March 26, 2007

"You're full of shit. Why don't you get off your high horse and take a good long look in the mirror" Thats the response I got from my mother when I tried to explain why I wasn't socializing at the mardi gras parade. I tried to explain how hard it was to even be there without Joe, and that is the response I get from her!

I honestly don't understand some people. Do they honestly think everything is fine here? That I have gotten "over it" and life is ok again. Do they not realize that everything I do reminds me of him, and that he's not here. This was not just a good friend or close relative for God's sake....this was my husband. The person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. I think part of it is that some people don't realize just how close we were. Yes, he was involved in a lot of stuff outside of us, but we talked about everything. We were together all the time. If he was outside building a truck, I was right there beside him. We talked on the phone 4-5 times a day while he was at work. If he was out of town we talked on the phone even more, and he always called to tell me goodnight. We had a very special relationship. I understand that there are a lot of people who don't have this type of marriage, but we did. Its not something that I'm going to "get over". He's the only person I have ever been in love with. The day I met him my life changed for the better. That may seem exaggerated, but its true. I went from a life of way too much drinking and drugs, to a life that I never knew I could have. He is what motivated me to go back to school, to graduate, to have kids, to be a stay at home mom. Its really not that I just love kids so much that I wanted to have a ton of kids and stay home...what I loved was being with him and having kids. I loved being a mother AND wife, not just a mother. I didn't really enjoy all the days of staying home taking care of babies, but it made it worth it when he would walk in the door at 6:00 and we all sat around the dinner table. It made it worth it when I got to sit in the floor with him and the kids to play before bedtime. Thats one reason its so hard for me to see the joy in the kids now....because he's not here to share it with me.

So, I'm taking a long look in that mirror. And what I see is a girl who is torn apart, lonely, and depressed, and there's nothing that can change that. I will never again have the part of me that brought me happiness. He's gone, and unfortunately I'm left here without him.