August 2, 2007

Today was te worst day I've had in months. It started out OK...took Camryn back to the doctor for a follow up on her spider bite. Went to the grocery store and got her another prescription. Came home, fed the kids, put Dylan down for a nap.

But it went downhill from there. At 4:00 I turned on a movie for the kids and I felt truly exhausted. So I laid down and took a very short nap with Courtlyn. I was repeatedly disturbed by the kids fighting though, and by Camryn telling me I was lazy. Eventually the kids were fighting so bad that I had no choice but to get up and I lost it....screaming at everyone, and Dylan ending up getting spanked. Then I sat in the bed to feed Courtlyn and cried because I knew that yes, they were fighting, but they didn't deserve me to react the way I did. I just sat there in a daze for a while thinking about Joe. And how much I wish he would walk through the door, and give me something to look forward to. I got up and fed the kids leftover pizza for dinner and put them in the bath. At that point I had another meltdown when Dylan purposely poured a bowl of water onto the bathroom floor. By this point Courtlyn was screaming...I'm sure it was brought about by my yelling and Dylan's crying. So after their bath I sat in the rocking chair trying to console her. Camryn took control of the situation as usual and got Dylan to help her clean the whole house. She put away every toy and even cleaned up the kitchen counters, while I sat in the chair crying with Courtlyn. At bedtime I let them both get in my bed and I laid with them for a while and told them how sorry I was fo rhaving such a bad day. I told them I was just really missing daddy and that I would try to do better tomorrow.

I really haven't had any moments like this since Courtlyn was born. But I think its only because I've been so busy that I hardly have time to think. But today was apparently my breaking point.
I'm just so pissed off at the world right now. I'm angry that Joe's gone, I'm angry at the guy who killed him, I'm angry that I didn't have more time with him, I'm angry that my kids are slowly forgetting him, I'm angry at Joe for leaving me in this situation, and I'm angry at the rest of the world for going on with their lives, while mine is stuck right here without him.

Everyday is exactly the same. Every hour is the same. Every minute is the same. I have nothing to break up the monotony of my day. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing. I chase after these 3 kids 24 hours a day. Joe has been gone for 279 days. I have at LEAST 6,570 days left of taking care of kids, by myself. No one to vent to after the kids have gone to bed, no one to share my concerns with, no one to sit and laugh with, no one to pass the kids off to if I want to take a 5 minute break. No one. Sure, I could call a friend or family. But its not the same. Its not Joe.