Its been a month since last posting. Today is Super Bowl Sunday. We went to church.Camryn is sick. Dylan fell yesterday and almost bit through his tongue. Great weekend. It would have been a bad weekend regardless, but it makes it worse when things are going so bad, and Joe's not here to help me. But we're making it. Melissa came over after church, brought Camryn some medicine, watched home videos with us, and she GRILLED HAMBURGERS!!! I didn't think I'd ever see this grill used again because that was Joe's job.....I have no idea what to do with a grill! But Melissa pulled it out and grilled us all hamburgers. Joe would be impressed!
I'm glad the holidays are over. Within the time of two months I had to face the death of my husband, Thanksgiving, a benefit, Christmas, our baby's birthday, New Years, and my 18 week ultrasound to find out the sex of our new baby. I couldn't have been more of a basket case. I'm still not great, and still feel like I never will be. But I do appreciate everything people are doing for me. As bad as I feel, I can't imagine how bad I would feel without the love and support of all our friends. As soon as I start to feel like things are spinning out of control and that I can't go on, someone calls and lifts my spirits, or show up with medicine for me/the kids, brings dinner, or helps me with something around the house. And it brings me back from the dark place I've been, at least temporarily.
The day after Joe died someone said something that I try to remember. I made a comment to Keith about how many friends Joe had, and he said "we're not just Joe's friends, we're you're friends too". That means a lot to me, and I know how much it would mean to Joe. I just wonder if he knew what great friends "we" had? I hope so.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
december 30, 2006
Tonight was Dylan's birthday party. He turned 2 years old. It was heartbreaking to know that his daddy is not here to see his baby boy turn 2 years old. There were a ton of people here to be with us, but it really didn't help....all the presents in the world aren't enough to make up for the fact that his daddy is gone. Camryn is having such a great time lately because she's getting so much attention from everyone, but at the same time she just wants her daddy here and I can tell she would trade all this attention just to have her daddy back, and a sane mommy again.
I can't believe that only 2 years ago Joe and I were sitting in a hospital room with our baby boy. And now he's gone. No one understands what I'm going through. Its been 2 months since Joe was killed and there are some people who actually think I should be doing OK by now. And there are other people who actually think I am doing OK. Do they not realize that just because I get up and get dressed when people come over does NOT mean that everything is OK? I guess they don't realize that when I'm alone in this house with the kids all I do is lay in the bed and cry for hours at a time. I stay up all night thinking about him and my mind is flooded with memories.
What the hell is wrong with people? I know they miss him too, but not like I do. I miss everything about him...sleeping in the bed with him, his snoring, waking up and having him cook pancakes with the kids, sitting around drinking coffee, seeing him on the floor playing with the kids, having him help me put the kids to bed, sitting and watching TV with him, him rubbing my back EVERY night as I went to sleep. I can't even get dressed without crying because I can imagine what he might say about a new shirt, etc. I cry everytime I notice my ever growing pregnant belly because he's not here to pat it and tell me how cute it is.
No one can understand my pain and my loss because they have no idea how special our relationship was. As much as I hate being in this house alone, I still wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone sometimes because it might be better to be alone than to be around people who always say the wrong thing, or act like everything is OK, or going to be OK.....nothing will ever be ok again
I can't believe that only 2 years ago Joe and I were sitting in a hospital room with our baby boy. And now he's gone. No one understands what I'm going through. Its been 2 months since Joe was killed and there are some people who actually think I should be doing OK by now. And there are other people who actually think I am doing OK. Do they not realize that just because I get up and get dressed when people come over does NOT mean that everything is OK? I guess they don't realize that when I'm alone in this house with the kids all I do is lay in the bed and cry for hours at a time. I stay up all night thinking about him and my mind is flooded with memories.
What the hell is wrong with people? I know they miss him too, but not like I do. I miss everything about him...sleeping in the bed with him, his snoring, waking up and having him cook pancakes with the kids, sitting around drinking coffee, seeing him on the floor playing with the kids, having him help me put the kids to bed, sitting and watching TV with him, him rubbing my back EVERY night as I went to sleep. I can't even get dressed without crying because I can imagine what he might say about a new shirt, etc. I cry everytime I notice my ever growing pregnant belly because he's not here to pat it and tell me how cute it is.
No one can understand my pain and my loss because they have no idea how special our relationship was. As much as I hate being in this house alone, I still wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone sometimes because it might be better to be alone than to be around people who always say the wrong thing, or act like everything is OK, or going to be OK.....nothing will ever be ok again
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