July 22, 2007

On Tuesday, May 22 I went to the hospital to have labor induced. At the last minute I decided that I wanted to be there alone. I felt that if Joe couldn't be there then no one should be there. I didn't even tell anyone that I was going, except for the ladies in my support group and my family, who was keeping my other 2 children. My decisions apparently offended a few people, but it was what I felt was best for me at the time, and until someone has experienced what I'm going through, I think judgments shouldn't be made.

So I dropped my kids off and headed for the hospital at 9pm. It was so strange being there without Joe. We had done this together two other times, so I could easily picture him there and imagine what he would be saying and doing.

There were several awkward moments during my hospital stay....beginning with the 100 questions they asked me upon my arrival. The nurse asked if I had been under any stress during my pregnancy....I just rolled my eyes and said yes. Then a few minutes later she asked me if I was single or married. You should have seen her face when I told her I was widowed. I can only imagine what the conversation was like when she went back to the nurses station.
The next morning my new nurse came in at 7am. It was the same nurse sho had delivered Dylan just 2 years ago. She had already been told about Joe's accident and I could tell it was awkward for her, but I was glad to have her there and I thought she handled the situation great.

At 9am my doctor came in to break my water. When he did, he immediately mumbled something to the nurse and then told her to get the ultrasound machine. She yelled SHIT and ran out the door. Within seconds she was back, but the doctor told her there was no time. He told her to trade places with him and keep her hand in my cervix. As he started to leave the room he turned to me and said "you're about to have the fastest c-section in history". There was immediately a team of nurses running in my room, sushing me out the door to the operating room. I wasn't wure who was in danger, the baby or me, but I knew it was bad. I just yelled for someone to call my family.

I was taken to the operating room with my nurse still on top f m ewith her hand in my cervix. She was freaking out and I remember another nurse trying to calm her down and told that as long as she could still feel the baby's heartbeat that she was OK. In the operating room I just remember seeing a whole team of people rushing around and the anesthesiologist telling me there was no time for an epidural, that he would have to put me completely under, and that everything was going to be OK. The last thing I remember is yelling at him "NO, ITS NOT OK!"

Then I woke up back in my room and was told that my baby girl was born at 9:12am (only 12 minutes after my doctor broke my water). I talked to several nurses and doctors that assisted and they all said it was a true emergency c-section in every sense. They said they didn't even properly scrub in....they just washed their hands real quick and cut me open as fast as they could. Courtlyn then made a very weak entrance into the world. They said she was blue, and her apgar score was only 4. But within minutes our pediatrician was able to get her breathing regularly and her second score was 8. The pediatrician told me that by the end of the whole ordeal she and my doctor and several nurses were all in tears. I thank God that I was completely under anesthesia because I don't think I could have handled all of that drama and stress.

Apparently the baby's cord was prolapsed, which is when the cord is positioned under the baby's head. Its potentially fatal because when the baby's head presses down on the cord it cuts off the oxygen supply to the baby. So that nurse that was on top of me with her hand in my cervix for 12 minutes was actually pushing the baby's head up, off the cord.

I truly believe that Joe was in that operating room with me, making sure we were OK. He knew me better than anyone else in the world, and he would know that there would be no way I could handle losing my baby....especially not now, having already lost him. Without him and my awesome doctors, I know Courtlyn wouldn't be here today. The pediatrican even told me that she was talking to Joe during the moments she was trying to get Courtlyn breathing. And even though I was asleep through the whole thing, I am certain he was right there by my side.