night.
I received a phone call at 7:30 that night from Tyler Medical Center. There I stood, 2 months pregnant, with my 4 year old and 22 month old by my side, as I was told that my husband was killed in a car accident.
At that moment, life as we knew it ended. Everything I ever dreamed for my children was gone. Everything I dreamed for myself was gone. And everything my husband had dreamed for all of us was gone.
I was a stay at home mom who was just going through life, doing normal things like planning Halloween costumes and carving pumpkins. And in the blink of an eye I became a single parent, planning a funeral, and applying for social security....barely able to get out of bed to take care of my kids.
My normal pregnancy suddenly became a high risk pregnancy because of the stress levels, the sudden weight loss, and the numerous medications I was put on.
My children's lives were instantly changed also. They went from from being carefree kids living a happy, family-oriented life, to being "the kids with no daddy". At ages 4 and 2 they had to learn to adapt to life without their father, and to a mother who suddenly didn't want to take care of them, a mother who for weeks couldn't quit crying. These babies were thrown into a life they don't deserve. Kids who cry on every holiday bacause they can't buy a present for daddy. Kids who cry on Father's Day because they don't have anyone to say "Happy Father's Day" to. Kids who spend hours planning how to decorate their daddy's grave.
They went from being happy, well-adjusted children, to being children in counseling. Children who scream hysterically if I leave their sight, even to get gas in the car because, in their own words, they're scared I'll die and won't come back.
They were so young when he died that they are already forgetting him. I suspect that my 2 year old will soon have no memory of him at all.
In May I gave birth to our third child. My husband should have been by my side. Instead, I was alone, facing an emergency c-section by myself. This precious, innocent baby will never even have the chance to see her daddy. She will never know first-hand what a great man he was. Sure, I can keep his memory alive by telling my children about him, but my memories can't replace the fact that they won't have their own memories to carry with them.
We have gone from a middle class family to a family who is struggling to live off of social security, barely able to make ends meet. Not knowing from week to week how I'll be able to pay for formula for my 4 month old.
My kids are all so young that its hard to know how the sudden loss of their dad will effect their lives. But I know they will never be the same.
My daughter told me last week that the best day of her life will be the day she dies and goes to heaven to see Jesus and Daddy. She's 5 years old. The best day of her life hould be going to the zoo or to the fair, not the day she dies.
When my baby had meningitis and was admitted to the hospital her daddy should have been there. When my daughter broke her arm she should have been able to find comfort in her daddy's arms. When were involved in a car accident he should have been there to help us. He should be coaching soccer teams, playing with his kids, and rocking his baby. Instead he's been taken from us and our lives will never be the same.
I just hope you have taken a good look at my children's faces, and that they stay etched in your memory forever And that you never forget the pain you have caused us."
Today was the sentencing hearing for Venton McFadden, who hit Joe. After a two hour drive, 4 hours of tring to keep 3 kids quiet in the courtroom, and several incidences of witnessing that the man is either on drugs or a complete idiot, he was finally sentenced. He received 5 years probation. That's all....no jail time, no suspended licensce, nothing. He can't be caught at a liquor store or a bar for 5 years....that's all.
I was given the opportunity to testify during the hearing, and also to give an impact statement following the sentence, speaking directly to the defendant. The following is what I said:
"On October 27, 2006 my husband left for work at 6am, kissing us all goodbye while we slept. He never came home that night.
I received a phone call at 7:30 that night from Tyler Medical Center. There I stood, 2 months pregnant, with my 4 year old and 22 month old by my side, as I was told that my husband was killed in a car accident.
At that moment, life as we knew it ended. Everything I ever dreamed for my children was gone. Everything I dreamed for myself was gone. And everything my husband had dreamed for all of us was gone.
I was a stay at home mom who was just going through life, doing normal things like planning Halloween costumes and carving pumpkins. And in the blink of an eye I became a single parent, planning a funeral, and applying for social security....barely able to get out of bed to take care of my kids.
My normal pregnancy suddenly became a high risk pregnancy because of the stress levels, the sudden weight loss, and the numerous medications I was put on.
My children's lives were instantly changed also. They went from from being carefree kids living a happy, family-oriented life, to being "the kids with no daddy". At ages 4 and 2 they had to learn to adapt to life without their father, and to a mother who suddenly didn't want to take care of them, a mother who for weeks couldn't quit crying. These babies were thrown into a life they don't deserve. Kids who cry on every holiday bacause they can't buy a present for daddy. Kids who cry on Father's Day because they don't have anyone to say "Happy Father's Day" to. Kids who spend hours planning how to decorate their daddy's grave.
They went from being happy, well-adjusted children, to being children in counseling. Children who scream hysterically if I leave their sight, even to get gas in the car because, in their own words, they're scared I'll die and won't come back.
They were so young when he died that they are already forgetting him. I suspect that my 2 year old will soon have no memory of him at all.
In May I gave birth to our third child. My husband should have been by my side. Instead, I was alone, facing an emergency c-section by myself. This precious, innocent baby will never even have the chance to see her daddy. She will never know first-hand what a great man he was. Sure, I can keep his memory alive by telling my children about him, but my memories can't replace the fact that they won't have their own memories to carry with them.
We have gone from a middle class family to a family who is struggling to live off of social security, barely able to make ends meet. Not knowing from week to week how I'll be able to pay for formula for my 4 month old.
My kids are all so young that its hard to know how the sudden loss of their dad will effect their lives. But I know they will never be the same.
My daughter told me last week that the best day of her life will be the day she dies and goes to heaven to see Jesus and Daddy. She's 5 years old. The best day of her life hould be going to the zoo or to the fair, not the day she dies.
When my baby had meningitis and was admitted to the hospital her daddy should have been there. When my daughter broke her arm she should have been able to find comfort in her daddy's arms. When were involved in a car accident he should have been there to help us. He should be coaching soccer teams, playing with his kids, and rocking his baby. Instead he's been taken from us and our lives will never be the same.
I just hope you have taken a good look at my children's faces, and that they stay etched in your memory forever And that you never forget the pain you have caused us."
October 1, 2007
To quickly sum up my year.....Joe died, Dylan broke his thumb, Courtlyn almost died during childbirth, my blood pressure got so high I had to call 911, Courtlyn had meningitis, we had a car accident, and now to top things off Camryn has a broke arm.
She was pushed off a slide at school today. She wasn't pushed down the slide....she was pushed off the top of the slide, straight to the ground. And the slide was approximately 10 feet high. As soon as I picked her up from school we headed to the ER. Her nose was bleeding, her legs hurt so bad the teacher said she could barely walk, her face is all scratched up and bruised, and her arm is broke in two places. She's in a temporary cast right now and we have to go to an orthopedic specialist sometime this week for a permanent one. One of the breaks is called a "greenstick fracture" which means it didn't break all the was through the bone. This will probably require that the doctor break her arm to make it go all the way through the bone. The thought of her going through this makes me want to throw up.
I can not believe she fell 10 feet. I asked her if she was scared while she was falling and she said "momma, I was wishing I had a a parachute" I have not been able to get the image out of my head of her falling.
In all reality I know that I should be thankful that its just a broken arm. It could have been much, much worse.....she could have easliy broke her back or her neck. But right now the broke arm seems bad enough. She has cried nonstop, either because its hurting or because she missed her soccer game, or because she can't do cartwheels, or because she can't draw or write now. Thats the thing that upsets her the most right now. Anyone that knows Camryn knows that all she does is sit at our table and draw....ALL day. Thats all she's done since the day I told her Joe died. And now, with a cast on her right arm, she can't. She honestly doesn't know what to do.
When we were at the hospital she needed to go to the bathroom, and she couldn't get on the potty by herself with her arm hurting so bad. So I had to pick her up and set her on it. Thats when it hit me....the one independent child I have now needs me to do things for her as well. She's the one who helps me carry everything to the car when we leave, she's the one who helps me take care of the other two. What the hell am I going to do now?
So, when you start moping around thinking your life is so bad, just think about mine. Trust me, I would love it if all I had to worry about was some crappy job, or a lazy husband.
I have had numerous people today make comments about if something's going to happen its going to happen to us. And that seems to be very true lately. It has never been like this before, we always lived a pretty uncomplicated life....no drama. But since the day Joe died it seems to have been falling apart nonstop. I talked to a friend tonight on the phone and she told me she prays for me all the time. I couldn't help but respond by telling her "well, its not working....can you pray a little harder?"
She was pushed off a slide at school today. She wasn't pushed down the slide....she was pushed off the top of the slide, straight to the ground. And the slide was approximately 10 feet high. As soon as I picked her up from school we headed to the ER. Her nose was bleeding, her legs hurt so bad the teacher said she could barely walk, her face is all scratched up and bruised, and her arm is broke in two places. She's in a temporary cast right now and we have to go to an orthopedic specialist sometime this week for a permanent one. One of the breaks is called a "greenstick fracture" which means it didn't break all the was through the bone. This will probably require that the doctor break her arm to make it go all the way through the bone. The thought of her going through this makes me want to throw up.
I can not believe she fell 10 feet. I asked her if she was scared while she was falling and she said "momma, I was wishing I had a a parachute" I have not been able to get the image out of my head of her falling.
In all reality I know that I should be thankful that its just a broken arm. It could have been much, much worse.....she could have easliy broke her back or her neck. But right now the broke arm seems bad enough. She has cried nonstop, either because its hurting or because she missed her soccer game, or because she can't do cartwheels, or because she can't draw or write now. Thats the thing that upsets her the most right now. Anyone that knows Camryn knows that all she does is sit at our table and draw....ALL day. Thats all she's done since the day I told her Joe died. And now, with a cast on her right arm, she can't. She honestly doesn't know what to do.
When we were at the hospital she needed to go to the bathroom, and she couldn't get on the potty by herself with her arm hurting so bad. So I had to pick her up and set her on it. Thats when it hit me....the one independent child I have now needs me to do things for her as well. She's the one who helps me carry everything to the car when we leave, she's the one who helps me take care of the other two. What the hell am I going to do now?
So, when you start moping around thinking your life is so bad, just think about mine. Trust me, I would love it if all I had to worry about was some crappy job, or a lazy husband.
I have had numerous people today make comments about if something's going to happen its going to happen to us. And that seems to be very true lately. It has never been like this before, we always lived a pretty uncomplicated life....no drama. But since the day Joe died it seems to have been falling apart nonstop. I talked to a friend tonight on the phone and she told me she prays for me all the time. I couldn't help but respond by telling her "well, its not working....can you pray a little harder?"
September 28, 2007
Today I picked Camryn up from school at 12:00 just like every other day. We went to the office to see if her absensce will be excused next week for the sentencing hearing. It will. Of course as soon as I told the office ladies the story I received those blank stares of sympathy that I'm starting to get used.
We left school and headed for the park, going in the opposite direction we go every other day. Its the first time we've gone to this particular park and I was surprising Camryn. I had packed lunches and brought her a change of clothes/shoes without her knowing. As I'm slowing down to turn onto the road leading into the park. Camryn realizes that we're not going home....and that we're going to the park. About the time she starts yelling with excitement, I hear a crash and we go barrelling over a huge curb and are heading down a hill. I jerk the steering wheel back, go back over the curb, which made me lose control of the car. At that point the car jerked into the other curb. Camryn and Courtlyn were screaming hysterically. I stopped the car and jumped out to check on Camryn. She said she hit her head, but I was able to calm her down. Courtlyn on the other hand was still hysterical. So I got back in the car, shaking so bad I could hardly drive, and slowly drove down the road to the parking lot of the park. Camryn and Dylan were OK at that point and were ready to jump out and go play. Courtlyn was still crying though and I was freaking the hell out. I had absolutely NO idea what had happened. So I made the kids stay in the car while I got out to look at the car. I assumed that I would have a flat tire because of the way I went over the curb. No flat tire though. Then as I went around to check the other tire, I looked up and noticed that my rear end was no longer attached to the frame, and there were numerous dents and scratches. At that point I was really freaking out. I had no idea what to do. What was I going to say if I called someone. How stupid and incompetent would I sound when I told someone I don't know what happened....I just hit a curb and destroyed my whole rear end. As I'm sitting in the parking lot starting to panic and cry right along with Courtlyn, my phone rings. It was Mr. Gary from church. He asks what we're doing and I tell him I think I've just wrecked my car, but don't know how. He happened to only be about 2 minutes away, so he came right there. He took one look at the car and told me that someone had to have hit me. I was still looking to blame myself, so I was asking him if maybe I could have hit the stop sign when I lost control of the car, and thats what caused the damage. He was convinced though that someone hit me. About that time a lady drives up and says she saw the car who hit me. I could not believe it! She said she saw the whole thing and that just as I was starting to turn this car tried to swerve around me and hit me, pushing me into the curb....which explains why I lost control so badly. She followed the car that hit me and wrote down the license number. So I called the police. About an hour later as the cop was finishing up the paperwork, there was a call from the person who hit me.....reporting an accident. So the cop left to go see what their story was. Thats the last I heard. I guess next week I'll know more.
I just can't get over the fact that someone would hit us like that and drive off. I had three babies in the car that could have been seriously hurt, and this person just slams into us and leaves! It makes me sick everytime I think about it.
When we left the park Camryn said she was scared someone was going to hit us again. Then when she heard me tell someone we were in a "car accident" she freaked out because she relates that to Joe dying. Tonight as were laying in bed, we were talking about it and I was asking her if it scared her, and how lucky we were that we were all buckled in, etc. She said "ya know momma, it would have been OK if we had died, because we would get to see daddy, and Luigi, and Rags (my childhood pets). I just nodded and then she went to sleep. What I really wanted to do was scream at her "NO CAMRYN, IT IS NOT OK IF YOU DIE! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT LOSE ONE OF MY BABIES! YOU HAVE GOT TO QUIT TALKING ABOUT DYING. YOU AND DYLAN AND COURTLYN CAN NOT LEAVE ME.....EVER!" Thats the reason I decided to keep my mouth shut, just smile and nod my head. Because I knew if I opened my mouth I would say something that would scare her to death.
That was our day. So now on top of everything else I have to do (go to the social security office, apply for WIC, write an impact statement, go to Tyler to read the statement, and MUCH, MUCH more) now I have to deal with more insurance companies, more claims, get the van fixed, etc. How much can one person possibly handle?
I am seriously reaching my breaking point here.
We left school and headed for the park, going in the opposite direction we go every other day. Its the first time we've gone to this particular park and I was surprising Camryn. I had packed lunches and brought her a change of clothes/shoes without her knowing. As I'm slowing down to turn onto the road leading into the park. Camryn realizes that we're not going home....and that we're going to the park. About the time she starts yelling with excitement, I hear a crash and we go barrelling over a huge curb and are heading down a hill. I jerk the steering wheel back, go back over the curb, which made me lose control of the car. At that point the car jerked into the other curb. Camryn and Courtlyn were screaming hysterically. I stopped the car and jumped out to check on Camryn. She said she hit her head, but I was able to calm her down. Courtlyn on the other hand was still hysterical. So I got back in the car, shaking so bad I could hardly drive, and slowly drove down the road to the parking lot of the park. Camryn and Dylan were OK at that point and were ready to jump out and go play. Courtlyn was still crying though and I was freaking the hell out. I had absolutely NO idea what had happened. So I made the kids stay in the car while I got out to look at the car. I assumed that I would have a flat tire because of the way I went over the curb. No flat tire though. Then as I went around to check the other tire, I looked up and noticed that my rear end was no longer attached to the frame, and there were numerous dents and scratches. At that point I was really freaking out. I had no idea what to do. What was I going to say if I called someone. How stupid and incompetent would I sound when I told someone I don't know what happened....I just hit a curb and destroyed my whole rear end. As I'm sitting in the parking lot starting to panic and cry right along with Courtlyn, my phone rings. It was Mr. Gary from church. He asks what we're doing and I tell him I think I've just wrecked my car, but don't know how. He happened to only be about 2 minutes away, so he came right there. He took one look at the car and told me that someone had to have hit me. I was still looking to blame myself, so I was asking him if maybe I could have hit the stop sign when I lost control of the car, and thats what caused the damage. He was convinced though that someone hit me. About that time a lady drives up and says she saw the car who hit me. I could not believe it! She said she saw the whole thing and that just as I was starting to turn this car tried to swerve around me and hit me, pushing me into the curb....which explains why I lost control so badly. She followed the car that hit me and wrote down the license number. So I called the police. About an hour later as the cop was finishing up the paperwork, there was a call from the person who hit me.....reporting an accident. So the cop left to go see what their story was. Thats the last I heard. I guess next week I'll know more.
I just can't get over the fact that someone would hit us like that and drive off. I had three babies in the car that could have been seriously hurt, and this person just slams into us and leaves! It makes me sick everytime I think about it.
When we left the park Camryn said she was scared someone was going to hit us again. Then when she heard me tell someone we were in a "car accident" she freaked out because she relates that to Joe dying. Tonight as were laying in bed, we were talking about it and I was asking her if it scared her, and how lucky we were that we were all buckled in, etc. She said "ya know momma, it would have been OK if we had died, because we would get to see daddy, and Luigi, and Rags (my childhood pets). I just nodded and then she went to sleep. What I really wanted to do was scream at her "NO CAMRYN, IT IS NOT OK IF YOU DIE! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT LOSE ONE OF MY BABIES! YOU HAVE GOT TO QUIT TALKING ABOUT DYING. YOU AND DYLAN AND COURTLYN CAN NOT LEAVE ME.....EVER!" Thats the reason I decided to keep my mouth shut, just smile and nod my head. Because I knew if I opened my mouth I would say something that would scare her to death.
That was our day. So now on top of everything else I have to do (go to the social security office, apply for WIC, write an impact statement, go to Tyler to read the statement, and MUCH, MUCH more) now I have to deal with more insurance companies, more claims, get the van fixed, etc. How much can one person possibly handle?
I am seriously reaching my breaking point here.
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