We have finally been busy around here. Camryn is loving dance class, and Dylan and her are both having a great time at AWANA. Soccer starts this weekend....that means we will have something to do every evening other than Thursday and Friday. Being busy definately helps me in a lot of ways. But its also frustrating to try to take all 3 of these kids all over town by myself. But at least I'm too busy and overwhelmed to have time to sit around and get depressed about it.
Tuesday morning while Camryn was at school Dylan and I filled up over 50 water balloons. We surprised Camryn with them after school. I took them outside and they had a blast. I know I haven't been much fun for them since Joe died. He and I used to both do stuff like that with them all the time. But without him here I just haven't had it in me. But the other day I was thinking about all the fun things he would be doing with them if he was here. Its my responsibilty now. He's not here to go outside with them and swing them dangerously high, or give them horse rides, or play hide and seek, or chase them through the house. And for the past 10 months I haven't done a very good job of taking his place. But its time that I did. I have three amazing kids who don't have their daddy here; I'm all they have, and its my responsibility to give them the best life possible....the life they deserve....the life Joe and I dreamed for them.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
August 31, 2007
Camryn had her 5 year old check up today. I can't believe she's 5. Her party was last weekend at Kiddie Mia's and she had a ton of her little school friends there. My house is running over with presents.....it looks like Christmas around here.
But I just can't get over the fact that she's 5 years old and in kindergarten. She looks so cute in her school uniform, and she's doing great. Most of the parents walk the kindergarteners to class....but Camryn won't have any part of that. She let me for the first couple of days, but lately she insists that I just pull up through the circle and let her out. She puts on her backpack, tells me bye, off she goes! Every morning I worry that she won't know where to go or won't be able to get the hall door open, or she'll fall, or many of the hundreds of other things that could go wrong. But every morning she makes it there just fine, despite all the concerns of her overprotective mother.
She asked me yesterday how old Dylan and Courtlyn will be when she's 15. I thought for a minute, and told her Dylan will be 13, and Courtlyn will be 11. That doesn't even seem possible right now. And I can't help but think even further into the future.....when Camryn is 18, Dylan will be 16, and Courtlyn will be 14! Or when Camryn is 21, Dylan will 19, and Courtlyn will be 17! All I can think about is the college parties and underage drinking that will probably be going on with the younger two. I probably need to start getting all the sleep and rest I can now, because I think I need to save my energy for when they're all teenagers at one time!
But I just can't get over the fact that she's 5 years old and in kindergarten. She looks so cute in her school uniform, and she's doing great. Most of the parents walk the kindergarteners to class....but Camryn won't have any part of that. She let me for the first couple of days, but lately she insists that I just pull up through the circle and let her out. She puts on her backpack, tells me bye, off she goes! Every morning I worry that she won't know where to go or won't be able to get the hall door open, or she'll fall, or many of the hundreds of other things that could go wrong. But every morning she makes it there just fine, despite all the concerns of her overprotective mother.
She asked me yesterday how old Dylan and Courtlyn will be when she's 15. I thought for a minute, and told her Dylan will be 13, and Courtlyn will be 11. That doesn't even seem possible right now. And I can't help but think even further into the future.....when Camryn is 18, Dylan will be 16, and Courtlyn will be 14! Or when Camryn is 21, Dylan will 19, and Courtlyn will be 17! All I can think about is the college parties and underage drinking that will probably be going on with the younger two. I probably need to start getting all the sleep and rest I can now, because I think I need to save my energy for when they're all teenagers at one time!
August 29, 2007
Tonight at church I was talking to a lady I met several months ago...one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. So we're standing there talking when she asks how old I am. I tell her I'm 32 and she tells me that she has a 35 year old brother who isn't married and how she just keeps wishing that we could meet. She then told me that he lives several states away, but she wishes she could get him here.
That by far was the strangest conversation I've had since Joe died. In my mind I still feel like I'm married, although in reality I know I'm not. I'll always love Joe, but the truth is I'm not married anymore. I'm reminded of that everytime I have to fill out a form asking for my marital status. But its a hard concept to grasp. I met Joe almost 11 years ago...when I was 22 years old. We instantly became very good friends, and were dating seriously within 4 months. We were engaged a few months later, and were married a year after that. I've spent my entire adult life with him. I spent those years thinking we would always be together. Its hard to really come to terms with the fact that I'm now single. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation where someone would be trying to set me up with her brother.
That by far was the strangest conversation I've had since Joe died. In my mind I still feel like I'm married, although in reality I know I'm not. I'll always love Joe, but the truth is I'm not married anymore. I'm reminded of that everytime I have to fill out a form asking for my marital status. But its a hard concept to grasp. I met Joe almost 11 years ago...when I was 22 years old. We instantly became very good friends, and were dating seriously within 4 months. We were engaged a few months later, and were married a year after that. I've spent my entire adult life with him. I spent those years thinking we would always be together. Its hard to really come to terms with the fact that I'm now single. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation where someone would be trying to set me up with her brother.
August 28, 2007
Camryn started dance class today. Its a combination of ballet and tap. She was so excited and looked so precious in her leotard and tights with her hair in a bun, carrying her little dance bag with ballet shoes, tap shoes, and water bottle inside. It was so obvious that she thought she was so grown up. She's the youngest in her class of 5-6 year olds, so it was hilarious to watch her through the window....having NO clue what she was doing! But she loved it, and had fun....and thats what really matters.
Tomorrow night Dylan and Camryn both start AWANA at church. Dylan is super excited about that. Its the first year he's old enough to participate. All he talks about is getting to dress up like Camryn....because they have several "dress-up" nights through the year....clown night, silly slipper night, backwards night, Christmas costume night, etc. I'm excited too, but for totally different reasons.....it means I get one hour a week with just the baby to go grocery shopping! Doesn't seem like much to get excited about I know, but anyone that has three kids as young as mine would understand the headache it causes to take them all shopping.
So we're getting busy around here..... kindergarten, dance, AWANA, and soccer will be starting in a couple of weeks too. I know I'm going to be wore out, but I'm glad to have something to do everyday. I know it will be good for me, and I think it will be good for the kids too. We've sat around this house in our pajamas for exactly 10 months now....only getting out when absolutely necessary. Its time to get out and start living again. I can't continue to do this to the kids, its not fair to them. Its bad enough that they lost their daddy, but ultimately they lost their mother too. Because I haven't been the same since Joe died. I've been here physically, but emotionally and mentally I've been gone. I haven't been here for them like I need to be. It got so bad this summer that I wouldn't get out of the bed until almost noon everyday. Camryn would get up with Dylan in the morning and find them something for breakfast and make their milk. Then she would get them both dressed....even change Dylan's diaper. Then they would proceed to destroy the house, and get into everything imaginable. And when I would finally get up the energy to drag myself out of bed, Dylan would run up to me, give me a hug, and say "thank you for getting up mommy!"
So I know I'm going to be running in circles with everything I'm getting them involved in, and I know I really can't afford for them to do all these things, but ultimately I've decided its a small price to pay for giving us all something to look forward to everyday..... and for gaining our lives back.
Tomorrow night Dylan and Camryn both start AWANA at church. Dylan is super excited about that. Its the first year he's old enough to participate. All he talks about is getting to dress up like Camryn....because they have several "dress-up" nights through the year....clown night, silly slipper night, backwards night, Christmas costume night, etc. I'm excited too, but for totally different reasons.....it means I get one hour a week with just the baby to go grocery shopping! Doesn't seem like much to get excited about I know, but anyone that has three kids as young as mine would understand the headache it causes to take them all shopping.
So we're getting busy around here..... kindergarten, dance, AWANA, and soccer will be starting in a couple of weeks too. I know I'm going to be wore out, but I'm glad to have something to do everyday. I know it will be good for me, and I think it will be good for the kids too. We've sat around this house in our pajamas for exactly 10 months now....only getting out when absolutely necessary. Its time to get out and start living again. I can't continue to do this to the kids, its not fair to them. Its bad enough that they lost their daddy, but ultimately they lost their mother too. Because I haven't been the same since Joe died. I've been here physically, but emotionally and mentally I've been gone. I haven't been here for them like I need to be. It got so bad this summer that I wouldn't get out of the bed until almost noon everyday. Camryn would get up with Dylan in the morning and find them something for breakfast and make their milk. Then she would get them both dressed....even change Dylan's diaper. Then they would proceed to destroy the house, and get into everything imaginable. And when I would finally get up the energy to drag myself out of bed, Dylan would run up to me, give me a hug, and say "thank you for getting up mommy!"
So I know I'm going to be running in circles with everything I'm getting them involved in, and I know I really can't afford for them to do all these things, but ultimately I've decided its a small price to pay for giving us all something to look forward to everyday..... and for gaining our lives back.
August 27, 2007
I'm wanting my husband very badly right now. I want him to tell Camryn Happy Birthday and play with her at her party at Kiddie Mias. I want him to teach Dylan how to potty standing up. I want him to hold his new baby and see her double-chinned smile. I want him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be OK. I just want him here with me. I want to feel his arms around me.
When Joe was here, no matter how bad things got I always felt safe with him by my side. Now its just me..... alone with 3 kids. I've never felt so alone in my life.
When Joe was here, no matter how bad things got I always felt safe with him by my side. Now its just me..... alone with 3 kids. I've never felt so alone in my life.
August 26, 2007
Yesterday when I got home I had an interesting message on my machine. It was Joe's dad accusing me of taking something from Joe's grave. I could not believe my ears. I've only been to the cemetery one time since Courtlyn was born. It was back in June when I cleared off all the pink flowers we had set out for Courtlyn's birth, and I replaced them with roses for our upcoming anniversary. I put out a dozen roses.....red, with 7 of them being white....for the seven years we were married. That's what Joe sent me on our anniversary every year...red roses with a white one for every year. Other than that I haven't been back. We used to go once a week, but its so far away and now with the baby its just too hard with the 3 of them. So I was shocked to hear his message. I had no idea what he was talking about. I was shaking I was so pissed off and upset. I called my parents and they called him. Of course when confronted he said he didn't mean to accuse me, he was just upset....what the hell? So today I took Camryn and Dylan to Sunday school and Courtlyn and I went to the cemetery. And guess what? Someone had taken my anniversary roses and replaced them themselves. Well, isn't that ironic. If he wants to get shitty with me, couldn't I do the same? Afterall, I am the one who paid $2,000 for Joe's grave marker. I guess it could technically be considered stealing my flowers right? Oh, but wait that's right most people think Joe's dad paid for the marker....because he went to all of Joe's friends and told them that he wanted to pay for it. But let's set the record straight here, he NEVER made that offer to me.
I recently was told that now he's telling people he wants to help me out financially and pay for Camryn's school clothes. Naturally people would assume that he's making me that offer to me, but the truth is he has not and will not. Sure, it makes people think he's trying to do so much. But now its here for the world to read. Joe's family is more than welcome to put money in the memorial fund or send me a check, but they haven't. And that's OK with me, but don't go around giving everyone the impression that you're helping.
There is so much that has happened that I have kept quiet about for the past 10 months. Joe's friends approach me about his dad and give me a sob story and I just sit there and take it, but there's so much they don't know. Like the fact that Joe's dad told someone a few days after he died "please don't let that girl get rid of his stuff", or that as I got out of the limo for Joe's burial he approached me as I was walking to my husband's casket and asked me when they could get some of the plants that were sent, because some of them were sent specifically to them. Or what about the fact that a week after Joe died his mom told me that she was holding up pretty well, but that if it had been her daughter it would be a different story, she would be much more upset. Or that on Christmas when I had them over, Joe's dad stood in the shop crying and said that he just had to be around Joe's stuff in the shop, and that all that stuff was Joe's life (hello... his family was his life....not his stuff) Or that he told me all his plans were ruined now that Joe died. What? Your plans? My kids and I are the ones whose lives revolved around him....we're the ones whose plans and dreams will never be seen. These stories go on and on, and I've only shared them with a couple of people but I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being portrayed as the bad person here. I'm just trying to survive and raise three babies. I've never said anything hurtful or hateful to Joe's family other than in my own defense. I'm tired of all this, its wearing me out. I want to live my life without someone going behind my back telling people a sob story about me and my kids. Or being accused of having nothing better to do than take items from a grave. I don't need the drama. I need to find peace, and sometimes I think the only way that will ever happen is to be alone, with just my kids and a lot of prayers.
I recently was told that now he's telling people he wants to help me out financially and pay for Camryn's school clothes. Naturally people would assume that he's making me that offer to me, but the truth is he has not and will not. Sure, it makes people think he's trying to do so much. But now its here for the world to read. Joe's family is more than welcome to put money in the memorial fund or send me a check, but they haven't. And that's OK with me, but don't go around giving everyone the impression that you're helping.
There is so much that has happened that I have kept quiet about for the past 10 months. Joe's friends approach me about his dad and give me a sob story and I just sit there and take it, but there's so much they don't know. Like the fact that Joe's dad told someone a few days after he died "please don't let that girl get rid of his stuff", or that as I got out of the limo for Joe's burial he approached me as I was walking to my husband's casket and asked me when they could get some of the plants that were sent, because some of them were sent specifically to them. Or what about the fact that a week after Joe died his mom told me that she was holding up pretty well, but that if it had been her daughter it would be a different story, she would be much more upset. Or that on Christmas when I had them over, Joe's dad stood in the shop crying and said that he just had to be around Joe's stuff in the shop, and that all that stuff was Joe's life (hello... his family was his life....not his stuff) Or that he told me all his plans were ruined now that Joe died. What? Your plans? My kids and I are the ones whose lives revolved around him....we're the ones whose plans and dreams will never be seen. These stories go on and on, and I've only shared them with a couple of people but I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being portrayed as the bad person here. I'm just trying to survive and raise three babies. I've never said anything hurtful or hateful to Joe's family other than in my own defense. I'm tired of all this, its wearing me out. I want to live my life without someone going behind my back telling people a sob story about me and my kids. Or being accused of having nothing better to do than take items from a grave. I don't need the drama. I need to find peace, and sometimes I think the only way that will ever happen is to be alone, with just my kids and a lot of prayers.
August 23, 2007
Its been while since I've read any of the books I ordered right after Joe died, but tonight I pulled one out....
What did I do?
How did I get here?
I don't remember a trial.
Still less do I remember pleading guilty.
Yet here I am.
Serving a life sentence in this prison of grief.
I demand to see a lawyer.
Don't I get at least one phone call?
And let it be to my husband.
If he were here,
He could get me out of this place.
Don't I have the right of appeal?
What happened to my constitutional rights?
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?
Do I get credit for good behavior?
What are the possibilities for parole?
One day I was jsut an ordinary person,
Living an ordinary life.
A happy, ordinary life.
The next day, here I am.
I don't belong here, I tell you.
There must be some mistake.
Well, listen to me, Your Honor.
And don't hold me in contempt.
Don't think I'm going to take this quietly.
I'm not. I can't
The work assignments are getting to me.
So much to do without him.
So different from doing things with him.
From the outside it may not look like a prison,
From the outside it looks like everywhere else.
No barbed-wire topped walls.
No guard towers to prevent escape.
They aren't needed. The walls stretch.
When you move, they move,
Always keeping you inside.
Sometimes even from the inside you get confused.
And hurl yourself blindly against the walls,
But the walls stand.
As for the inmates, you meet the nicest people.
Including your family. Your friends.
And there are the prison visitors who come to help hold your pain.
But its still a prison.
Hello, out there....
Is anyone listening?
What did I do?
How did I get here?
I don't remember a trial.
Still less do I remember pleading guilty.
Yet here I am.
Serving a life sentence in this prison of grief.
I demand to see a lawyer.
Don't I get at least one phone call?
And let it be to my husband.
If he were here,
He could get me out of this place.
Don't I have the right of appeal?
What happened to my constitutional rights?
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?
Do I get credit for good behavior?
What are the possibilities for parole?
One day I was jsut an ordinary person,
Living an ordinary life.
A happy, ordinary life.
The next day, here I am.
I don't belong here, I tell you.
There must be some mistake.
Well, listen to me, Your Honor.
And don't hold me in contempt.
Don't think I'm going to take this quietly.
I'm not. I can't
The work assignments are getting to me.
So much to do without him.
So different from doing things with him.
From the outside it may not look like a prison,
From the outside it looks like everywhere else.
No barbed-wire topped walls.
No guard towers to prevent escape.
They aren't needed. The walls stretch.
When you move, they move,
Always keeping you inside.
Sometimes even from the inside you get confused.
And hurl yourself blindly against the walls,
But the walls stand.
As for the inmates, you meet the nicest people.
Including your family. Your friends.
And there are the prison visitors who come to help hold your pain.
But its still a prison.
Hello, out there....
Is anyone listening?
Friday, November 6, 2009
August 22, 2007
At church Sunday I was introduced to a 36 year old lady whose husband died last month. We sat in the church during Sunday school while the band was rehearsing, and just talked. It was really awkward at first because of the reason we were introduced. This was the first time she had been back at church since her husband died and everyone thought she needed to meet me. Nice thought, but honestly its pretty depressing to be the one thought about when someone's husband dies. I would much rather not be that person.
When I was talking to her I kept thinking how well she has everything together and that she seems to be doing so much better than me, but I was thinking about it later and realized that her husband only died about 6 weeks ago. And I looked back at how I was 6 weeks after Joe died....I was still in shock and denial. And I think she is too. She hasn't gone through all the milestones that I have....Christmas, anniversaries, etc. So now I don't think she's necessarily doing better than me, we're just at different stages.
Her husband died of cancer, that he had been diagnosed with only 6 months earlier. So our situations are different, but we did have a lot in common. She has three children....a 11 year old, 7 year old, and 4 year old. We talked about our kids and how they're handling everything, how we react to our kids, our husbands' parents, things that piss us off, the things we would do different if our husbands were here now, and how we have no choice but to continue to live life because we both have 3 children depending on us to get them through this.
It was nice to finally talk to someone that I could relate to....someone who actually understands what I'm going through and how I feel. It was the first time in 10 months that I felt I could say anything and wouldn't be judged. She understood exactly how I felt and I understood the things she's going through as well.
This in not a club I want to join....the widows, but the fact is I am a 32 year old widow. Its been almost a year now since Joe's been here. Almost a year since I've heard his voice, seen his face, or felt his touch. I guess its time I admitted this to myself, and at least begin trying to heal.
When I was talking to her I kept thinking how well she has everything together and that she seems to be doing so much better than me, but I was thinking about it later and realized that her husband only died about 6 weeks ago. And I looked back at how I was 6 weeks after Joe died....I was still in shock and denial. And I think she is too. She hasn't gone through all the milestones that I have....Christmas, anniversaries, etc. So now I don't think she's necessarily doing better than me, we're just at different stages.
Her husband died of cancer, that he had been diagnosed with only 6 months earlier. So our situations are different, but we did have a lot in common. She has three children....a 11 year old, 7 year old, and 4 year old. We talked about our kids and how they're handling everything, how we react to our kids, our husbands' parents, things that piss us off, the things we would do different if our husbands were here now, and how we have no choice but to continue to live life because we both have 3 children depending on us to get them through this.
It was nice to finally talk to someone that I could relate to....someone who actually understands what I'm going through and how I feel. It was the first time in 10 months that I felt I could say anything and wouldn't be judged. She understood exactly how I felt and I understood the things she's going through as well.
This in not a club I want to join....the widows, but the fact is I am a 32 year old widow. Its been almost a year now since Joe's been here. Almost a year since I've heard his voice, seen his face, or felt his touch. I guess its time I admitted this to myself, and at least begin trying to heal.
August 15, 2007
Its 11:30 and I'm trying to wind down and go to bed. I haven't been to bed this early since before Joe died. I know I have to tonight though...tomorrow is Camryn's first real day of kindergarten, and I can not be late! One minor problem though. I don't know how to use the alarm clock. I haven't used one in at least 5 years. Joe was my alarm clock. He would set his and then wake me up because the alarm didn't wake me up. I used to at least have one on my side of the bed even though I didn't use it, but when we moved to this house I got rid of it. There was no point. So now I have to figure out how to use his, and pray that it wakes me up. You would think that I don't need one since I have a 3 month old living, breathing alarm clock. But she failed to work Tuesday morning, so I'm thinking I can't really rely on her.
I do at least have everything ready for the morning though. Their breakfast is set out, school supplies labeled and bagged up in the car, backpack ready to go with birthday invitations and one frilly pencil cup inside, forms filled out and ready to give the teacher, and a bag of crap to give her teacher for the class treasure chest. When her teacher made this request she had no idea who she was talking to. My kids have more crap than any child I know, and I've been looking for someone to pawn it off on. By the end of the year my house should be completely cleaned out! Of course, as good as Camryn is, I'm sure she'll get to pick something out every single Friday of the year, and she'll just bring it all right back home. That should be some encouragement to behave at school. "Be good and you get to pick out a toy that already belongs to you" She is going to be so pissed off at me!
I do at least have everything ready for the morning though. Their breakfast is set out, school supplies labeled and bagged up in the car, backpack ready to go with birthday invitations and one frilly pencil cup inside, forms filled out and ready to give the teacher, and a bag of crap to give her teacher for the class treasure chest. When her teacher made this request she had no idea who she was talking to. My kids have more crap than any child I know, and I've been looking for someone to pawn it off on. By the end of the year my house should be completely cleaned out! Of course, as good as Camryn is, I'm sure she'll get to pick something out every single Friday of the year, and she'll just bring it all right back home. That should be some encouragement to behave at school. "Be good and you get to pick out a toy that already belongs to you" She is going to be so pissed off at me!
August 14, 2007
Today was my baby's first day of kindergarten. It was only an hour long orientation, but she still had to wear her uniform, so I guess it counts as the first day. We were supposed to be there at 8am. I thought I went to bed early enough....it was 1:45am.....earlier than usual. But I slept until 7:55 this morning, 5 minutes until we were supposed to be there! I got all 4 of us ready and made the 20 minute drive, and we got there at 8:30. I was pretty impressed actually, but when we got there her teacher was already finished with everything and people were leaving. But we did get to meet her, and Camryn got to see her best friend from preschool. They were both so excited to be in the same class again!
Then we headed to Walmart to buy the supplies needed to make and decorate a pencil cup (one of the many kindergarten requirements). This child has the frilliest pecil cup I've ever seen! She painted it with pink glitter glue, put princess stickers on it, glued jewels all around the stickers, and the top is adorned with pink and white feathers! So I guess she's now officially ready for the first real day on Thursday.....she's all psyched up, but who wouldn't be with a pencil holder like that?
Then we headed to Walmart to buy the supplies needed to make and decorate a pencil cup (one of the many kindergarten requirements). This child has the frilliest pecil cup I've ever seen! She painted it with pink glitter glue, put princess stickers on it, glued jewels all around the stickers, and the top is adorned with pink and white feathers! So I guess she's now officially ready for the first real day on Thursday.....she's all psyched up, but who wouldn't be with a pencil holder like that?
August 12, 2007
Tonight was a hard one for Camryn. After I put them to bed she kept coming out, and I just kept sending her back. Finally she came out crying saying that she couldn't sleep because of daddy. We haven't really talked about it much lately so I don't know what brought it about but she was crying hysterically.
We sat in her bed for a while and talked about it and she told me she wanted to take the picture of her and him out of her picture frame because it makes her too sad to look at it. I told her I would, but she ended up changing her mind when I told her that sometimes its good to look at pictures so we can remember the fun times with him.
She told me that it makes her sad that we're not a family anymore. I told her we were still a family, but she said that without him we're not. I tried to explain to her that the four of us are a family, we're just a different kind of family. And I told her that there are other kids that only have one parent, and kids that don't live with both parents. She seemed better knowing that. I don't know if something was said at church today about families, but something made her think that she didn't have a family. After we talked she asked me for a tissue, told me thank you, and went right to sleep.
I dread her going to school and seeing other dads, and hearing stories about daddies, etc. Its already hard enough at home. I've gotten rid of all of our books about dads and in a lot of books that I read to them I omit the word dad, or change it to mom. But once she goes out in the real world I won't be able to protect her anymore.
We sat in her bed for a while and talked about it and she told me she wanted to take the picture of her and him out of her picture frame because it makes her too sad to look at it. I told her I would, but she ended up changing her mind when I told her that sometimes its good to look at pictures so we can remember the fun times with him.
She told me that it makes her sad that we're not a family anymore. I told her we were still a family, but she said that without him we're not. I tried to explain to her that the four of us are a family, we're just a different kind of family. And I told her that there are other kids that only have one parent, and kids that don't live with both parents. She seemed better knowing that. I don't know if something was said at church today about families, but something made her think that she didn't have a family. After we talked she asked me for a tissue, told me thank you, and went right to sleep.
I dread her going to school and seeing other dads, and hearing stories about daddies, etc. Its already hard enough at home. I've gotten rid of all of our books about dads and in a lot of books that I read to them I omit the word dad, or change it to mom. But once she goes out in the real world I won't be able to protect her anymore.
August 10, 2007
This afternoon I went into the hall closet and pulled out a 5 foot piece of paper, set it in the middle of the kitchen floor, and set 10 jars of finger paint in the middle of it. I told the kids to have fun and I went in the living room to feed Courtlyn. I laughed at the thought of what Joe would have said. I could just hear his voice in my head "Tracy, what the hell were you thinking?"
But I did it and the kids had a blast! They used almost every drop of paint, but by the end of it they were painting their bodies green and running in the living room pretending to be Shrek I sent them to my bathroom to try and get cleaned up, but they weren't too successful so I had to give them a bath. However, they did succeed at making my bathroom look like a rainbow exploded in there. There was wet paint in the sinks, on the counter tops, running down the cabinets, on the door, on my towels, and on my white rug. And the kitchen floor? Its amazing that they even had enough paint to paint the paper....the floor was covered. But I left it all alone, and figured I'd clean it up tonight. I was still laughing to myself about what Joe would think.
We hung their masterpiece on the door leading to the playroom and they were beside themselves with excitement and pride, so being the mom that I am, I thought who cares about the mess....look how happy they are.
So tonight after they went to bed I started tackling the cleanup, while also trying to keep Courtlyn occupied and happy. And thats the moment I thought "what the hell was I thinking?" I wasn't laughing anymore. But I have a feeling I know someone who was....and I felt a strong sense of someone telling me "I told you so!"
Damn it, he's not even here anymore and he's still right!
But I did it and the kids had a blast! They used almost every drop of paint, but by the end of it they were painting their bodies green and running in the living room pretending to be Shrek I sent them to my bathroom to try and get cleaned up, but they weren't too successful so I had to give them a bath. However, they did succeed at making my bathroom look like a rainbow exploded in there. There was wet paint in the sinks, on the counter tops, running down the cabinets, on the door, on my towels, and on my white rug. And the kitchen floor? Its amazing that they even had enough paint to paint the paper....the floor was covered. But I left it all alone, and figured I'd clean it up tonight. I was still laughing to myself about what Joe would think.
We hung their masterpiece on the door leading to the playroom and they were beside themselves with excitement and pride, so being the mom that I am, I thought who cares about the mess....look how happy they are.
So tonight after they went to bed I started tackling the cleanup, while also trying to keep Courtlyn occupied and happy. And thats the moment I thought "what the hell was I thinking?" I wasn't laughing anymore. But I have a feeling I know someone who was....and I felt a strong sense of someone telling me "I told you so!"
Damn it, he's not even here anymore and he's still right!
August 7, 2007
Tonight Camryn, Dylan, and I were reading from one of their Bibles before bed.
"Stop telling people about Jesus!" the soldiers said to Peter. But Peter wouldn't stop. So the soldiers put Peter in jail and chained him to two soldiers. But that night and angel came and told Petere, "Come with me!" Peter's chains fell off, and the prison doors opened. Peter was free! ACTS 12
So, then I asked Camryn "How did Peter get out of jail?".....her response? "Magic. Its kinda like Tinkerbell! Hey Dylan, when I grow up I want to be TINKERBELLE!!"
"ME TOO!!" yelled Dylan
How does Tinkerbelle relate to a Bible story? I have no idea. And I'm pretty sure the moral of the story was not intended to make little girls want to grow up to be fairytale characters! And especially not to influence little boys in wanting to be Tinkerbelle!
"Stop telling people about Jesus!" the soldiers said to Peter. But Peter wouldn't stop. So the soldiers put Peter in jail and chained him to two soldiers. But that night and angel came and told Petere, "Come with me!" Peter's chains fell off, and the prison doors opened. Peter was free! ACTS 12
So, then I asked Camryn "How did Peter get out of jail?".....her response? "Magic. Its kinda like Tinkerbell! Hey Dylan, when I grow up I want to be TINKERBELLE!!"
"ME TOO!!" yelled Dylan
How does Tinkerbelle relate to a Bible story? I have no idea. And I'm pretty sure the moral of the story was not intended to make little girls want to grow up to be fairytale characters! And especially not to influence little boys in wanting to be Tinkerbelle!
August 4, 2007
I received soemthing completely unexpected in the mail this week, and though it may seem like nothing to most people, it meant a lot to me. Someone sent me a $200 Walmart gift card. There was no note, no name. Which also meant there were no expectations and no judgements. Actually, I do know who it came from. I could tell from the business envelope it came in. And its from someone who didn't even know Joe, and hardly knows me. Someone with absolutely no ties to us. Someone who genuinely cares about my kids and me. Someone who knows how hard it is to raise three children on a social security check. No, its not much to most people. But it paid for formula and diapers this month.
I received things like this in the mail often after Joe first passed away, but its been at least 6 months since anyone has offered any help. In the beginning I think people did it out of obligation to Joe, not me. But in the time that has passed their sense of obligation has faded. So it completely shocked me to receive this in the mail.
Another recent blessing has been from our church, Calvary Baptist. I wanted Camryn to attend school there, but had no idea how I was going to pay for it. But I recently received a letter stating that there are anonymous church members who have donated money to pay for Camryn's kindergarten tuition.
It amazes me that there are people in the world who still care. The tragedy we have faced has opened my eyes in a whole new way. Its so easy for me to see people for their true colors now. Its easy for me to tell genuine people for the people who just do things for recognition. Never again will I be fooled by people who don't really care. There are a lot of people that cared about Joe, but when it comes right down to it, aren't really concerned about me or these kids. And as far as I'm concerned we're better off without them.
There are people who care about us, and those are the people I'm thankful for. They are truly a blessing, and my kids will grow up knowing about the awesome things they did.
I received things like this in the mail often after Joe first passed away, but its been at least 6 months since anyone has offered any help. In the beginning I think people did it out of obligation to Joe, not me. But in the time that has passed their sense of obligation has faded. So it completely shocked me to receive this in the mail.
Another recent blessing has been from our church, Calvary Baptist. I wanted Camryn to attend school there, but had no idea how I was going to pay for it. But I recently received a letter stating that there are anonymous church members who have donated money to pay for Camryn's kindergarten tuition.
It amazes me that there are people in the world who still care. The tragedy we have faced has opened my eyes in a whole new way. Its so easy for me to see people for their true colors now. Its easy for me to tell genuine people for the people who just do things for recognition. Never again will I be fooled by people who don't really care. There are a lot of people that cared about Joe, but when it comes right down to it, aren't really concerned about me or these kids. And as far as I'm concerned we're better off without them.
There are people who care about us, and those are the people I'm thankful for. They are truly a blessing, and my kids will grow up knowing about the awesome things they did.
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