August 26, 2007

Yesterday when I got home I had an interesting message on my machine. It was Joe's dad accusing me of taking something from Joe's grave. I could not believe my ears. I've only been to the cemetery one time since Courtlyn was born. It was back in June when I cleared off all the pink flowers we had set out for Courtlyn's birth, and I replaced them with roses for our upcoming anniversary. I put out a dozen roses.....red, with 7 of them being white....for the seven years we were married. That's what Joe sent me on our anniversary every year...red roses with a white one for every year. Other than that I haven't been back. We used to go once a week, but its so far away and now with the baby its just too hard with the 3 of them. So I was shocked to hear his message. I had no idea what he was talking about. I was shaking I was so pissed off and upset. I called my parents and they called him. Of course when confronted he said he didn't mean to accuse me, he was just upset....what the hell? So today I took Camryn and Dylan to Sunday school and Courtlyn and I went to the cemetery. And guess what? Someone had taken my anniversary roses and replaced them themselves. Well, isn't that ironic. If he wants to get shitty with me, couldn't I do the same? Afterall, I am the one who paid $2,000 for Joe's grave marker. I guess it could technically be considered stealing my flowers right? Oh, but wait that's right most people think Joe's dad paid for the marker....because he went to all of Joe's friends and told them that he wanted to pay for it. But let's set the record straight here, he NEVER made that offer to me.

I recently was told that now he's telling people he wants to help me out financially and pay for Camryn's school clothes. Naturally people would assume that he's making me that offer to me, but the truth is he has not and will not. Sure, it makes people think he's trying to do so much. But now its here for the world to read. Joe's family is more than welcome to put money in the memorial fund or send me a check, but they haven't. And that's OK with me, but don't go around giving everyone the impression that you're helping.

There is so much that has happened that I have kept quiet about for the past 10 months. Joe's friends approach me about his dad and give me a sob story and I just sit there and take it, but there's so much they don't know. Like the fact that Joe's dad told someone a few days after he died "please don't let that girl get rid of his stuff", or that as I got out of the limo for Joe's burial he approached me as I was walking to my husband's casket and asked me when they could get some of the plants that were sent, because some of them were sent specifically to them. Or what about the fact that a week after Joe died his mom told me that she was holding up pretty well, but that if it had been her daughter it would be a different story, she would be much more upset. Or that on Christmas when I had them over, Joe's dad stood in the shop crying and said that he just had to be around Joe's stuff in the shop, and that all that stuff was Joe's life (hello... his family was his life....not his stuff) Or that he told me all his plans were ruined now that Joe died. What? Your plans? My kids and I are the ones whose lives revolved around him....we're the ones whose plans and dreams will never be seen. These stories go on and on, and I've only shared them with a couple of people but I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of being portrayed as the bad person here. I'm just trying to survive and raise three babies. I've never said anything hurtful or hateful to Joe's family other than in my own defense. I'm tired of all this, its wearing me out. I want to live my life without someone going behind my back telling people a sob story about me and my kids. Or being accused of having nothing better to do than take items from a grave. I don't need the drama. I need to find peace, and sometimes I think the only way that will ever happen is to be alone, with just my kids and a lot of prayers.