October 19, 2007

On top of everything else, I think I'm about to be seriously looking for a new house. We are quickly outgrowing this three bedroom house. I'm getting tired of my room being overtaken with a crib, baby dresser, etc. Also, with the price of gas, its killing me taking to and from school everyday. And it seems that its apparently a burden on anyone I ask for help because we live so far.

It going to be so hard to leave this house.

I have the greatest neighbors in the world. Some bring me dinner occasionally. They cut my grass. Take my kids for a walk so that I can occasionally have some down time. I know they would do anything they possibly could to help me. When I move I will just be looked upon as another single mom moving into the neighborhood.

This is where all of our memories are. Everywhere I look I see Joe. I look at the flower beds and remember how much time and work he put into them. I see the shop and remember all the hours spent out there with him while he worked on his motorcycle and truck. The gate he put up. The porch he built. The driveway he poured and put Camryn's handprints in. Its hard being here and having the constant reminders, but I think it will be even harder to leave, and go somewhere new without him.

I will finally have to admit to myself that he's never coming home. It will be forcing myself to shut the door on the past. Forcing myself to move on without him. To start a new life without him. I don't know that I'm ready to do that. I'm scared of what it will bring....scared of the emotions that will come with it.

Since the day after Joe died people have constantly talked about me moving. Until recently I have never brought the subject up to anyone. But they sure have felt compelled to talk to me about it....I've heard all kinds of opinions and advice that I haven't even asked for. "Where?" "When?" "Why are you waiting?" "Don't you know you have to move?" "You need to move to Bossier." "You need to move to South Shreveport." "You need to decide where and when you're going to start teaching again." "You can't expect people to help you if you stay in Stonewall." "Why would you want to stay there?" "You can't stay there."

The more I think about it the more pissed off I get. Has anyone stopped to think about the reasons I want to stay here as long as possible? Has anyone realized that I'm a 33 year old woman with three children....perfectly capable of making my own decisions. Yes, I'll need help with preparing to move and with the actual move. But as far as where and when...I think I'm perfectly capable of deciding on my own. Most people wanted me to pick up and move as soon as he died, as if our world hadn't already been turned upside down.

The more I think about it, maybe I'm not ready to be in the market for a house. I need to move when I'm ready to move....if I'm ever ready to move. Not just because I'm tired of the pressure people are putting on me.