October 8, 2007

It's 10:30pm and I just woke up on Camryn's floor. I've been up since 2am last night. By 8:30 when I was reading the kids bedtime books I could barely keep my eyes open so when I finished reading and tucked them in I scooped up Courtlyn and we laid on their floor while they went to sleep. I'm pretty sure I was the first one asleep. So I got about an hour of sleep and now I'm trying to wake up enough to do what needs to be done around here.

I'm so tired. Yes, I'm physically tired, but I'm also tired in many other ways...

~I'm tired of seeing other people with their husband....
~seeing my kids look at other kids' dads with such a longing look in their eyes
~hearing about the normal lives of everyone else
~people who can't seem to keep their hands off their significant other
~logging on to myspace to see people who have default pictures of them and their significant other
~letting the kids sleep in my bed because I don't want to face having to go to bed alone
~cooking meals and having such an abundance of leftovers (another reminder that Joe isn't here)
~not being able to listen to the radio without breaking down in tears
~coming home to an empty house
~not having anyone to share these amazing, hilarious kids with
~cleaning this house nonstop for no reason....who's going to even see it?
~still thinking about Joe 24 hours a day
~shaving my legs...its not like anyone would notice
~taking antidepressants just to make it through one more day
~still thinking constantly about the night he died
~having FULL responsiblity for three young kids

Mostly I'm just tired of being alone.

I'm sure I'll be judged harshly for what I'm about to say, but I'm saying it anyway. I have no desire to live the rest of my life alone. I desperately want to find someone in my life. I am 33 years old with three very young children. I don't want them to grow up without a father figure. I don't want to grow old alone. If that was what I wanted I would have never gotten married to begin with. I would have been single and would have adopted children. I will always love Joe. And honestly I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I know he wouldn't want me to be alone anymore than I want to be alone. He would want me to find someone that loves me and that loves these babies as their own.

When he first died I honestly saw myself being alone the rest of my life.....just living life waiting for the day I could be with him in heaven. But at that time I had no idea how desperately alone I would be without him by my side. Sure, if I was 60 or 70 years old I could probably get through each day just knowing that we'd be together again one day. But I'm 33. I don't know that just the thought of being together again is enough to get me through the next 50 years. I'm already miserable and bitter, and its only been one year....I can't imagine what I would be like in 50 years.