July 24, 2007

The past month has been full of moments when I wished I could just close my eyes and disappear.....forever.

First was Father's Day. I purposely skipped church so that the kids wouldn't be slapped in the face that they don't have a dad. I didn't even tell them it was Father's Day. I let them stay outside all day and play in their little plastic pool. It kept us all preoccupied. But a few days later Camryn started crying because she didn't have anyone to buy a Father's Day present for (she didn't realize that the day had already come and gone) It makes me so sad for them. And its strange to me that everyone thought about Joe's dad on this day, but no one thought of us and what my kids and I must have felt. They will grow up and be reminded every year that they are the "kids with no dad"

Then a few weeks later was Joe's birthday. He would have been 36 on July 2. Again, I let it go without mentioning it to the kids. Camryn would have been upset, and I feel like there's no reason to cause her heart to break any more than it already has.

The day after his birthday Courtlyn was super fussy all day long. I was going crazy with all the crying, but I thought it was just typical baby stuff, like gas. At 7pm she woke up from a nap and was crying again, I picked her up and noticed she felt warm. As I was taking her temperature Dylan started saying he was tired and that his head hurt. So he went and laid in my bed. At almost the exact moment the thermometer registered that Courtlyn had a fever of 101.7, Dylan started puking in my bed! I called the pediatrician and was told to take Courtlyn to the ER. So I'm trying to get all our things together and Dylan is crawling through the house on his hands and knees, throwing up EVERYWHERE! Luckily Camryn felt OK...she tried to make Dylan feel better while I tended to the screaming baby. She thought of things to pack in the bag that I didn't even think of....like a towel for Dylan if he threw up in the car. She got herself dressed, fixed her hair, and got a book to read in the waiting room. She paced through the house telling herself "we have two emergencies here. " Then right before we left I was on the phone with my sister telling her what was happening, and Camryn ran in and told me "mom, there is NO time to waste, get off the phone and lets go" So I followed the orders of my 4 year old and we headed to the ER.

Dylan continued to throw up in the ER, but he had no fever. So Courtlyn was their top priority. Her fever got up to 102.8, and after hours of tessts they could find no source of infection. So at midnight they decided to do a spinal tap.....on my 6 week old baby! By that time Dylan felt better so they released him, and he and Camryn went home with my parents. They did the spinal tap and it came back positive for viral meningitis. All I could think is "you have got to kidding me! My husband died while I was pregnant, I almost lost my baby in delivery, and now she has meningitis???? What the hell else can I handle?" We were admitted to the hospital and stayed three days, with her hooked up to an IV. She recovered well though, and all the nurses were in love with her by the time we left.

Four days later would have been mine and Joe's 8th anniversay. That was 100 times worse than his birthday to me. We usually didn't do much for our birthdays, but anniversaries were big. It was the one time every year we knew we would get a babysitter. It didn't matter what else was going on, we did something special for our anniversary, even the years I was pregnant. Last year Joe to9ok me to the Faith Hill/Tim McGraw concert.....something he cared nothing about, but knew I would love. So to sit here alone with the kids on our anniversary was depressing to say the least. And just like Father's Day, I was alone in my misery....its not anything anyone else would ever think about.

I've been hearing a lot of the usual cliches lately...."God doesn't give us more than we can handle", "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", etc. Well this is what I think about those statements......I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE! I reached my breaking point the night Joe died....the only reason I'm able to go on is because of my kids. And as far as becoming a stronger person....I think I was a strong person before all of this. In fact I was stronger because of Joe. I'm not any stronger today, than I was 10 months ago. I don't foresee my kids growing up thinking what a strong mother they had. I imagine them talking about how their mother went insane the day their dad died, and that its a miracle they all survived.