Last year all I wanted in life was to have another baby. We tried for 9 months to get pregnant. I even took clomid one month....still nothing. So we were shocked in September to find out I was pregnant! I was thrilled! But that changed the day Joe died. My excitement was replaced by confusion and anger. I resented the fact that I was pregnant. All it meant to me was more stress, more money, more work, and more chaos in an already chaotic house. I was not excited at all about her arrival. I can remember many nights just crying my eyes out asking God why I was pregnant. If Joe couldn't be here with me, then I didn't want another baby. I was barely functioning well enough to take care of the babies I already had.
But the moment she was in danger all of those feelings disappeared. I just wanted my baby to be OK. Granted, it IS more work, more stress, more money, and more chaos....but I feel grateful none the less.
Now I know the answer to the question I asked all those nights. Now I know why she is here. She has brought the kids and me so much peace and happiness. We have something to smile about again. I have a reason to get out of bed again.
Yes, I'm exhausted, I run in circles all day, I still can't fit into my size 6 jeans, I'm on anti-depressants, and I still miss Joe terribly, but its going better than I thought it would. I get up every morning, get dressed, and take care of three kids by myself. So I guess that's something. And I'm even getting used to the looks and comments from strangers that see us all in public. When people see me with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn they just can't resist making a comment about me having my hands full. and I just smile and say "you have NO idea"
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