I was informed yesterday that the man who hit Joe pled guilty and will face sentencing in a couple of weeks. Not surprisingly, he has chosen to be sentenced by the judge, rather than by a jury. However, he will appear in court and I'll be there and will be given the opporunity to give an impact statement. I'm supposed to write a paper that lets him know how his actions have and will effect our lives. I get to read it to him and he is unable to respond to what I say.
I sat down last night to write my statement. Where do I begin? How do I sum up our huge loss in a 5 minute speech? No matter what I say he will never fully understand our loss, or what its doing to the lives of me and my children.
Oh, by the way Nemo is alive! He hid out in his little light house for about 12 hours and then decided to come out. So no fish funeral needed, yet.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
September 18, 2007
Its 2:45am and I just walked over by our fish tank and realized its been a while since we've fed him. "A while" means that its been so long that I don't remember. So I turned his light on, tapped on the glass, and put some food in. No sign of little Nemo. He's in his little ceramic light house. So I start frantically shaking the aquarium...still no Nemo. What the hell am I supposed to do with a dead fish. Fish that are alive are nasty enough....but a DEAD one, what am I supposed to do with that? This is when Joe is supposed to walk in and dispose of it. Not me. And what about the kids? Camryn is already turning in prayer requests at school for my childhood dogs, Rags and Jo-Jo. One who died and one who ran away. How is she going to react to her very own pet dying? She reminds me daily that Nemo is her first pet, and how special he is to her. How am I supposed to explain to her that momma killed him? Oh, wait....it is her pet. I can totally avoid blame for this. She was the one who was supposed to feed him afterall, right? So what if she can't reach it without my help. She is 5 years old now....she needs to take some responsibility. This is totally NOT my fault.
September 14, 2007
I always gave Joe a hard time about spending too much money and not having any savings. His response was always "well, I can't take it with me, I might as well enjoy it now" He was right he couldn't take it with him, but he sure the hell could have left it here with us!
My checking account balance is currently more than $300 overdrawn. I have NEVER had this happen before in my life. I have had to really worry about money since I was about 22 years old. If I needed money, it was there. If I just wanted money it was there. When I quit working in 2005 Joe started giving me $5,000 a month to pay bills and anything else we needed. I didn't even pay all the bills....he paid for a lot of them through his business. I only paid about $2,500 worth of bills and the rest was spent on groceries and anything else I wanted. And still if I needed more, he would have covered it. Now I'm supporting three kids and paying all the bills on about 1/2 that amount.
Today Dylan needed to go to the doctor and when we got in the car my gas light came on. I had no money and seeing that I have a negative balance, I couldn't use my debit card. I started crying because I knew we didn't have enough gas to get to Shreveport and back. Dylan went and got his piggy bank for me. I started crying more. I gave him his bank back, went to Joe's closet and found $5 in quarters. We went to the doctor and got gas on our way home. I haven't gotten $5 in gas since the early 90s. It doesn't go very far anymore snce gas is so expensive. My gas light was still on, but it did get us home. Hopefully tomorrow our social security check will have gone through and I'll have access to some money. But the car note and house note are both late, so I have a feeling we'll be in the same situation this month.
Next week I'm canceling call waiting and caller ID, and I might even cancel internet service. I'm trying to think of anything to save a few dollars. A few days ago Camryn brought home a t-shirt order form from school for a t-shirt they can wear to school on designated days. I couldn't order one. Today was jean day for her and she doesn't have any jeans. And I couldn't just go buy her a pair. She's going to have to wait until I can save up enough money to buy her a pair.
I can not believe this is how life is going to be from now on. Such a drastic change from where we were a year ago. If Joe can see us, I know his heart is breaking. He would have never wanted us to have to live like this. He prided himself on being able to provide us with nice things, with anything we wanted. And now here we are at a point where I don't even know how I'll pay for baby formula each week.
My checking account balance is currently more than $300 overdrawn. I have NEVER had this happen before in my life. I have had to really worry about money since I was about 22 years old. If I needed money, it was there. If I just wanted money it was there. When I quit working in 2005 Joe started giving me $5,000 a month to pay bills and anything else we needed. I didn't even pay all the bills....he paid for a lot of them through his business. I only paid about $2,500 worth of bills and the rest was spent on groceries and anything else I wanted. And still if I needed more, he would have covered it. Now I'm supporting three kids and paying all the bills on about 1/2 that amount.
Today Dylan needed to go to the doctor and when we got in the car my gas light came on. I had no money and seeing that I have a negative balance, I couldn't use my debit card. I started crying because I knew we didn't have enough gas to get to Shreveport and back. Dylan went and got his piggy bank for me. I started crying more. I gave him his bank back, went to Joe's closet and found $5 in quarters. We went to the doctor and got gas on our way home. I haven't gotten $5 in gas since the early 90s. It doesn't go very far anymore snce gas is so expensive. My gas light was still on, but it did get us home. Hopefully tomorrow our social security check will have gone through and I'll have access to some money. But the car note and house note are both late, so I have a feeling we'll be in the same situation this month.
Next week I'm canceling call waiting and caller ID, and I might even cancel internet service. I'm trying to think of anything to save a few dollars. A few days ago Camryn brought home a t-shirt order form from school for a t-shirt they can wear to school on designated days. I couldn't order one. Today was jean day for her and she doesn't have any jeans. And I couldn't just go buy her a pair. She's going to have to wait until I can save up enough money to buy her a pair.
I can not believe this is how life is going to be from now on. Such a drastic change from where we were a year ago. If Joe can see us, I know his heart is breaking. He would have never wanted us to have to live like this. He prided himself on being able to provide us with nice things, with anything we wanted. And now here we are at a point where I don't even know how I'll pay for baby formula each week.
September 12, 2007
I'm banning Rice Krispies from my house. I will never buy them or eat them again. Why? Because of their commercials. NOTHING could make me feel like a worse mother than those damn commercials. If I didn't already have kids I swear I would want them when I see those commercials. But I know now that its not really like that in real life....all peaceful, calm, and clean. Like I reallly have a chance to sit with my kids and listen quietly to the rice krispies snap, krackle, and pop, or watch the milk turn chocolate. And if I did find a few minutes to do that we wouldn't be able to hear it anyway because of all the noise that comes along with kids. And by some chance if it was quiet and I had 5 minutes to sit with them, you can bet my counters and table wouldn't be clean.
September 10, 2007
We started soccer this weekend. Tonight was Camryn's second practice. As we were driving there tonight all the memories came flooding back from last year. Joe went to every practice and game with us. We would ride in his truck and when we got there he would put Camryn on the edge of his tool box in the bed of his truck and put her shin guards and cleats on. He would push them both in the wagon or I would push Dylan and Camryn would ride on his shoulders. He helped coach her team. After just about every game we would go driving around looking for a house or property. He loved every minute of it. It was something he could finally do with Camryn that they both really enjoyed.
I hate that he's not here to see how much better she's gotten in the past year. Or how she knew exactly what to do. And how she would kick the ball into the goal. I hate that he's wasn't here to roll his eyes when at Saturday's practice it was her turn to kick the ball and she just stopped....and told the coach so seriously that it felt like the desert out there and that she wished it was snowing. Or that he can't be here to see her and Dylan climb the dirt "mountain" (as they call it) that is as high as our roof, and come running down the other side.
Its been almost a year since he died. So the memories from this time last year are the ones freshest in my mind. Out of all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc that I've had to face, none of them compare to facing the next two months of memories.
I hate that he's not here to see how much better she's gotten in the past year. Or how she knew exactly what to do. And how she would kick the ball into the goal. I hate that he's wasn't here to roll his eyes when at Saturday's practice it was her turn to kick the ball and she just stopped....and told the coach so seriously that it felt like the desert out there and that she wished it was snowing. Or that he can't be here to see her and Dylan climb the dirt "mountain" (as they call it) that is as high as our roof, and come running down the other side.
Its been almost a year since he died. So the memories from this time last year are the ones freshest in my mind. Out of all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc that I've had to face, none of them compare to facing the next two months of memories.
September 9, 2007
Yep, today was my birthday. 33 years old. It's the first time in my life I've actually felt older than I am.
Last night we went to the boardwalk with my parents. Ate dinner and let the kids go shopping for a present for me. I got pink Nike flip-flops and a pink shirt....can you tell Camryn was the one picking things out? They were perfect gifts though....things I'll actually get some use out of.
Today we went to church. I dressed the girls in matching dresses and even took the time to pick out a coordinating green polo for Dylan to wear. We were walking out the door when I looked down at Dylan and saw that he had chocolate milk all over his shirt. I got him a new shirt and then noticed it was all over his khaki shorts too....and even on his socks! And all over the carpet too. Apparently he decided to spit out every drink he took. So I had to change every piece of clothing he had on. In all the chaos I totally forgot it was even my birthday. Several people at church knew somehow though...I even got a couple of cards.
So we came home and I felt like shit from this cold I have. And Courtlyn still doesn't feel good either. So her and I laid down for a little while. When I got up I looked around at this house and decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made the kids lunch and started yelling that I was going to get rid of all the damn toys in the house. I think I even yelled the phrase "happy damn birthday to me" So the kids sat in their chairs staring at me while I had a breakdown and started bagging up their toys. When they finished their lunch I had them start helping me. We bagged up 5 lawn bags full of toys....no more Dora house (and the 100 pieces that go with it), no more Little People (and the 800 pieces with it), no more play kitchen (and food/dishes with it), no more playhouse tent, and a whole lot more. Once I cleaned all that out I was able to rearrrange some other stuff, like plants from the funeral. Overall I ended up in a much better mood because it made such a difference in this house. Even Camryn was happy with it. Our house hasn't looked this clutter free since Joe died. I used to always go through toys and clean things out, but I haven't felt up to it in a long time. It was way over due. Maybe now Dylan will start actually playing with things rather than just dumping them on the floor, and moving on to something else.
About the time we were finishing up my neighbors showed up with a present and cupcakes. So after dinner the kids sang happy birthday to me as I brought them their cupcakes. I felt too sick to even eat one....but they enjoyed them anyway.
Then before baths we cleaned up more toys, while Courtlyn proceeded to see if she could actually make my head explode with her screaming. I think she was real close to succeeding when I finally realized she had a dirty diaper. Seriously, how can this be my third child and I not know to check a damn diaper.
I eventually got them all bathed and in bed. And now its 10:30pm and I'm going to clean the bathrooms and do laundry. Happy damn birthday to me.
Last night we went to the boardwalk with my parents. Ate dinner and let the kids go shopping for a present for me. I got pink Nike flip-flops and a pink shirt....can you tell Camryn was the one picking things out? They were perfect gifts though....things I'll actually get some use out of.
Today we went to church. I dressed the girls in matching dresses and even took the time to pick out a coordinating green polo for Dylan to wear. We were walking out the door when I looked down at Dylan and saw that he had chocolate milk all over his shirt. I got him a new shirt and then noticed it was all over his khaki shorts too....and even on his socks! And all over the carpet too. Apparently he decided to spit out every drink he took. So I had to change every piece of clothing he had on. In all the chaos I totally forgot it was even my birthday. Several people at church knew somehow though...I even got a couple of cards.
So we came home and I felt like shit from this cold I have. And Courtlyn still doesn't feel good either. So her and I laid down for a little while. When I got up I looked around at this house and decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made the kids lunch and started yelling that I was going to get rid of all the damn toys in the house. I think I even yelled the phrase "happy damn birthday to me" So the kids sat in their chairs staring at me while I had a breakdown and started bagging up their toys. When they finished their lunch I had them start helping me. We bagged up 5 lawn bags full of toys....no more Dora house (and the 100 pieces that go with it), no more Little People (and the 800 pieces with it), no more play kitchen (and food/dishes with it), no more playhouse tent, and a whole lot more. Once I cleaned all that out I was able to rearrrange some other stuff, like plants from the funeral. Overall I ended up in a much better mood because it made such a difference in this house. Even Camryn was happy with it. Our house hasn't looked this clutter free since Joe died. I used to always go through toys and clean things out, but I haven't felt up to it in a long time. It was way over due. Maybe now Dylan will start actually playing with things rather than just dumping them on the floor, and moving on to something else.
About the time we were finishing up my neighbors showed up with a present and cupcakes. So after dinner the kids sang happy birthday to me as I brought them their cupcakes. I felt too sick to even eat one....but they enjoyed them anyway.
Then before baths we cleaned up more toys, while Courtlyn proceeded to see if she could actually make my head explode with her screaming. I think she was real close to succeeding when I finally realized she had a dirty diaper. Seriously, how can this be my third child and I not know to check a damn diaper.
I eventually got them all bathed and in bed. And now its 10:30pm and I'm going to clean the bathrooms and do laundry. Happy damn birthday to me.
September 7, 2007
Camryn didn't go to school today. We went to the doctor instead....all 3 kids are sick. I thought I would check her in after our appointment, but when I told her that she said "momma, I'm sick. You can't take me to school." And she was right. She has strep throat. She got a shot, which was a pure nightmare....kicking, screaming, hitting, etc. Dylan and and Courtlyn don't have strep, not yet anyway. But though do have bad coughs and a lot of congestion. So they are both on prescription decongesants and antibiotics. And I'm still giving Camryn Tylenol and Motrin to keep her fever down. So between the three of them I'll be giving out about 16 doses of medicine per day. If I keep it all straight and don't overdose someone it will be a miracle.
We also had a hearing test done on Camryn this afternoon. I mentioned to the doctor at Camryn's 5 year checkup that she seems to not hear a lot of things I say, so we went on and had it tested. So I loaded up all three sick kids this afternoon and headed to the audiology center. Dylan fell sound asleep on the way and I couldn't wake him up. So I had to carry all 34 pounds of him in one arm while I carried Courtlyn in her car seat in the other arm (she weighs 15 pounds without the carseat being added in) and a diaper bag too. We get in the office and Dylan still won't wake up. Then Courtlyn got pissed off in her carseat and started screaming so I was trying to bend over and get her out while still holding him. By the time I got her unbuckled he woke up crying. So I had both of them crying, and wanting to be held. Camryn was saved from the situation because right that moment they called her back by herself for her test. I was so wishing I would be the one called back alone.
To top it all off I'm not coming down with something too. My head is pounding, my eyes are burning, and my ears are killing me. So before we went to the audiologist I rummaged through the medicine cabinet to find something to take. All I could find was benadryl so I took 2. Not a good decision. By the time we were leaving the appointment I could barely hold my eyes open. So we somehow made it home and all I could manage to do was get the baby out of her carseat and take her to the bed with me. I collapsed and slept for two hours. Of course when I woke up the house was destroyed. Camryn and Dylan had pulled out just about everything possible. They even brought in bags full of toys that were in the garage. And there were candy wrappers everywhere. I quickly made them a sandwich, dispensed medicine, gave them a bath, and put them to bed. Now I get to stay up and clean up their mess.
oh, and Camryn's official diagnosis from the audiologist? She's five years old....apparently 5 year olds have selective hearing, and mine has chosen to not listen to her mother. Her hearing is fine.
We also had a hearing test done on Camryn this afternoon. I mentioned to the doctor at Camryn's 5 year checkup that she seems to not hear a lot of things I say, so we went on and had it tested. So I loaded up all three sick kids this afternoon and headed to the audiology center. Dylan fell sound asleep on the way and I couldn't wake him up. So I had to carry all 34 pounds of him in one arm while I carried Courtlyn in her car seat in the other arm (she weighs 15 pounds without the carseat being added in) and a diaper bag too. We get in the office and Dylan still won't wake up. Then Courtlyn got pissed off in her carseat and started screaming so I was trying to bend over and get her out while still holding him. By the time I got her unbuckled he woke up crying. So I had both of them crying, and wanting to be held. Camryn was saved from the situation because right that moment they called her back by herself for her test. I was so wishing I would be the one called back alone.
To top it all off I'm not coming down with something too. My head is pounding, my eyes are burning, and my ears are killing me. So before we went to the audiologist I rummaged through the medicine cabinet to find something to take. All I could find was benadryl so I took 2. Not a good decision. By the time we were leaving the appointment I could barely hold my eyes open. So we somehow made it home and all I could manage to do was get the baby out of her carseat and take her to the bed with me. I collapsed and slept for two hours. Of course when I woke up the house was destroyed. Camryn and Dylan had pulled out just about everything possible. They even brought in bags full of toys that were in the garage. And there were candy wrappers everywhere. I quickly made them a sandwich, dispensed medicine, gave them a bath, and put them to bed. Now I get to stay up and clean up their mess.
oh, and Camryn's official diagnosis from the audiologist? She's five years old....apparently 5 year olds have selective hearing, and mine has chosen to not listen to her mother. Her hearing is fine.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
September 5, 2007
We have finally been busy around here. Camryn is loving dance class, and Dylan and her are both having a great time at AWANA. Soccer starts this weekend....that means we will have something to do every evening other than Thursday and Friday. Being busy definately helps me in a lot of ways. But its also frustrating to try to take all 3 of these kids all over town by myself. But at least I'm too busy and overwhelmed to have time to sit around and get depressed about it.
Tuesday morning while Camryn was at school Dylan and I filled up over 50 water balloons. We surprised Camryn with them after school. I took them outside and they had a blast. I know I haven't been much fun for them since Joe died. He and I used to both do stuff like that with them all the time. But without him here I just haven't had it in me. But the other day I was thinking about all the fun things he would be doing with them if he was here. Its my responsibilty now. He's not here to go outside with them and swing them dangerously high, or give them horse rides, or play hide and seek, or chase them through the house. And for the past 10 months I haven't done a very good job of taking his place. But its time that I did. I have three amazing kids who don't have their daddy here; I'm all they have, and its my responsibility to give them the best life possible....the life they deserve....the life Joe and I dreamed for them.
Tuesday morning while Camryn was at school Dylan and I filled up over 50 water balloons. We surprised Camryn with them after school. I took them outside and they had a blast. I know I haven't been much fun for them since Joe died. He and I used to both do stuff like that with them all the time. But without him here I just haven't had it in me. But the other day I was thinking about all the fun things he would be doing with them if he was here. Its my responsibilty now. He's not here to go outside with them and swing them dangerously high, or give them horse rides, or play hide and seek, or chase them through the house. And for the past 10 months I haven't done a very good job of taking his place. But its time that I did. I have three amazing kids who don't have their daddy here; I'm all they have, and its my responsibility to give them the best life possible....the life they deserve....the life Joe and I dreamed for them.
August 31, 2007
Camryn had her 5 year old check up today. I can't believe she's 5. Her party was last weekend at Kiddie Mia's and she had a ton of her little school friends there. My house is running over with presents.....it looks like Christmas around here.
But I just can't get over the fact that she's 5 years old and in kindergarten. She looks so cute in her school uniform, and she's doing great. Most of the parents walk the kindergarteners to class....but Camryn won't have any part of that. She let me for the first couple of days, but lately she insists that I just pull up through the circle and let her out. She puts on her backpack, tells me bye, off she goes! Every morning I worry that she won't know where to go or won't be able to get the hall door open, or she'll fall, or many of the hundreds of other things that could go wrong. But every morning she makes it there just fine, despite all the concerns of her overprotective mother.
She asked me yesterday how old Dylan and Courtlyn will be when she's 15. I thought for a minute, and told her Dylan will be 13, and Courtlyn will be 11. That doesn't even seem possible right now. And I can't help but think even further into the future.....when Camryn is 18, Dylan will be 16, and Courtlyn will be 14! Or when Camryn is 21, Dylan will 19, and Courtlyn will be 17! All I can think about is the college parties and underage drinking that will probably be going on with the younger two. I probably need to start getting all the sleep and rest I can now, because I think I need to save my energy for when they're all teenagers at one time!
But I just can't get over the fact that she's 5 years old and in kindergarten. She looks so cute in her school uniform, and she's doing great. Most of the parents walk the kindergarteners to class....but Camryn won't have any part of that. She let me for the first couple of days, but lately she insists that I just pull up through the circle and let her out. She puts on her backpack, tells me bye, off she goes! Every morning I worry that she won't know where to go or won't be able to get the hall door open, or she'll fall, or many of the hundreds of other things that could go wrong. But every morning she makes it there just fine, despite all the concerns of her overprotective mother.
She asked me yesterday how old Dylan and Courtlyn will be when she's 15. I thought for a minute, and told her Dylan will be 13, and Courtlyn will be 11. That doesn't even seem possible right now. And I can't help but think even further into the future.....when Camryn is 18, Dylan will be 16, and Courtlyn will be 14! Or when Camryn is 21, Dylan will 19, and Courtlyn will be 17! All I can think about is the college parties and underage drinking that will probably be going on with the younger two. I probably need to start getting all the sleep and rest I can now, because I think I need to save my energy for when they're all teenagers at one time!
August 29, 2007
Tonight at church I was talking to a lady I met several months ago...one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. So we're standing there talking when she asks how old I am. I tell her I'm 32 and she tells me that she has a 35 year old brother who isn't married and how she just keeps wishing that we could meet. She then told me that he lives several states away, but she wishes she could get him here.
That by far was the strangest conversation I've had since Joe died. In my mind I still feel like I'm married, although in reality I know I'm not. I'll always love Joe, but the truth is I'm not married anymore. I'm reminded of that everytime I have to fill out a form asking for my marital status. But its a hard concept to grasp. I met Joe almost 11 years ago...when I was 22 years old. We instantly became very good friends, and were dating seriously within 4 months. We were engaged a few months later, and were married a year after that. I've spent my entire adult life with him. I spent those years thinking we would always be together. Its hard to really come to terms with the fact that I'm now single. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation where someone would be trying to set me up with her brother.
That by far was the strangest conversation I've had since Joe died. In my mind I still feel like I'm married, although in reality I know I'm not. I'll always love Joe, but the truth is I'm not married anymore. I'm reminded of that everytime I have to fill out a form asking for my marital status. But its a hard concept to grasp. I met Joe almost 11 years ago...when I was 22 years old. We instantly became very good friends, and were dating seriously within 4 months. We were engaged a few months later, and were married a year after that. I've spent my entire adult life with him. I spent those years thinking we would always be together. Its hard to really come to terms with the fact that I'm now single. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation where someone would be trying to set me up with her brother.
August 28, 2007
Camryn started dance class today. Its a combination of ballet and tap. She was so excited and looked so precious in her leotard and tights with her hair in a bun, carrying her little dance bag with ballet shoes, tap shoes, and water bottle inside. It was so obvious that she thought she was so grown up. She's the youngest in her class of 5-6 year olds, so it was hilarious to watch her through the window....having NO clue what she was doing! But she loved it, and had fun....and thats what really matters.
Tomorrow night Dylan and Camryn both start AWANA at church. Dylan is super excited about that. Its the first year he's old enough to participate. All he talks about is getting to dress up like Camryn....because they have several "dress-up" nights through the year....clown night, silly slipper night, backwards night, Christmas costume night, etc. I'm excited too, but for totally different reasons.....it means I get one hour a week with just the baby to go grocery shopping! Doesn't seem like much to get excited about I know, but anyone that has three kids as young as mine would understand the headache it causes to take them all shopping.
So we're getting busy around here..... kindergarten, dance, AWANA, and soccer will be starting in a couple of weeks too. I know I'm going to be wore out, but I'm glad to have something to do everyday. I know it will be good for me, and I think it will be good for the kids too. We've sat around this house in our pajamas for exactly 10 months now....only getting out when absolutely necessary. Its time to get out and start living again. I can't continue to do this to the kids, its not fair to them. Its bad enough that they lost their daddy, but ultimately they lost their mother too. Because I haven't been the same since Joe died. I've been here physically, but emotionally and mentally I've been gone. I haven't been here for them like I need to be. It got so bad this summer that I wouldn't get out of the bed until almost noon everyday. Camryn would get up with Dylan in the morning and find them something for breakfast and make their milk. Then she would get them both dressed....even change Dylan's diaper. Then they would proceed to destroy the house, and get into everything imaginable. And when I would finally get up the energy to drag myself out of bed, Dylan would run up to me, give me a hug, and say "thank you for getting up mommy!"
So I know I'm going to be running in circles with everything I'm getting them involved in, and I know I really can't afford for them to do all these things, but ultimately I've decided its a small price to pay for giving us all something to look forward to everyday..... and for gaining our lives back.
Tomorrow night Dylan and Camryn both start AWANA at church. Dylan is super excited about that. Its the first year he's old enough to participate. All he talks about is getting to dress up like Camryn....because they have several "dress-up" nights through the year....clown night, silly slipper night, backwards night, Christmas costume night, etc. I'm excited too, but for totally different reasons.....it means I get one hour a week with just the baby to go grocery shopping! Doesn't seem like much to get excited about I know, but anyone that has three kids as young as mine would understand the headache it causes to take them all shopping.
So we're getting busy around here..... kindergarten, dance, AWANA, and soccer will be starting in a couple of weeks too. I know I'm going to be wore out, but I'm glad to have something to do everyday. I know it will be good for me, and I think it will be good for the kids too. We've sat around this house in our pajamas for exactly 10 months now....only getting out when absolutely necessary. Its time to get out and start living again. I can't continue to do this to the kids, its not fair to them. Its bad enough that they lost their daddy, but ultimately they lost their mother too. Because I haven't been the same since Joe died. I've been here physically, but emotionally and mentally I've been gone. I haven't been here for them like I need to be. It got so bad this summer that I wouldn't get out of the bed until almost noon everyday. Camryn would get up with Dylan in the morning and find them something for breakfast and make their milk. Then she would get them both dressed....even change Dylan's diaper. Then they would proceed to destroy the house, and get into everything imaginable. And when I would finally get up the energy to drag myself out of bed, Dylan would run up to me, give me a hug, and say "thank you for getting up mommy!"
So I know I'm going to be running in circles with everything I'm getting them involved in, and I know I really can't afford for them to do all these things, but ultimately I've decided its a small price to pay for giving us all something to look forward to everyday..... and for gaining our lives back.
August 27, 2007
I'm wanting my husband very badly right now. I want him to tell Camryn Happy Birthday and play with her at her party at Kiddie Mias. I want him to teach Dylan how to potty standing up. I want him to hold his new baby and see her double-chinned smile. I want him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be OK. I just want him here with me. I want to feel his arms around me.
When Joe was here, no matter how bad things got I always felt safe with him by my side. Now its just me..... alone with 3 kids. I've never felt so alone in my life.
When Joe was here, no matter how bad things got I always felt safe with him by my side. Now its just me..... alone with 3 kids. I've never felt so alone in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)