August 22, 2007

At church Sunday I was introduced to a 36 year old lady whose husband died last month. We sat in the church during Sunday school while the band was rehearsing, and just talked. It was really awkward at first because of the reason we were introduced. This was the first time she had been back at church since her husband died and everyone thought she needed to meet me. Nice thought, but honestly its pretty depressing to be the one thought about when someone's husband dies. I would much rather not be that person.

When I was talking to her I kept thinking how well she has everything together and that she seems to be doing so much better than me, but I was thinking about it later and realized that her husband only died about 6 weeks ago. And I looked back at how I was 6 weeks after Joe died....I was still in shock and denial. And I think she is too. She hasn't gone through all the milestones that I have....Christmas, anniversaries, etc. So now I don't think she's necessarily doing better than me, we're just at different stages.

Her husband died of cancer, that he had been diagnosed with only 6 months earlier. So our situations are different, but we did have a lot in common. She has three children....a 11 year old, 7 year old, and 4 year old. We talked about our kids and how they're handling everything, how we react to our kids, our husbands' parents, things that piss us off, the things we would do different if our husbands were here now, and how we have no choice but to continue to live life because we both have 3 children depending on us to get them through this.

It was nice to finally talk to someone that I could relate to....someone who actually understands what I'm going through and how I feel. It was the first time in 10 months that I felt I could say anything and wouldn't be judged. She understood exactly how I felt and I understood the things she's going through as well.

This in not a club I want to join....the widows, but the fact is I am a 32 year old widow. Its been almost a year now since Joe's been here. Almost a year since I've heard his voice, seen his face, or felt his touch. I guess its time I admitted this to myself, and at least begin trying to heal.