May 20, 2007

well, it looks like I'll really be having another baby soon. I can not believe that I will be a single mother of three children, all under the age of 5. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do this. I'm naturally a very nervous, anxious person....and have always been a compulsive worrier. Joe kept me in balance though. He was so calm and easygoing that it leveled me out. He was always assuring me that everything was OK. And he always made all the big decisions because I can't ever decide anything on my own. So now here I am with 3 kids to raise on my own. It would be different if my kids were older and I only had a few more years until they were grown.....but I have 20 years of this ahead of me! I'm trying to relax more and trying to be more like him, but so far its not working.

I think I have everything ready for the baby though. The crib is set up and the car seat is installed. I have bottles washed and formula in the pantry. I have a closet full of newborn diapers and a ton of clothes. So I guess I'm ready. Camryn and I finally settled on a name a few days ago. She's already changed her mind and decided that now she doesn't like it, but I'm holding her to it.

I think my doctor is just as nervous about the birth of this baby as I am. I've been going to him for 10 years, and considering I've had 3 babies in 5 years, I've gotten to know him pretty well. He knew Joe also. Joe always went to all of my prenatal appointments with me. Also, when we met with the doctor last summer to discuss the possibility of having another baby Joe's big concern was the health problems I had after I delivered Dylan. My doctor seemed to share his concern and wanted me to hold off on getting pregnant again until he did some more tests. Then I ended up pregnant before those tests were done. So now, here I am alone about to have baby when there's a very real possibility that I could die from complications. It was scary enough last time, but now there are 3 young children completely dependent on me. I can remember being in ICU thinking I may never see my babies again. I can remember Joe crying and telling me that he had never prayed so much in his life. But at least then my kids had their dad. This time its all on me. I think my doctor 's sense of responsibilty for me and my kids has increased greatly. He keeps telling me not to worry. That Joe worried about me because he was my husband, but that I shouldn't take on his worries for myself. But at the same time, he has been closely monitoring me, trying to avoid any complications. I can only imagine how he would feel if something happened. I keep trying to assure myself that God is not going to let something happen to me, that he would not let that happen to my children. But I know its still possible.

Please keep us in your prayers.