december 30, 2006

Tonight was Dylan's birthday party. He turned 2 years old. It was heartbreaking to know that his daddy is not here to see his baby boy turn 2 years old. There were a ton of people here to be with us, but it really didn't help....all the presents in the world aren't enough to make up for the fact that his daddy is gone. Camryn is having such a great time lately because she's getting so much attention from everyone, but at the same time she just wants her daddy here and I can tell she would trade all this attention just to have her daddy back, and a sane mommy again.
I can't believe that only 2 years ago Joe and I were sitting in a hospital room with our baby boy. And now he's gone. No one understands what I'm going through. Its been 2 months since Joe was killed and there are some people who actually think I should be doing OK by now. And there are other people who actually think I am doing OK. Do they not realize that just because I get up and get dressed when people come over does NOT mean that everything is OK? I guess they don't realize that when I'm alone in this house with the kids all I do is lay in the bed and cry for hours at a time. I stay up all night thinking about him and my mind is flooded with memories.
What the hell is wrong with people? I know they miss him too, but not like I do. I miss everything about him...sleeping in the bed with him, his snoring, waking up and having him cook pancakes with the kids, sitting around drinking coffee, seeing him on the floor playing with the kids, having him help me put the kids to bed, sitting and watching TV with him, him rubbing my back EVERY night as I went to sleep. I can't even get dressed without crying because I can imagine what he might say about a new shirt, etc. I cry everytime I notice my ever growing pregnant belly because he's not here to pat it and tell me how cute it is.
No one can understand my pain and my loss because they have no idea how special our relationship was. As much as I hate being in this house alone, I still wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone sometimes because it might be better to be alone than to be around people who always say the wrong thing, or act like everything is OK, or going to be OK.....nothing will ever be ok again