February 19, 2007

Joe and I both always figured I would be the one to die first....I'm awful at taking care of myself....I'm the smoker, I'm the distracted driver, I've had a history of health problems (most recently my doctor suspected kidney disease...but was wrong), I don't eat right, I don't get enough sleep, and the list could continue.
Not long before Joe died I remember having a conversation with him about dying. We were mainly just teasing but I remember telling him that if I died I wanted him to get remarried. He was quick to shoot that idea down but I insisted that I would want him to find someone to be the mother figure for our children. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but the main point here is that I could envision myself dying and leaving my family behind, but I never fathomed HIM being the one to leave us.
Once again, this came from a book I've been reading:

"Why couldn't I have been the one to go first, my love? I know you didn't have any choice in the matter. But still....
I used to say to you, conscious of the approaching years, "If you have any sense of decency, you'll let me go first."
"Isn't that rather selfish of you?" you would ask.
"Of course it is," I said, selfishly. "But I still want to go first."
It didn't work out that way.
You would have handled it better, if I had gone first.
You would have been that desirable creature--the extra, eligible man.
I am that problem person--the extra woman.
You could have taken refuge in one of your spontaneous, unexpected naps and escaped briefly into sleep.
You know I always had a touch of insomnia.
You, who always held doors open and stood back to let others through before you, went first through the one door I wish you would have held for me.
I keep pounding and crying, "Come back, come back." But the door stays closed.
I keep pounding and crying, "Can't you open it just a crack and let something through---a wisper, a dream?" But the door stays closed.
Tell me my courteous love, is there a closed door somewhere waiting for you to hold open for me so that we'll be together on the other side?"