Today was te worst day I've had in months. It started out OK...took Camryn back to the doctor for a follow up on her spider bite. Went to the grocery store and got her another prescription. Came home, fed the kids, put Dylan down for a nap.
But it went downhill from there. At 4:00 I turned on a movie for the kids and I felt truly exhausted. So I laid down and took a very short nap with Courtlyn. I was repeatedly disturbed by the kids fighting though, and by Camryn telling me I was lazy. Eventually the kids were fighting so bad that I had no choice but to get up and I lost it....screaming at everyone, and Dylan ending up getting spanked. Then I sat in the bed to feed Courtlyn and cried because I knew that yes, they were fighting, but they didn't deserve me to react the way I did. I just sat there in a daze for a while thinking about Joe. And how much I wish he would walk through the door, and give me something to look forward to. I got up and fed the kids leftover pizza for dinner and put them in the bath. At that point I had another meltdown when Dylan purposely poured a bowl of water onto the bathroom floor. By this point Courtlyn was screaming...I'm sure it was brought about by my yelling and Dylan's crying. So after their bath I sat in the rocking chair trying to console her. Camryn took control of the situation as usual and got Dylan to help her clean the whole house. She put away every toy and even cleaned up the kitchen counters, while I sat in the chair crying with Courtlyn. At bedtime I let them both get in my bed and I laid with them for a while and told them how sorry I was fo rhaving such a bad day. I told them I was just really missing daddy and that I would try to do better tomorrow.
I really haven't had any moments like this since Courtlyn was born. But I think its only because I've been so busy that I hardly have time to think. But today was apparently my breaking point.
I'm just so pissed off at the world right now. I'm angry that Joe's gone, I'm angry at the guy who killed him, I'm angry that I didn't have more time with him, I'm angry that my kids are slowly forgetting him, I'm angry at Joe for leaving me in this situation, and I'm angry at the rest of the world for going on with their lives, while mine is stuck right here without him.
Everyday is exactly the same. Every hour is the same. Every minute is the same. I have nothing to break up the monotony of my day. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing. I chase after these 3 kids 24 hours a day. Joe has been gone for 279 days. I have at LEAST 6,570 days left of taking care of kids, by myself. No one to vent to after the kids have gone to bed, no one to share my concerns with, no one to sit and laugh with, no one to pass the kids off to if I want to take a 5 minute break. No one. Sure, I could call a friend or family. But its not the same. Its not Joe.
Friday, October 16, 2009
August 1, 2007
Dylan has a black eye. Its his second one. His first one was when he was 14 months old and ran across the room, straight into a table, knocking it over onto himself. This time I was in the recliner feeding Courtlyn and he decided he needed in my lap too. Not a problem. Except he thought he also needed to bring 2 books and his juice along with him. So as he tried to climb up he was wobbling on my knee and fell to the floor....hitting his eye on a ride-on fire truck.
Then this morning Camryn comes out with a red mark on her upper arm. She said it was a rash and I didn't really feel a bite, so I put some cortizone cream on it and never looked at it again. Well she just woke up in the middle of the night complaining that it hurt and when I looked at it I couldn't believe it. Its spread all over her arm and is warm to the touch. So I put more medicine on it, but I have a feeling that we'll be heading to the doctor tomorrow. It looks exactly like Dylan's leg did last year when he was bit by a spider.
So its going to be a full day for us. First we head to the dentist for Camryn's checkup. Then to the consinement to drop off all of Dylan's winter clothes from last year. Then probably to the doctor. And I promised the kids I'd take them to McDonalds to play in the PlayLand. They are super excited about that because we haven't been in about a year. The last time we went Dylan was about 18 months old and not supposed to be climbing in the slides. Somehow he managed to though. Next thing I know Camryn and another little girl come out saying that Dylan is in the very top and he stinks. I stood at the bottom calling his name and he wouldn't come down. He just looked down at me from the very highest window. After several minutes I started freaking out because there were some really big kids in there so I had to climb through those nasty tunnels to find him and slide out with him. I swore at that moment that we would not go back until he was old enough to get out by himself. I think he'll be OK this time, but we'll see. I know one thing for sure, I will NOT be climbing my fat ass up there to get him. I'll call the damn fire department before I go in those nasty things again. Hell, if they rescue cats from trees surely they'll rescue my son from the McDonalds slide.
Then this morning Camryn comes out with a red mark on her upper arm. She said it was a rash and I didn't really feel a bite, so I put some cortizone cream on it and never looked at it again. Well she just woke up in the middle of the night complaining that it hurt and when I looked at it I couldn't believe it. Its spread all over her arm and is warm to the touch. So I put more medicine on it, but I have a feeling that we'll be heading to the doctor tomorrow. It looks exactly like Dylan's leg did last year when he was bit by a spider.
So its going to be a full day for us. First we head to the dentist for Camryn's checkup. Then to the consinement to drop off all of Dylan's winter clothes from last year. Then probably to the doctor. And I promised the kids I'd take them to McDonalds to play in the PlayLand. They are super excited about that because we haven't been in about a year. The last time we went Dylan was about 18 months old and not supposed to be climbing in the slides. Somehow he managed to though. Next thing I know Camryn and another little girl come out saying that Dylan is in the very top and he stinks. I stood at the bottom calling his name and he wouldn't come down. He just looked down at me from the very highest window. After several minutes I started freaking out because there were some really big kids in there so I had to climb through those nasty tunnels to find him and slide out with him. I swore at that moment that we would not go back until he was old enough to get out by himself. I think he'll be OK this time, but we'll see. I know one thing for sure, I will NOT be climbing my fat ass up there to get him. I'll call the damn fire department before I go in those nasty things again. Hell, if they rescue cats from trees surely they'll rescue my son from the McDonalds slide.
July 31, 2007
This is the statement I sent to the city of Tyler, Texas. This is the statement that will be used in court when the ass that hit Joe finally has his trial....
On October 27, 2006 my husband left for work, just like any other day. I stayed home with our 4 year old and 22 month old children and anticipated the week ahead. I took the kids to the pumpkin patch so they could carve pumpkins with daddy the next day, and we had plans to attend our daughter's soccer awards program. The upcoming week would also involve the Halloween Fall Festival at church and all of us attending Disney on Ice. It was going to be a week full of activities we would do together as a family.
I talked to my husband several times while he was at work that day, making all the plans for the week. We also talked about the ultrasound we had the day before, revealing that our third child was due on June 4, 2007. I was eight weeks pregnant and we were thrilled.
This is just a snapshot of how are lives were. Our lives completely revolved around our family. We did everything together, and family was our main focus. A year earlier I had quit my teaching job to stay at home with the kids. And now that we were expecting our third child we were making plans to build a new house in a new school district. My husband had made all of this possible by working extremely hard at his business, which he had started only 15 months earlier.
In an instant all of this changed. At 7:45 pm, on October 27, I received a phone call telling me that my husband died in a car accident. I was told this as my two young children stood by my side. At that moment life as we knew it changed.
I will no longer be able to stay at home with my children, something that Joe and I felt to be very important in our children's live. I will now have to find a job and send my kids to daycare in order to support my children for the next twenty years. I realize that a lot of kids go to daycare and are just fine, but this was not our wish for our children. This was not our choice, this decision was forced upon me.
We will also not be moving into the house we dreamed of. Instead, I will stay where I am, in a three-bedroom house; or I will be forced to buy an even smaller, less expensive one.
We were a family that did everything together and now an integral part of our family is missing. My children are so young that they will probably not remember their dad for much longer. And the child that I'm carrying now will never even have the chance to meet him. They will never know what a great man their dad was, or how much he sacrificed for them.
They went from having a mom and dad who's life revolved around them, to being left alone with a mother who is depressed, alone, and can barely function well enough to take care of them. I can't even imagine how it will affect their lives. Everything Joe and I had envisioned for them is gone.
I am a thirty-two year old widow, and will be raising three children alone. It is a nightmare! It's been five months since Joe was killed, and I still haven't received any insurance money from Mr. McFadden. I am trying to support my family, pay off business debt, pay for legal fees, etc. all with the little amount I receive from social security.
My children and I are all in counseling. It gives us someone to talk to, but it doesn't make anything better. My four-year old daughter still lies in bed crying for her daddy every night. And my two-year old son still wanders through the house looking for him.
As for my own loss, I'm depressed, angry, confused, and lonely. But overall my main concern is for my children. I will never be able to make up for the tragic loss they've experienced. No matter what I do, life will never be the same for them. A negligent driver ripped their daddy from their lives, and I don't think any of us will ever fully recover.
On October 27, 2006 my husband left for work, just like any other day. I stayed home with our 4 year old and 22 month old children and anticipated the week ahead. I took the kids to the pumpkin patch so they could carve pumpkins with daddy the next day, and we had plans to attend our daughter's soccer awards program. The upcoming week would also involve the Halloween Fall Festival at church and all of us attending Disney on Ice. It was going to be a week full of activities we would do together as a family.
I talked to my husband several times while he was at work that day, making all the plans for the week. We also talked about the ultrasound we had the day before, revealing that our third child was due on June 4, 2007. I was eight weeks pregnant and we were thrilled.
This is just a snapshot of how are lives were. Our lives completely revolved around our family. We did everything together, and family was our main focus. A year earlier I had quit my teaching job to stay at home with the kids. And now that we were expecting our third child we were making plans to build a new house in a new school district. My husband had made all of this possible by working extremely hard at his business, which he had started only 15 months earlier.
In an instant all of this changed. At 7:45 pm, on October 27, I received a phone call telling me that my husband died in a car accident. I was told this as my two young children stood by my side. At that moment life as we knew it changed.
I will no longer be able to stay at home with my children, something that Joe and I felt to be very important in our children's live. I will now have to find a job and send my kids to daycare in order to support my children for the next twenty years. I realize that a lot of kids go to daycare and are just fine, but this was not our wish for our children. This was not our choice, this decision was forced upon me.
We will also not be moving into the house we dreamed of. Instead, I will stay where I am, in a three-bedroom house; or I will be forced to buy an even smaller, less expensive one.
We were a family that did everything together and now an integral part of our family is missing. My children are so young that they will probably not remember their dad for much longer. And the child that I'm carrying now will never even have the chance to meet him. They will never know what a great man their dad was, or how much he sacrificed for them.
They went from having a mom and dad who's life revolved around them, to being left alone with a mother who is depressed, alone, and can barely function well enough to take care of them. I can't even imagine how it will affect their lives. Everything Joe and I had envisioned for them is gone.
I am a thirty-two year old widow, and will be raising three children alone. It is a nightmare! It's been five months since Joe was killed, and I still haven't received any insurance money from Mr. McFadden. I am trying to support my family, pay off business debt, pay for legal fees, etc. all with the little amount I receive from social security.
My children and I are all in counseling. It gives us someone to talk to, but it doesn't make anything better. My four-year old daughter still lies in bed crying for her daddy every night. And my two-year old son still wanders through the house looking for him.
As for my own loss, I'm depressed, angry, confused, and lonely. But overall my main concern is for my children. I will never be able to make up for the tragic loss they've experienced. No matter what I do, life will never be the same for them. A negligent driver ripped their daddy from their lives, and I don't think any of us will ever fully recover.
July 30, 2007
"Dear God, Daddy love me. Jesus love me. Daddy love me. Amen."
How heartbreaking is that?
How heartbreaking is that?
July 29, 2007
my "To Do" list
~buy school shoes
~register Camryn for dance class
~iron clothes to take to consinement shop
~Camryn's dentist appointment
~return clothes and diapers to Target
~complete tax forms for the thousands of dollars Joe owed the IRS
~sell truck
~sell motorcycle
~find a new house
~sell this house
~get new glasses (mine broke 6 months ago)
~get prescriptions filled
~meet with insurance agent
~pay bills (on a budget of social security alone)
~feed baby every 3 hours
~grocery store
~make bottles
~give the kids a bath
~give baby a bath
~potty train Dylan
~shop for Camryn's birthday
~make birth announcements
~change at least 10 diapers a day
~provide my kids 3 meals a day
~laundry
~clean house
~get oil changed in car
~get inspection sticker
~stop what I'm doing to hold a child, toddler, or baby every time someone is hurt or upset (at least once an hour)
~get my hair cut (its been 8 months now)
~finish cleaning out Joe's closet
~finally break down and do something with his dirty laundry
~sell all his other trailers, equipment, and parts
These are just the things I can think of off the top of my head. And somewhere in there I have to fit in time for myself to eat and shower.
And my kids cry and tell me I never play with them anymore. I wonder why?
So basically I don't feel that I have anything in common with anyone. My life right now can not be compared to anyone else that I know. So its very hard to hear people talk about normal, everyday things in their lives, because God how I wish my life was normal again.
~buy school shoes
~register Camryn for dance class
~iron clothes to take to consinement shop
~Camryn's dentist appointment
~return clothes and diapers to Target
~complete tax forms for the thousands of dollars Joe owed the IRS
~sell truck
~sell motorcycle
~find a new house
~sell this house
~get new glasses (mine broke 6 months ago)
~get prescriptions filled
~meet with insurance agent
~pay bills (on a budget of social security alone)
~feed baby every 3 hours
~grocery store
~make bottles
~give the kids a bath
~give baby a bath
~potty train Dylan
~shop for Camryn's birthday
~make birth announcements
~change at least 10 diapers a day
~provide my kids 3 meals a day
~laundry
~clean house
~get oil changed in car
~get inspection sticker
~stop what I'm doing to hold a child, toddler, or baby every time someone is hurt or upset (at least once an hour)
~get my hair cut (its been 8 months now)
~finish cleaning out Joe's closet
~finally break down and do something with his dirty laundry
~sell all his other trailers, equipment, and parts
These are just the things I can think of off the top of my head. And somewhere in there I have to fit in time for myself to eat and shower.
And my kids cry and tell me I never play with them anymore. I wonder why?
So basically I don't feel that I have anything in common with anyone. My life right now can not be compared to anyone else that I know. So its very hard to hear people talk about normal, everyday things in their lives, because God how I wish my life was normal again.
July 28, 2007
I just finished feeding Courtlyn her 1am bottle and soaking up her baby smell. I don't remember my other two smelling so sweet. I guess when Camryn was this small I was such a nervous wreck that I didn't pay attention. And I swear Dylan never smelled like this....I think he was born already smelling like a boy. But Courtlyn better get used to me smelling the top of her head because I don't foresee stopping any time soon!
Not only is her scent addictive, but she is such a wonderful baby in every way. She hardly ever cries, she's perfectly happy just laying in the floor watching the ceiling fan, she doesn't need a pacifier (or her thumb), and to top it all off she already has the same adorable chubby cheeks that her brother and sister have.
"welcome, tiny angel, sent to bless us here on earth, we've felt the touch of heaven from the moment of your birth."
Not only is her scent addictive, but she is such a wonderful baby in every way. She hardly ever cries, she's perfectly happy just laying in the floor watching the ceiling fan, she doesn't need a pacifier (or her thumb), and to top it all off she already has the same adorable chubby cheeks that her brother and sister have.
"welcome, tiny angel, sent to bless us here on earth, we've felt the touch of heaven from the moment of your birth."
July 27, 2007
I honestly don't think I've gone to the bathroom by myself in 9 months. If I try to sneak away without the kids it doesn't take but a few seconds for them to come looking for me. And before I know it there's a party in the bathroom. And I've been wondering lately how long it will be before I can go to the bathroom with no kids serving as my audience. But today we hit an all time low when Dylan cheered "Yay Mommy! Great Job!"
July 24, 2007
The past month has been full of moments when I wished I could just close my eyes and disappear.....forever.
First was Father's Day. I purposely skipped church so that the kids wouldn't be slapped in the face that they don't have a dad. I didn't even tell them it was Father's Day. I let them stay outside all day and play in their little plastic pool. It kept us all preoccupied. But a few days later Camryn started crying because she didn't have anyone to buy a Father's Day present for (she didn't realize that the day had already come and gone) It makes me so sad for them. And its strange to me that everyone thought about Joe's dad on this day, but no one thought of us and what my kids and I must have felt. They will grow up and be reminded every year that they are the "kids with no dad"
Then a few weeks later was Joe's birthday. He would have been 36 on July 2. Again, I let it go without mentioning it to the kids. Camryn would have been upset, and I feel like there's no reason to cause her heart to break any more than it already has.
The day after his birthday Courtlyn was super fussy all day long. I was going crazy with all the crying, but I thought it was just typical baby stuff, like gas. At 7pm she woke up from a nap and was crying again, I picked her up and noticed she felt warm. As I was taking her temperature Dylan started saying he was tired and that his head hurt. So he went and laid in my bed. At almost the exact moment the thermometer registered that Courtlyn had a fever of 101.7, Dylan started puking in my bed! I called the pediatrician and was told to take Courtlyn to the ER. So I'm trying to get all our things together and Dylan is crawling through the house on his hands and knees, throwing up EVERYWHERE! Luckily Camryn felt OK...she tried to make Dylan feel better while I tended to the screaming baby. She thought of things to pack in the bag that I didn't even think of....like a towel for Dylan if he threw up in the car. She got herself dressed, fixed her hair, and got a book to read in the waiting room. She paced through the house telling herself "we have two emergencies here. " Then right before we left I was on the phone with my sister telling her what was happening, and Camryn ran in and told me "mom, there is NO time to waste, get off the phone and lets go" So I followed the orders of my 4 year old and we headed to the ER.
Dylan continued to throw up in the ER, but he had no fever. So Courtlyn was their top priority. Her fever got up to 102.8, and after hours of tessts they could find no source of infection. So at midnight they decided to do a spinal tap.....on my 6 week old baby! By that time Dylan felt better so they released him, and he and Camryn went home with my parents. They did the spinal tap and it came back positive for viral meningitis. All I could think is "you have got to kidding me! My husband died while I was pregnant, I almost lost my baby in delivery, and now she has meningitis???? What the hell else can I handle?" We were admitted to the hospital and stayed three days, with her hooked up to an IV. She recovered well though, and all the nurses were in love with her by the time we left.
Four days later would have been mine and Joe's 8th anniversay. That was 100 times worse than his birthday to me. We usually didn't do much for our birthdays, but anniversaries were big. It was the one time every year we knew we would get a babysitter. It didn't matter what else was going on, we did something special for our anniversary, even the years I was pregnant. Last year Joe to9ok me to the Faith Hill/Tim McGraw concert.....something he cared nothing about, but knew I would love. So to sit here alone with the kids on our anniversary was depressing to say the least. And just like Father's Day, I was alone in my misery....its not anything anyone else would ever think about.
I've been hearing a lot of the usual cliches lately...."God doesn't give us more than we can handle", "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", etc. Well this is what I think about those statements......I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE! I reached my breaking point the night Joe died....the only reason I'm able to go on is because of my kids. And as far as becoming a stronger person....I think I was a strong person before all of this. In fact I was stronger because of Joe. I'm not any stronger today, than I was 10 months ago. I don't foresee my kids growing up thinking what a strong mother they had. I imagine them talking about how their mother went insane the day their dad died, and that its a miracle they all survived.
First was Father's Day. I purposely skipped church so that the kids wouldn't be slapped in the face that they don't have a dad. I didn't even tell them it was Father's Day. I let them stay outside all day and play in their little plastic pool. It kept us all preoccupied. But a few days later Camryn started crying because she didn't have anyone to buy a Father's Day present for (she didn't realize that the day had already come and gone) It makes me so sad for them. And its strange to me that everyone thought about Joe's dad on this day, but no one thought of us and what my kids and I must have felt. They will grow up and be reminded every year that they are the "kids with no dad"
Then a few weeks later was Joe's birthday. He would have been 36 on July 2. Again, I let it go without mentioning it to the kids. Camryn would have been upset, and I feel like there's no reason to cause her heart to break any more than it already has.
The day after his birthday Courtlyn was super fussy all day long. I was going crazy with all the crying, but I thought it was just typical baby stuff, like gas. At 7pm she woke up from a nap and was crying again, I picked her up and noticed she felt warm. As I was taking her temperature Dylan started saying he was tired and that his head hurt. So he went and laid in my bed. At almost the exact moment the thermometer registered that Courtlyn had a fever of 101.7, Dylan started puking in my bed! I called the pediatrician and was told to take Courtlyn to the ER. So I'm trying to get all our things together and Dylan is crawling through the house on his hands and knees, throwing up EVERYWHERE! Luckily Camryn felt OK...she tried to make Dylan feel better while I tended to the screaming baby. She thought of things to pack in the bag that I didn't even think of....like a towel for Dylan if he threw up in the car. She got herself dressed, fixed her hair, and got a book to read in the waiting room. She paced through the house telling herself "we have two emergencies here. " Then right before we left I was on the phone with my sister telling her what was happening, and Camryn ran in and told me "mom, there is NO time to waste, get off the phone and lets go" So I followed the orders of my 4 year old and we headed to the ER.
Dylan continued to throw up in the ER, but he had no fever. So Courtlyn was their top priority. Her fever got up to 102.8, and after hours of tessts they could find no source of infection. So at midnight they decided to do a spinal tap.....on my 6 week old baby! By that time Dylan felt better so they released him, and he and Camryn went home with my parents. They did the spinal tap and it came back positive for viral meningitis. All I could think is "you have got to kidding me! My husband died while I was pregnant, I almost lost my baby in delivery, and now she has meningitis???? What the hell else can I handle?" We were admitted to the hospital and stayed three days, with her hooked up to an IV. She recovered well though, and all the nurses were in love with her by the time we left.
Four days later would have been mine and Joe's 8th anniversay. That was 100 times worse than his birthday to me. We usually didn't do much for our birthdays, but anniversaries were big. It was the one time every year we knew we would get a babysitter. It didn't matter what else was going on, we did something special for our anniversary, even the years I was pregnant. Last year Joe to9ok me to the Faith Hill/Tim McGraw concert.....something he cared nothing about, but knew I would love. So to sit here alone with the kids on our anniversary was depressing to say the least. And just like Father's Day, I was alone in my misery....its not anything anyone else would ever think about.
I've been hearing a lot of the usual cliches lately...."God doesn't give us more than we can handle", "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", etc. Well this is what I think about those statements......I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE! I reached my breaking point the night Joe died....the only reason I'm able to go on is because of my kids. And as far as becoming a stronger person....I think I was a strong person before all of this. In fact I was stronger because of Joe. I'm not any stronger today, than I was 10 months ago. I don't foresee my kids growing up thinking what a strong mother they had. I imagine them talking about how their mother went insane the day their dad died, and that its a miracle they all survived.
July 23, 2007
Last year all I wanted in life was to have another baby. We tried for 9 months to get pregnant. I even took clomid one month....still nothing. So we were shocked in September to find out I was pregnant! I was thrilled! But that changed the day Joe died. My excitement was replaced by confusion and anger. I resented the fact that I was pregnant. All it meant to me was more stress, more money, more work, and more chaos in an already chaotic house. I was not excited at all about her arrival. I can remember many nights just crying my eyes out asking God why I was pregnant. If Joe couldn't be here with me, then I didn't want another baby. I was barely functioning well enough to take care of the babies I already had.
But the moment she was in danger all of those feelings disappeared. I just wanted my baby to be OK. Granted, it IS more work, more stress, more money, and more chaos....but I feel grateful none the less.
Now I know the answer to the question I asked all those nights. Now I know why she is here. She has brought the kids and me so much peace and happiness. We have something to smile about again. I have a reason to get out of bed again.
Yes, I'm exhausted, I run in circles all day, I still can't fit into my size 6 jeans, I'm on anti-depressants, and I still miss Joe terribly, but its going better than I thought it would. I get up every morning, get dressed, and take care of three kids by myself. So I guess that's something. And I'm even getting used to the looks and comments from strangers that see us all in public. When people see me with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn they just can't resist making a comment about me having my hands full. and I just smile and say "you have NO idea"
But the moment she was in danger all of those feelings disappeared. I just wanted my baby to be OK. Granted, it IS more work, more stress, more money, and more chaos....but I feel grateful none the less.
Now I know the answer to the question I asked all those nights. Now I know why she is here. She has brought the kids and me so much peace and happiness. We have something to smile about again. I have a reason to get out of bed again.
Yes, I'm exhausted, I run in circles all day, I still can't fit into my size 6 jeans, I'm on anti-depressants, and I still miss Joe terribly, but its going better than I thought it would. I get up every morning, get dressed, and take care of three kids by myself. So I guess that's something. And I'm even getting used to the looks and comments from strangers that see us all in public. When people see me with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn they just can't resist making a comment about me having my hands full. and I just smile and say "you have NO idea"
July 22, 2007
On Tuesday, May 22 I went to the hospital to have labor induced. At the last minute I decided that I wanted to be there alone. I felt that if Joe couldn't be there then no one should be there. I didn't even tell anyone that I was going, except for the ladies in my support group and my family, who was keeping my other 2 children. My decisions apparently offended a few people, but it was what I felt was best for me at the time, and until someone has experienced what I'm going through, I think judgments shouldn't be made.
So I dropped my kids off and headed for the hospital at 9pm. It was so strange being there without Joe. We had done this together two other times, so I could easily picture him there and imagine what he would be saying and doing.
There were several awkward moments during my hospital stay....beginning with the 100 questions they asked me upon my arrival. The nurse asked if I had been under any stress during my pregnancy....I just rolled my eyes and said yes. Then a few minutes later she asked me if I was single or married. You should have seen her face when I told her I was widowed. I can only imagine what the conversation was like when she went back to the nurses station.
The next morning my new nurse came in at 7am. It was the same nurse sho had delivered Dylan just 2 years ago. She had already been told about Joe's accident and I could tell it was awkward for her, but I was glad to have her there and I thought she handled the situation great.
At 9am my doctor came in to break my water. When he did, he immediately mumbled something to the nurse and then told her to get the ultrasound machine. She yelled SHIT and ran out the door. Within seconds she was back, but the doctor told her there was no time. He told her to trade places with him and keep her hand in my cervix. As he started to leave the room he turned to me and said "you're about to have the fastest c-section in history". There was immediately a team of nurses running in my room, sushing me out the door to the operating room. I wasn't wure who was in danger, the baby or me, but I knew it was bad. I just yelled for someone to call my family.
I was taken to the operating room with my nurse still on top f m ewith her hand in my cervix. She was freaking out and I remember another nurse trying to calm her down and told that as long as she could still feel the baby's heartbeat that she was OK. In the operating room I just remember seeing a whole team of people rushing around and the anesthesiologist telling me there was no time for an epidural, that he would have to put me completely under, and that everything was going to be OK. The last thing I remember is yelling at him "NO, ITS NOT OK!"
Then I woke up back in my room and was told that my baby girl was born at 9:12am (only 12 minutes after my doctor broke my water). I talked to several nurses and doctors that assisted and they all said it was a true emergency c-section in every sense. They said they didn't even properly scrub in....they just washed their hands real quick and cut me open as fast as they could. Courtlyn then made a very weak entrance into the world. They said she was blue, and her apgar score was only 4. But within minutes our pediatrician was able to get her breathing regularly and her second score was 8. The pediatrician told me that by the end of the whole ordeal she and my doctor and several nurses were all in tears. I thank God that I was completely under anesthesia because I don't think I could have handled all of that drama and stress.
Apparently the baby's cord was prolapsed, which is when the cord is positioned under the baby's head. Its potentially fatal because when the baby's head presses down on the cord it cuts off the oxygen supply to the baby. So that nurse that was on top of me with her hand in my cervix for 12 minutes was actually pushing the baby's head up, off the cord.
I truly believe that Joe was in that operating room with me, making sure we were OK. He knew me better than anyone else in the world, and he would know that there would be no way I could handle losing my baby....especially not now, having already lost him. Without him and my awesome doctors, I know Courtlyn wouldn't be here today. The pediatrican even told me that she was talking to Joe during the moments she was trying to get Courtlyn breathing. And even though I was asleep through the whole thing, I am certain he was right there by my side.
So I dropped my kids off and headed for the hospital at 9pm. It was so strange being there without Joe. We had done this together two other times, so I could easily picture him there and imagine what he would be saying and doing.
There were several awkward moments during my hospital stay....beginning with the 100 questions they asked me upon my arrival. The nurse asked if I had been under any stress during my pregnancy....I just rolled my eyes and said yes. Then a few minutes later she asked me if I was single or married. You should have seen her face when I told her I was widowed. I can only imagine what the conversation was like when she went back to the nurses station.
The next morning my new nurse came in at 7am. It was the same nurse sho had delivered Dylan just 2 years ago. She had already been told about Joe's accident and I could tell it was awkward for her, but I was glad to have her there and I thought she handled the situation great.
At 9am my doctor came in to break my water. When he did, he immediately mumbled something to the nurse and then told her to get the ultrasound machine. She yelled SHIT and ran out the door. Within seconds she was back, but the doctor told her there was no time. He told her to trade places with him and keep her hand in my cervix. As he started to leave the room he turned to me and said "you're about to have the fastest c-section in history". There was immediately a team of nurses running in my room, sushing me out the door to the operating room. I wasn't wure who was in danger, the baby or me, but I knew it was bad. I just yelled for someone to call my family.
I was taken to the operating room with my nurse still on top f m ewith her hand in my cervix. She was freaking out and I remember another nurse trying to calm her down and told that as long as she could still feel the baby's heartbeat that she was OK. In the operating room I just remember seeing a whole team of people rushing around and the anesthesiologist telling me there was no time for an epidural, that he would have to put me completely under, and that everything was going to be OK. The last thing I remember is yelling at him "NO, ITS NOT OK!"
Then I woke up back in my room and was told that my baby girl was born at 9:12am (only 12 minutes after my doctor broke my water). I talked to several nurses and doctors that assisted and they all said it was a true emergency c-section in every sense. They said they didn't even properly scrub in....they just washed their hands real quick and cut me open as fast as they could. Courtlyn then made a very weak entrance into the world. They said she was blue, and her apgar score was only 4. But within minutes our pediatrician was able to get her breathing regularly and her second score was 8. The pediatrician told me that by the end of the whole ordeal she and my doctor and several nurses were all in tears. I thank God that I was completely under anesthesia because I don't think I could have handled all of that drama and stress.
Apparently the baby's cord was prolapsed, which is when the cord is positioned under the baby's head. Its potentially fatal because when the baby's head presses down on the cord it cuts off the oxygen supply to the baby. So that nurse that was on top of me with her hand in my cervix for 12 minutes was actually pushing the baby's head up, off the cord.
I truly believe that Joe was in that operating room with me, making sure we were OK. He knew me better than anyone else in the world, and he would know that there would be no way I could handle losing my baby....especially not now, having already lost him. Without him and my awesome doctors, I know Courtlyn wouldn't be here today. The pediatrican even told me that she was talking to Joe during the moments she was trying to get Courtlyn breathing. And even though I was asleep through the whole thing, I am certain he was right there by my side.
July 21, 2007
The kids and I headed to Brookshires this afternoon. It took us an hour and a half just to buy $60 in groceries.
I gave Camryn and Dylan each a bag of candy to try and keep them quiet, and all was well for the first 15 minutes of our trip. But it didn't last long .
Courtlyn started screaming in her car seat, and it finally got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore so I got her out and carried her in one arm and pushed the cart with the other. That wasn't so bad, until she then continued to get more pissed off and I had to give in and feed her. So I'm walking through Brookshire's, attempting to read my list and actually buy things, while holding Courtlyn in one arm, holding the bottle with my chin, and still pushing the cart. At this point the kids were on a total sugar high....and anyone that knows Dylan (my 2 year old) can imagine what he's like after a bag of candy! He was all over the place. And my 4 year old, being the little bossy mother that she is, was trying to control him....which only made him act worse. Everytime I set Courtlyn up on my shoulder she would projectile vomit and scream, so in addition to everything else, I was covered in spitup too! The store was crowded of course, and it was hard to keep the cart going in the right direction since I was pushing it with one hand and holding a bottle with my chin, especially since Dylan kept jumping on and off the side rail. I was so stressed that I was starting to sweat, and an older lady walked by me and asked how old she was, and the told me I should have her covered in a blanket! What the hell? Did I look like I possibly gave a shit about a blanket? At that point everyone should have just been glad that I didn't leave all my kids at the store and come home by myself. Screw giving me advice about my cold baby....could someone just offer to get the canned pineapple off the top shelf for me?
I gave Camryn and Dylan each a bag of candy to try and keep them quiet, and all was well for the first 15 minutes of our trip. But it didn't last long .
Courtlyn started screaming in her car seat, and it finally got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore so I got her out and carried her in one arm and pushed the cart with the other. That wasn't so bad, until she then continued to get more pissed off and I had to give in and feed her. So I'm walking through Brookshire's, attempting to read my list and actually buy things, while holding Courtlyn in one arm, holding the bottle with my chin, and still pushing the cart. At this point the kids were on a total sugar high....and anyone that knows Dylan (my 2 year old) can imagine what he's like after a bag of candy! He was all over the place. And my 4 year old, being the little bossy mother that she is, was trying to control him....which only made him act worse. Everytime I set Courtlyn up on my shoulder she would projectile vomit and scream, so in addition to everything else, I was covered in spitup too! The store was crowded of course, and it was hard to keep the cart going in the right direction since I was pushing it with one hand and holding a bottle with my chin, especially since Dylan kept jumping on and off the side rail. I was so stressed that I was starting to sweat, and an older lady walked by me and asked how old she was, and the told me I should have her covered in a blanket! What the hell? Did I look like I possibly gave a shit about a blanket? At that point everyone should have just been glad that I didn't leave all my kids at the store and come home by myself. Screw giving me advice about my cold baby....could someone just offer to get the canned pineapple off the top shelf for me?
July16, 2007
Its 8:30 and all 3 kids are asleep! Thats right all THREE kids are asleep....I had my new baby girl on May 23 at 9:12am. Her name is Courtlyn LeeAnne and she arrived 2 weeks early, weighing 5 pounds, 13 ounces and 18 inches long.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
May 20, 2007
well, it looks like I'll really be having another baby soon. I can not believe that I will be a single mother of three children, all under the age of 5. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do this. I'm naturally a very nervous, anxious person....and have always been a compulsive worrier. Joe kept me in balance though. He was so calm and easygoing that it leveled me out. He was always assuring me that everything was OK. And he always made all the big decisions because I can't ever decide anything on my own. So now here I am with 3 kids to raise on my own. It would be different if my kids were older and I only had a few more years until they were grown.....but I have 20 years of this ahead of me! I'm trying to relax more and trying to be more like him, but so far its not working.
I think I have everything ready for the baby though. The crib is set up and the car seat is installed. I have bottles washed and formula in the pantry. I have a closet full of newborn diapers and a ton of clothes. So I guess I'm ready. Camryn and I finally settled on a name a few days ago. She's already changed her mind and decided that now she doesn't like it, but I'm holding her to it.
I think my doctor is just as nervous about the birth of this baby as I am. I've been going to him for 10 years, and considering I've had 3 babies in 5 years, I've gotten to know him pretty well. He knew Joe also. Joe always went to all of my prenatal appointments with me. Also, when we met with the doctor last summer to discuss the possibility of having another baby Joe's big concern was the health problems I had after I delivered Dylan. My doctor seemed to share his concern and wanted me to hold off on getting pregnant again until he did some more tests. Then I ended up pregnant before those tests were done. So now, here I am alone about to have baby when there's a very real possibility that I could die from complications. It was scary enough last time, but now there are 3 young children completely dependent on me. I can remember being in ICU thinking I may never see my babies again. I can remember Joe crying and telling me that he had never prayed so much in his life. But at least then my kids had their dad. This time its all on me. I think my doctor 's sense of responsibilty for me and my kids has increased greatly. He keeps telling me not to worry. That Joe worried about me because he was my husband, but that I shouldn't take on his worries for myself. But at the same time, he has been closely monitoring me, trying to avoid any complications. I can only imagine how he would feel if something happened. I keep trying to assure myself that God is not going to let something happen to me, that he would not let that happen to my children. But I know its still possible.
Please keep us in your prayers.
I think I have everything ready for the baby though. The crib is set up and the car seat is installed. I have bottles washed and formula in the pantry. I have a closet full of newborn diapers and a ton of clothes. So I guess I'm ready. Camryn and I finally settled on a name a few days ago. She's already changed her mind and decided that now she doesn't like it, but I'm holding her to it.
I think my doctor is just as nervous about the birth of this baby as I am. I've been going to him for 10 years, and considering I've had 3 babies in 5 years, I've gotten to know him pretty well. He knew Joe also. Joe always went to all of my prenatal appointments with me. Also, when we met with the doctor last summer to discuss the possibility of having another baby Joe's big concern was the health problems I had after I delivered Dylan. My doctor seemed to share his concern and wanted me to hold off on getting pregnant again until he did some more tests. Then I ended up pregnant before those tests were done. So now, here I am alone about to have baby when there's a very real possibility that I could die from complications. It was scary enough last time, but now there are 3 young children completely dependent on me. I can remember being in ICU thinking I may never see my babies again. I can remember Joe crying and telling me that he had never prayed so much in his life. But at least then my kids had their dad. This time its all on me. I think my doctor 's sense of responsibilty for me and my kids has increased greatly. He keeps telling me not to worry. That Joe worried about me because he was my husband, but that I shouldn't take on his worries for myself. But at the same time, he has been closely monitoring me, trying to avoid any complications. I can only imagine how he would feel if something happened. I keep trying to assure myself that God is not going to let something happen to me, that he would not let that happen to my children. But I know its still possible.
Please keep us in your prayers.
May 6, 2007
I have 3 weeks to get ready for this baby. The crib is is still in the attic, and all of my baby gifts are still sitting in Joe's shop, still unopened. I have NO motivation to get anything ready. Plus, since the baby will be sharing a room with me I have to clean out my room before I have room to move in baby stuff. I'm just praying that he doesn't decide to arrive early!
I realized last week that I have started living in anticipation of dying. Anytime I'm cleaning I'm thinking about someone else coming to clean out my house when I die.....I wouldn't want my mother to come clean out my house and find dirty baseboards would I? And tonight I organized all my files and even made a special box for all of our accounts....retirement, investments, savings accounts, and life insurance policies....so it will be easy for someone to come in and figure everything out. I'm even attempting to pay off all my credit card debt, so when I die no one will have to deal with that, or talk about how I spent my money. It would be different if Joe was still here to take care of things when I die....he already knew everything about me anyway. But now I'm looking at the fact that it will be my parents, relatives, and friends cleaning up the mess I've made while here on earth. If nothing else I guess I want them to say....."wow, didn't she keep a clean, organized house!"
I really need to get a life!
I realized last week that I have started living in anticipation of dying. Anytime I'm cleaning I'm thinking about someone else coming to clean out my house when I die.....I wouldn't want my mother to come clean out my house and find dirty baseboards would I? And tonight I organized all my files and even made a special box for all of our accounts....retirement, investments, savings accounts, and life insurance policies....so it will be easy for someone to come in and figure everything out. I'm even attempting to pay off all my credit card debt, so when I die no one will have to deal with that, or talk about how I spent my money. It would be different if Joe was still here to take care of things when I die....he already knew everything about me anyway. But now I'm looking at the fact that it will be my parents, relatives, and friends cleaning up the mess I've made while here on earth. If nothing else I guess I want them to say....."wow, didn't she keep a clean, organized house!"
I really need to get a life!
April 11, 2007
Today I wasn't feeling good and felt like I was going to pass out, and I realized that since Joe is gone if something happened to me no one would know. I started having a panic attack thinking about my children sitting here in this house and not being able to take care of themselves, while I could be laid out unconscious. So I asked Camryn if she knew what to do in an emergency if something was wrong with me. Her response...."call 1 9 9 ?" Pretty close, but not close enough if I'm laid out dying or in labor! So we had a lesson in dialing 911, and then I taped a big piece a paper with 911 on it above the phone. Every time I pass by it though its like a reminder of my own mortality, and reminds me that if something happens to me my kids will have no parents. They are counting on me. That is an enormous amount of responsibilty. Responsibility to live....somthing I haven't had much motivation to do lately. But as much as I would like to curl up and die, I know that I have to be here for my kids. I am ALL they have.
Dylan has started something new in the last few days. Whenever he gets upset about something he starts whining and says "find daddy! me find daddy" I don't even know what to say to him. He's 2, he doesn't have any clue where he is, he just knows that his daddy went to work, and never came home. And he wants to find him.
If I'm obligated to stay on this earth until my children are grown, its going to be a very long 20-30 years.
Dylan has started something new in the last few days. Whenever he gets upset about something he starts whining and says "find daddy! me find daddy" I don't even know what to say to him. He's 2, he doesn't have any clue where he is, he just knows that his daddy went to work, and never came home. And he wants to find him.
If I'm obligated to stay on this earth until my children are grown, its going to be a very long 20-30 years.
April 8, 2007
Tomorrow is Easter. Just one more day to get through. Today we wnet to the boardwalk for our church's Easter Festival. The kids had fun, but I was miserable. Not only was it 40 degrees, but we didn't wear jackets, and of course the obvious....Joe wasn't there this year.
Since he died 5 months ago, we've been faced with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Dylan's birthday, New Years, Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, and now Easter. I never before realized how many holidays there were. Of course these "special" days are really no more difficult than every other day. Everyday is hard...holiday or not. Every night I feel completely overwhelmed as the kids bedtime approaches. Tonight there were toys everywhere, egg dye all over the kitchen, the kids were right under my feet getting into everything, they were wound up just from the idea of the Easter Bunny, I was trying to get their water and snack made for bedtime, and Dylan starts fussing because he couldn't see the fish and he was trying to move te aquarium to see....I LOST IT! I yelled at him, and he took off to his room screaming and crying. Camryn ran after him to check on him, and I just leaned over the counter crying. She came out with him a few minutes later, holding his hand, telling him everything would be OK. They found me crying, and she asked what was wrong....I didn't answer, so she said "is it because of daddy?" And I told her honestly, that yes it was, and that I didn't feel like I could take care of them very well without him here. They both came over and hugged me and gave me a kiss, and Camryn said "You do take care of us Momma. You're the best momma ever." I told her that it was sweet to say that, but that I know that its not true....and she just hugged me. She is by far the ONLY thing that gets me through all of this. Ever since the day he died she has always stepped up at just the right moment to take care of Dylan when I lose my temper, or am hysterically crying. And she's always said things to try and make me feel better. Two days after he died, I was crying while I brushed her hair, and she just looked at me and said "Momma, don't be sad, we'll all be together again in heaven one day" She does make me feel better at my worst moments, but it makes me even more sad to think that she's only 4 years old, and has made it her job to make things better here. She shouldn't have to. I have no idea why my children have been dealt this hand in life. It breaks my heart even more than it already is.
Since he died 5 months ago, we've been faced with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Dylan's birthday, New Years, Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, and now Easter. I never before realized how many holidays there were. Of course these "special" days are really no more difficult than every other day. Everyday is hard...holiday or not. Every night I feel completely overwhelmed as the kids bedtime approaches. Tonight there were toys everywhere, egg dye all over the kitchen, the kids were right under my feet getting into everything, they were wound up just from the idea of the Easter Bunny, I was trying to get their water and snack made for bedtime, and Dylan starts fussing because he couldn't see the fish and he was trying to move te aquarium to see....I LOST IT! I yelled at him, and he took off to his room screaming and crying. Camryn ran after him to check on him, and I just leaned over the counter crying. She came out with him a few minutes later, holding his hand, telling him everything would be OK. They found me crying, and she asked what was wrong....I didn't answer, so she said "is it because of daddy?" And I told her honestly, that yes it was, and that I didn't feel like I could take care of them very well without him here. They both came over and hugged me and gave me a kiss, and Camryn said "You do take care of us Momma. You're the best momma ever." I told her that it was sweet to say that, but that I know that its not true....and she just hugged me. She is by far the ONLY thing that gets me through all of this. Ever since the day he died she has always stepped up at just the right moment to take care of Dylan when I lose my temper, or am hysterically crying. And she's always said things to try and make me feel better. Two days after he died, I was crying while I brushed her hair, and she just looked at me and said "Momma, don't be sad, we'll all be together again in heaven one day" She does make me feel better at my worst moments, but it makes me even more sad to think that she's only 4 years old, and has made it her job to make things better here. She shouldn't have to. I have no idea why my children have been dealt this hand in life. It breaks my heart even more than it already is.
April 3, 2007
Camryn has been asking for a pet since last summer, so today I gave in. We went to the pet store to buy a fish. Sixty-five dollars later, we came home with a fish, an aquarium, and a ton of junk to go inside for the fish to "play with". We've now had the fish for 10 hours and he has barely moved.....I don't know if he's sick or if there is so much crap in the aquarium that he can't move! But regardless, our turquoise beta fish, named Nemo, has filled our house with excitement. Camryn can't go more than 10 minutes without running back to see him, even though he still hasn't moved. She already refers to him as her best friend, and keeps asking if we'll really be able to keep him forever. And Dylan flips out if he walks by and notices that the light isn't on inside the aquarium. I never would have guessed that a little fish that doesn't even swim could cause such a commotion!
April 1, 2007
Last night I was going into the garage and when I opened the door a mouse scurried by! It was no bigger than a hamster, but scared me to death. So today I set out to trap it. I bought 8 glue traps and 4 spring loaded traps. They are set all over the garage. All I was thinking about was getting rid of it...what I didn't think about was what the hell I was going to do when it got caught in a trap. So tonight I start to go out to the car and I hear the damn thing squeaking, and its obvious by the sound that its trapped. I called several of Joe's friends, but no one answered. Now I won't go in the garage at all. So the mouse is just stuck in a trap, and appearently we're stuck in the house!
Its not like tonight wasn't bad enough. After the kids went to bed I began tackling the job of cleaning out Joe's closet. I don't want to, but I'm at the point where I have no choice. Our plans were to build a new house, with 4 bedrooms. But since he's gone I'm forced to stay in this 3 bedroom house. The new baby is already accumulating so much stuff, and since it doesn't have its own room, I don't have anywhere to put it all. I've been throwing a lot of it in Joe's closet, but its just been all over the floor and its gotten so bad that I can't even walk into it anymore. So tonight I started the process of cleaning it out to make room for all of baby's stuff, and getting it all organized. Of course I just sat in a heap of clothes in the middle of the bathroom floor and cried my eyes out. This is like admitting to myself that he's really not ever coming home....something I still don't want to accept.
Damn it! He NEEDS to come home. He needs to come home and give me a hug, play with the kids, let me sleep in, make pancakes for breakfast, take Camryn to school, take us out to eat, cut the grass, and kill the damn mouse!
Its not like tonight wasn't bad enough. After the kids went to bed I began tackling the job of cleaning out Joe's closet. I don't want to, but I'm at the point where I have no choice. Our plans were to build a new house, with 4 bedrooms. But since he's gone I'm forced to stay in this 3 bedroom house. The new baby is already accumulating so much stuff, and since it doesn't have its own room, I don't have anywhere to put it all. I've been throwing a lot of it in Joe's closet, but its just been all over the floor and its gotten so bad that I can't even walk into it anymore. So tonight I started the process of cleaning it out to make room for all of baby's stuff, and getting it all organized. Of course I just sat in a heap of clothes in the middle of the bathroom floor and cried my eyes out. This is like admitting to myself that he's really not ever coming home....something I still don't want to accept.
Damn it! He NEEDS to come home. He needs to come home and give me a hug, play with the kids, let me sleep in, make pancakes for breakfast, take Camryn to school, take us out to eat, cut the grass, and kill the damn mouse!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
March 28, 2007
Dylan is really starting to talk now. I've really enjoyed watching his language develop, but I should have known that it would come back to bite me in the ass. I now know that he's been picking up on everything that has been going on....he just hasn't been able to express it until now. Several times this week he has told me "no cry, mommy" when he sees me crying about Joe. And tonight when we had company over, he decided to say "daddy, die" over and over again until I acknowledged that he was right. Its just one more milestone the kids have reached that has been ruined because of the sadness that comes along with it. Its hard to enjoy his newfound vocabulary when its a constant reminder of Joe.
March 26, 2007
"You're full of shit. Why don't you get off your high horse and take a good long look in the mirror" Thats the response I got from my mother when I tried to explain why I wasn't socializing at the mardi gras parade. I tried to explain how hard it was to even be there without Joe, and that is the response I get from her!
I honestly don't understand some people. Do they honestly think everything is fine here? That I have gotten "over it" and life is ok again. Do they not realize that everything I do reminds me of him, and that he's not here. This was not just a good friend or close relative for God's sake....this was my husband. The person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. I think part of it is that some people don't realize just how close we were. Yes, he was involved in a lot of stuff outside of us, but we talked about everything. We were together all the time. If he was outside building a truck, I was right there beside him. We talked on the phone 4-5 times a day while he was at work. If he was out of town we talked on the phone even more, and he always called to tell me goodnight. We had a very special relationship. I understand that there are a lot of people who don't have this type of marriage, but we did. Its not something that I'm going to "get over". He's the only person I have ever been in love with. The day I met him my life changed for the better. That may seem exaggerated, but its true. I went from a life of way too much drinking and drugs, to a life that I never knew I could have. He is what motivated me to go back to school, to graduate, to have kids, to be a stay at home mom. Its really not that I just love kids so much that I wanted to have a ton of kids and stay home...what I loved was being with him and having kids. I loved being a mother AND wife, not just a mother. I didn't really enjoy all the days of staying home taking care of babies, but it made it worth it when he would walk in the door at 6:00 and we all sat around the dinner table. It made it worth it when I got to sit in the floor with him and the kids to play before bedtime. Thats one reason its so hard for me to see the joy in the kids now....because he's not here to share it with me.
So, I'm taking a long look in that mirror. And what I see is a girl who is torn apart, lonely, and depressed, and there's nothing that can change that. I will never again have the part of me that brought me happiness. He's gone, and unfortunately I'm left here without him.
I honestly don't understand some people. Do they honestly think everything is fine here? That I have gotten "over it" and life is ok again. Do they not realize that everything I do reminds me of him, and that he's not here. This was not just a good friend or close relative for God's sake....this was my husband. The person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. I think part of it is that some people don't realize just how close we were. Yes, he was involved in a lot of stuff outside of us, but we talked about everything. We were together all the time. If he was outside building a truck, I was right there beside him. We talked on the phone 4-5 times a day while he was at work. If he was out of town we talked on the phone even more, and he always called to tell me goodnight. We had a very special relationship. I understand that there are a lot of people who don't have this type of marriage, but we did. Its not something that I'm going to "get over". He's the only person I have ever been in love with. The day I met him my life changed for the better. That may seem exaggerated, but its true. I went from a life of way too much drinking and drugs, to a life that I never knew I could have. He is what motivated me to go back to school, to graduate, to have kids, to be a stay at home mom. Its really not that I just love kids so much that I wanted to have a ton of kids and stay home...what I loved was being with him and having kids. I loved being a mother AND wife, not just a mother. I didn't really enjoy all the days of staying home taking care of babies, but it made it worth it when he would walk in the door at 6:00 and we all sat around the dinner table. It made it worth it when I got to sit in the floor with him and the kids to play before bedtime. Thats one reason its so hard for me to see the joy in the kids now....because he's not here to share it with me.
So, I'm taking a long look in that mirror. And what I see is a girl who is torn apart, lonely, and depressed, and there's nothing that can change that. I will never again have the part of me that brought me happiness. He's gone, and unfortunately I'm left here without him.
March 15, 2007
I just went to check on Camryn in bed, to see if she was asleep yet, and I found her crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was sad about daddy. She said she was sad that he's not here and that she'll never be able to see him again. I keep trying to tell her that we'll all be together in heaven one day, but I know that she just wants to see him now. So do I. She asked me if daddy missed us and I tried to assure her that he loves and misses us as much as we miss him. She then told me that she wishes she had a giant box of band-aids to make him better so he wouldn't have died.
I try to hold it together for her, but everytime she starts talking like this I start crying uncontrollably. I can't stand to see my babies hurt like this, and I can't even imagine how losing their dad at such a young age is going to effect their entire lives. Its already changed their personalities, and its only been 4 months.
I try to hold it together for her, but everytime she starts talking like this I start crying uncontrollably. I can't stand to see my babies hurt like this, and I can't even imagine how losing their dad at such a young age is going to effect their entire lives. Its already changed their personalities, and its only been 4 months.
March 7, 2007
Today is the first day in a very long time that I felt happy, sort of. I was called by the state of Texas and was told that the man who killed my husband, by his wreckless driving, was finally arrested. The case went before the grand jury last week, and he was formally charged with criminally negligent homicide. He will be going to court sometime in the near future, and I'll get to face him and get the chance to tell him how his actions have affected our lives.
Of course, it still wasn't a purely happy moment. But it was the first time in 4 months that I felt like I could breathe.
When I found out I didn't know who to call and tell first. So I told Camryn. I told her that the man who hit daddy was arrested by the police and taken to jail. Her face lit up immediately, and her smile reached from ear to ear! She's been asking me for months if the man who killed her daddy was in jail and she was never satisfied with my answer. Well, she was today! We'll never have Joe back and I'll never be abe to forgive him for that. But at least I know that now he realizes what he has done. I can't wait for the day I get to see him in court.
Of course, it still wasn't a purely happy moment. But it was the first time in 4 months that I felt like I could breathe.
When I found out I didn't know who to call and tell first. So I told Camryn. I told her that the man who hit daddy was arrested by the police and taken to jail. Her face lit up immediately, and her smile reached from ear to ear! She's been asking me for months if the man who killed her daddy was in jail and she was never satisfied with my answer. Well, she was today! We'll never have Joe back and I'll never be abe to forgive him for that. But at least I know that now he realizes what he has done. I can't wait for the day I get to see him in court.
March 5, 2007
Its been four months since Joe died. If you do the math, its been 172,800 minutes, and I don't think a minute has passed that I'm not consumed by it. Not a minute has passed that I don't think about him....whether it be memories we shared together, or the accident, or just simply thinking about the fact that he's gone. It doesn't matter what I'm doing at the time....eating, driving, giving the kids a bath, talking on the phone, reading the kids a book, sitting in church, or anything else.....my mind is still preoccupied with thoughts of him. I'm still not sleeping....I stay up half the night and when I finally do go to bed, I toss and turn all night....still thinking about him. I would love to have just one minute of happiness again. One minute of letting all this go.
March 3, 2007
Maybe one day my family will get it....unfortunately, half us will face the death of a spouse, its inevitable. Maybe then they will see. They still probably won't understnad the magnitude of my loss, considering my age and the circumstances. But maybe they will understand how it feels to lose the one person in the world that you love more than life itself. How it feels to lose the one person in the world you KNOW you can count on. How it feels to go home to an empty house. How it feels to go to bed alone everynight.
Maybe then they'll see how they've expected too much from me. Or see how it hurts when you're abandoned by people you think you can count on. Maybe then they'll see how much it hurts to realize that your own family members don't care enough to even call, much less offer any help .Maybe then they'll realize that just because a couple of months have passed doesn't mean that everything is better. Maybe then they'll realize that there are NO good days immediately following the death of your husband.
And MAYBE when they go through it themselves and realize these things, I'll be over my hurt and anger toward them. But right now, everyday that goes by without a phone call a visit makes me more and more angry....and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
Maybe then they'll see how they've expected too much from me. Or see how it hurts when you're abandoned by people you think you can count on. Maybe then they'll see how much it hurts to realize that your own family members don't care enough to even call, much less offer any help .Maybe then they'll realize that just because a couple of months have passed doesn't mean that everything is better. Maybe then they'll realize that there are NO good days immediately following the death of your husband.
And MAYBE when they go through it themselves and realize these things, I'll be over my hurt and anger toward them. But right now, everyday that goes by without a phone call a visit makes me more and more angry....and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
March 2, 2007
I would give anything....
*to feel him touch me one more time
*to feel his hand on my back while I fall asleep
* for him to come up behind me and rub my back while I'm cooking, ironing, or getting dressed
*to feel his hand on my belly
*to hear the kids squeal "DADDY! DADDY!" and run circles through the house when he comes home from work
*to see Camryn on his shoulders
*to sit on the porch and drink a beer with him while he grills
*to see him asleep in the chair while rocking Dylan
*to see Dylan's eyes light up every time "Joe" walks in the room
*to walk in the bathroom and see both kids standing outside the shower door, just waiting for him to get out and play
*to see him swing the kids dangerously high
*for him to walk the kids and me to car when we leave
* to hear him say "I'm on my way home"
*to see Camryn get ridiculously excited about a trip to the dump, or Home Depot, or the auto parts store simply because she's getting to go with daddy
*to see him load the kids up in the "cool truck" for a ride around the block
*to look out the window and see him wash the cars with the kids "help"
*to walk in the room and see him playing with the kids and breaking all my rules
*for him to carry me to bed
*to sit in his lap and hug him while he watches TV
*to hear him laugh hysterically about the Chapelle Show while on the phone with Jimmy
*to hear his truck or motorcyle driving up the street and knowing he's home
*for him to him tell me to quit cleaning and come to bed
*for him draw an elaborate picture on Camryn's magnadoodle while we all sit and watch in amazement
*to help Camryn find him in a game of hide and seek
*to feel his hand on my knee when he's driving
*to see him walk across the parking lot to meet me at my doctor appointments
*for him tell me "Tracy, everything's going to be OK"
*to hear him say "I Love You"
*to feel him touch me one more time
*to feel his hand on my back while I fall asleep
* for him to come up behind me and rub my back while I'm cooking, ironing, or getting dressed
*to feel his hand on my belly
*to hear the kids squeal "DADDY! DADDY!" and run circles through the house when he comes home from work
*to see Camryn on his shoulders
*to sit on the porch and drink a beer with him while he grills
*to see him asleep in the chair while rocking Dylan
*to see Dylan's eyes light up every time "Joe" walks in the room
*to walk in the bathroom and see both kids standing outside the shower door, just waiting for him to get out and play
*to see him swing the kids dangerously high
*for him to walk the kids and me to car when we leave
* to hear him say "I'm on my way home"
*to see Camryn get ridiculously excited about a trip to the dump, or Home Depot, or the auto parts store simply because she's getting to go with daddy
*to see him load the kids up in the "cool truck" for a ride around the block
*to look out the window and see him wash the cars with the kids "help"
*to walk in the room and see him playing with the kids and breaking all my rules
*for him to carry me to bed
*to sit in his lap and hug him while he watches TV
*to hear him laugh hysterically about the Chapelle Show while on the phone with Jimmy
*to hear his truck or motorcyle driving up the street and knowing he's home
*for him to him tell me to quit cleaning and come to bed
*for him draw an elaborate picture on Camryn's magnadoodle while we all sit and watch in amazement
*to help Camryn find him in a game of hide and seek
*to feel his hand on my knee when he's driving
*to see him walk across the parking lot to meet me at my doctor appointments
*for him tell me "Tracy, everything's going to be OK"
*to hear him say "I Love You"
February 25, 2007
Its been a rough weekend so far. Yesterday it hit me how tired I am. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Just yesterday morning I had to drop Camryn off at preschool, spend 20 minutes at the bank dealing with our memorial fund, come home and get some paper work together, go pick Camryn up, meet with a lawyer and with my insurance agent....all this before 12:00. I'm just drained. I stay up until 2 or 3am every night, feel like I run circles trying to keep up with the cleaning and laundry....and nevre get a break. Both kids end up in bed with me every night....which is not very comfortable anymore now that I'm 25 weeks pregnant.
I think everything caught up with me this week. By yesterday after noon I felt like I was either going to die of exhaustion or at the very least have a nervous breakdown. Luckliy, Melissa volunteered to keep the kids for the night and give me a break. During my 24 hours without them I went to the cemetery, cleaned the house, did 6 loads of laundry, ironed clothes, and met with some of Joe's friends (trying to get ready to sell all his belongings) It was a nice break from the kids, but it wasn't very relaxing. Its strange because I'm always so busy and just wish for some alone time to sit and do nothing, but when I finally have that time I can't sit still. If I sit still for more than 2 minutes, I start to feel myself about to break down and have to get up and find something to do. I can't stand the silence of sitting quietly. I'm completely wearing myself out.
Its hard to go in the shop and see all of Joe's tools and equipment being priced. I know its something I have to do, and I know he would want me to, but it doesn't make it any easier. I can look around in there and can practically see him standing at his bike lift working on his bike. I can envision the kids running around at his feet trying to help him, like they did so many weekend afternoons. I can remember so vividly sitting on the stool beside him, drinking a beer, and just talking for hours while the kids slept inside. There's memories everywhere I turn. But I keep reminding myself that its just stuff.....what would Joe want me to do? I know the answer to that....he'd sell it in a heartbeat.
I used to cry every time he would leave me here to go on a trip, even just for a weekend, even for work. He hated that! He said I made him feel so guilty for leaving. I knew it made him feel bad, and thats partially why I did it. I hated being here without him, and I wanted him to know it. I would count the hours until he's be home. Last year when he was working the hurricane damage, I cried everyday on the phone wth him. I didn't want him there. He would be gone for 1-2 weeks at a time, and I thought it was the worst thing in the world.When he would call to say he was coming home for the weekend the kids and I would be so excited. I can remember him hating it too. One night he came home after being gone for two weeks and he swore that Dylan had grown since last time he had seen him. I could see on his face and in his voice how much that bothered him. Our family was so important to both of us, and we didn't like it being split up. The kids and I wanted him here, and he wanted to be here with us as well.
Its been 4 months since he died and I think its just starting to hit me that he's really gone....forever. I was driving home tonight with the kids and I caught myself thinking about how excited Dylan and Camryn would be if he walked in the house. And then it hit me....that will never happen. It was a scary realization.The idea of never seeing him again is more than I can take. Its like my mind still can't even process that thought. When we got married I remember thinking that the word "forever" seemed daunting.....but that word has become even scarier now. To know that I have to live the rest of my life without him, forever, is the scariest thing I've ever had to face.
And I have another excerpt from a book that sums up my feelings perfectly:
"If only I knew it wouldn't be so long before I saw him again, Lord, I could get through this.
If only I knew that I could see him once a year for a week, I could handle being a widow. Not easily. But it would be better than the indefinite wait.
There would still be the dark days. But at least there would be a light in this long tunnel of grief.
If only I could be with him.....
*for a week, once a year. Just one week out of 52. Is that asking too much?
*all right, so maybe even just for a day, one day out of 365. Surely you could spare one day out of an eternity of them?
*Or even an hour a year. One hour out of 8,760. Surely that is not unreasonable, Lord?
I'd promise not to ask him any questions that would disclose trade secrets. Like....
*What do you do where you are now? Are there really choirs of angels? What is the eternal He like?
*Who is there with you? Who is not?
*What is going to happen tomorrow? Will the children have happy lives?
*What is the answer to the problem of suffering?
*Will the stock market go up or down?
*How does it feel in transition?
*When do I finally join you? How will it happen? Should I worry about making it at all?
Even if I asked, he wouldn't answer, Lord. You know how careful he was about keeping confidences.
And if there's any question, I'll gladly sign whatever contract you wish. "The party of the second part (that's me) agrees not to ask any questions about what goes on After. And the party of the first part (that's You) agrees that X can spend one hour each year with his wife."
If its a problem, he and I don't even need to talk. Just sitting holding hands would be fine, and to see him smile once again. Could the children be there too, for maybe 15 minutes? Or am I pushing my luck?
Yes, I realize that he is in a more advanced state now, one I cannot even begin to comprehend. So maybe if we did talk, it would be hard for me to understand him. But thats okay, too. Anyway, maybe you could temporarily block out or delete the advanced knowledge. I would be perfectly happy to see him just the way he was.
I know Lord, it would mean my having to let him go again, until next time. And that would never be easy. No matter how many times I do it. But it would also mean being able to say hello again the next time, instead of waiting it out along the long corridor of years.
I know, Lord, his spirit is with me now. And don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for that.
But still, would it be asking too much to ask for more? Just one hour out of so many?
Would it be so difficult? For you who raised the mountains from the sea and scattered the stars and envisioned giraffes and butterflies?
Could you not let me have just one week, one day, one hour? To get me through until I join You and all the others and the hour moves out of time?"
I think everything caught up with me this week. By yesterday after noon I felt like I was either going to die of exhaustion or at the very least have a nervous breakdown. Luckliy, Melissa volunteered to keep the kids for the night and give me a break. During my 24 hours without them I went to the cemetery, cleaned the house, did 6 loads of laundry, ironed clothes, and met with some of Joe's friends (trying to get ready to sell all his belongings) It was a nice break from the kids, but it wasn't very relaxing. Its strange because I'm always so busy and just wish for some alone time to sit and do nothing, but when I finally have that time I can't sit still. If I sit still for more than 2 minutes, I start to feel myself about to break down and have to get up and find something to do. I can't stand the silence of sitting quietly. I'm completely wearing myself out.
Its hard to go in the shop and see all of Joe's tools and equipment being priced. I know its something I have to do, and I know he would want me to, but it doesn't make it any easier. I can look around in there and can practically see him standing at his bike lift working on his bike. I can envision the kids running around at his feet trying to help him, like they did so many weekend afternoons. I can remember so vividly sitting on the stool beside him, drinking a beer, and just talking for hours while the kids slept inside. There's memories everywhere I turn. But I keep reminding myself that its just stuff.....what would Joe want me to do? I know the answer to that....he'd sell it in a heartbeat.
I used to cry every time he would leave me here to go on a trip, even just for a weekend, even for work. He hated that! He said I made him feel so guilty for leaving. I knew it made him feel bad, and thats partially why I did it. I hated being here without him, and I wanted him to know it. I would count the hours until he's be home. Last year when he was working the hurricane damage, I cried everyday on the phone wth him. I didn't want him there. He would be gone for 1-2 weeks at a time, and I thought it was the worst thing in the world.When he would call to say he was coming home for the weekend the kids and I would be so excited. I can remember him hating it too. One night he came home after being gone for two weeks and he swore that Dylan had grown since last time he had seen him. I could see on his face and in his voice how much that bothered him. Our family was so important to both of us, and we didn't like it being split up. The kids and I wanted him here, and he wanted to be here with us as well.
Its been 4 months since he died and I think its just starting to hit me that he's really gone....forever. I was driving home tonight with the kids and I caught myself thinking about how excited Dylan and Camryn would be if he walked in the house. And then it hit me....that will never happen. It was a scary realization.The idea of never seeing him again is more than I can take. Its like my mind still can't even process that thought. When we got married I remember thinking that the word "forever" seemed daunting.....but that word has become even scarier now. To know that I have to live the rest of my life without him, forever, is the scariest thing I've ever had to face.
And I have another excerpt from a book that sums up my feelings perfectly:
"If only I knew it wouldn't be so long before I saw him again, Lord, I could get through this.
If only I knew that I could see him once a year for a week, I could handle being a widow. Not easily. But it would be better than the indefinite wait.
There would still be the dark days. But at least there would be a light in this long tunnel of grief.
If only I could be with him.....
*for a week, once a year. Just one week out of 52. Is that asking too much?
*all right, so maybe even just for a day, one day out of 365. Surely you could spare one day out of an eternity of them?
*Or even an hour a year. One hour out of 8,760. Surely that is not unreasonable, Lord?
I'd promise not to ask him any questions that would disclose trade secrets. Like....
*What do you do where you are now? Are there really choirs of angels? What is the eternal He like?
*Who is there with you? Who is not?
*What is going to happen tomorrow? Will the children have happy lives?
*What is the answer to the problem of suffering?
*Will the stock market go up or down?
*How does it feel in transition?
*When do I finally join you? How will it happen? Should I worry about making it at all?
Even if I asked, he wouldn't answer, Lord. You know how careful he was about keeping confidences.
And if there's any question, I'll gladly sign whatever contract you wish. "The party of the second part (that's me) agrees not to ask any questions about what goes on After. And the party of the first part (that's You) agrees that X can spend one hour each year with his wife."
If its a problem, he and I don't even need to talk. Just sitting holding hands would be fine, and to see him smile once again. Could the children be there too, for maybe 15 minutes? Or am I pushing my luck?
Yes, I realize that he is in a more advanced state now, one I cannot even begin to comprehend. So maybe if we did talk, it would be hard for me to understand him. But thats okay, too. Anyway, maybe you could temporarily block out or delete the advanced knowledge. I would be perfectly happy to see him just the way he was.
I know Lord, it would mean my having to let him go again, until next time. And that would never be easy. No matter how many times I do it. But it would also mean being able to say hello again the next time, instead of waiting it out along the long corridor of years.
I know, Lord, his spirit is with me now. And don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for that.
But still, would it be asking too much to ask for more? Just one hour out of so many?
Would it be so difficult? For you who raised the mountains from the sea and scattered the stars and envisioned giraffes and butterflies?
Could you not let me have just one week, one day, one hour? To get me through until I join You and all the others and the hour moves out of time?"
February 19, 2007
Joe and I both always figured I would be the one to die first....I'm awful at taking care of myself....I'm the smoker, I'm the distracted driver, I've had a history of health problems (most recently my doctor suspected kidney disease...but was wrong), I don't eat right, I don't get enough sleep, and the list could continue.
Not long before Joe died I remember having a conversation with him about dying. We were mainly just teasing but I remember telling him that if I died I wanted him to get remarried. He was quick to shoot that idea down but I insisted that I would want him to find someone to be the mother figure for our children. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but the main point here is that I could envision myself dying and leaving my family behind, but I never fathomed HIM being the one to leave us.
Once again, this came from a book I've been reading:
"Why couldn't I have been the one to go first, my love? I know you didn't have any choice in the matter. But still....
I used to say to you, conscious of the approaching years, "If you have any sense of decency, you'll let me go first."
"Isn't that rather selfish of you?" you would ask.
"Of course it is," I said, selfishly. "But I still want to go first."
It didn't work out that way.
You would have handled it better, if I had gone first.
You would have been that desirable creature--the extra, eligible man.
I am that problem person--the extra woman.
You could have taken refuge in one of your spontaneous, unexpected naps and escaped briefly into sleep.
You know I always had a touch of insomnia.
You, who always held doors open and stood back to let others through before you, went first through the one door I wish you would have held for me.
I keep pounding and crying, "Come back, come back." But the door stays closed.
I keep pounding and crying, "Can't you open it just a crack and let something through---a wisper, a dream?" But the door stays closed.
Tell me my courteous love, is there a closed door somewhere waiting for you to hold open for me so that we'll be together on the other side?"
Not long before Joe died I remember having a conversation with him about dying. We were mainly just teasing but I remember telling him that if I died I wanted him to get remarried. He was quick to shoot that idea down but I insisted that I would want him to find someone to be the mother figure for our children. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but the main point here is that I could envision myself dying and leaving my family behind, but I never fathomed HIM being the one to leave us.
Once again, this came from a book I've been reading:
"Why couldn't I have been the one to go first, my love? I know you didn't have any choice in the matter. But still....
I used to say to you, conscious of the approaching years, "If you have any sense of decency, you'll let me go first."
"Isn't that rather selfish of you?" you would ask.
"Of course it is," I said, selfishly. "But I still want to go first."
It didn't work out that way.
You would have handled it better, if I had gone first.
You would have been that desirable creature--the extra, eligible man.
I am that problem person--the extra woman.
You could have taken refuge in one of your spontaneous, unexpected naps and escaped briefly into sleep.
You know I always had a touch of insomnia.
You, who always held doors open and stood back to let others through before you, went first through the one door I wish you would have held for me.
I keep pounding and crying, "Come back, come back." But the door stays closed.
I keep pounding and crying, "Can't you open it just a crack and let something through---a wisper, a dream?" But the door stays closed.
Tell me my courteous love, is there a closed door somewhere waiting for you to hold open for me so that we'll be together on the other side?"
February 17, 2007
I have no idea how Dylan does these things (black eye, bruises, cuts, scrapes), but yesterday he managed to top himself. He fell off the dining room chair and managed to completely mangle his thumb. After 30 minutes of bleeding all over the house, nonstop screaming, and a fingernail hanging off, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to take him the the doctor. His pediatrician wasn't in the office at the time, and none of her partners had an opening, so I loaded him up in nothing but a diaper and headed for the closest Quick Care office. I didn't even notice until I was half way there that I was still in my pajamas, that were now covered in blood! We arrived at Quick Care only to be turned away. I was told that as bad as it was we would need to go to the ER. So off we went. I got there got him signed in and began waiting only to be told that the wait would be unusually long because several ambulances had just arrived. So I called my pediatrician at home (I'm sure she now regrets ever giving me the number!) I told her what was going on and she called one of her partners and he agreed to see us. So off we went again, in 35 degree weather, with Dylan still wearing nothing but a diaper. After waiting at the pediatrician's office for about an hour we were finally seen. They did an x-ray, and it showed that on top of the bleeding and ripped off nail, he also broke his thumb! Its so swollen that they really didn't want to mess with it at all. He has an appointment with a hand specialist/surgeon Monday morning. At least he's on a pretty good pain mediacation to get us through the weekend.
I was thinking about everything today and I remembered one time right after I started staying home with the kids....I was cleaning the bathtub, and when I turned around and looked at Dylan, who was 13 months old at the time, he looked like he was foaming at the mouth. Then I looked at his hand and he was holding the container of Comet. My first reaction was to call Joe, just like always, and ask him what the hell I should do. My next call was to poison control . He ended up being fine. But Joe loved to make fun of me, and say what a great job I was doing as a stay at home mom. It had only been two weeks, and I was already having to call poison control!
Since he died, Camryn dropped a cup on her toe and lost her toenail, Dylan fell and almost bit through his tongue, and Dylan has mangled his thumb so bad that he may have to have surgery.....I can only imagine what he's thinking about my parenting skills now!
I was thinking about everything today and I remembered one time right after I started staying home with the kids....I was cleaning the bathtub, and when I turned around and looked at Dylan, who was 13 months old at the time, he looked like he was foaming at the mouth. Then I looked at his hand and he was holding the container of Comet. My first reaction was to call Joe, just like always, and ask him what the hell I should do. My next call was to poison control . He ended up being fine. But Joe loved to make fun of me, and say what a great job I was doing as a stay at home mom. It had only been two weeks, and I was already having to call poison control!
Since he died, Camryn dropped a cup on her toe and lost her toenail, Dylan fell and almost bit through his tongue, and Dylan has mangled his thumb so bad that he may have to have surgery.....I can only imagine what he's thinking about my parenting skills now!
February 13, 2007
The following is an excerpt from a book I have, "The Death of a Husband":
Hug me.
Try to understand me.
Listen to me as you'd want to be listened to.
Meet me for lunch, coffee, dinner.
But stop with the stiffen-your-spine exhortations already.
They don't help. They do hurt.
Hold my hand.
Lend me a book.
Don't pity me.
Weep with me.
Share your grief with me, and I'll weep with you.
But don't pretend that if you ignore it, it will go away.
If it hurts to hear about it, think how it feels from the inside!
Hug me.
Try to understand me.
Listen to me as you'd want to be listened to.
Meet me for lunch, coffee, dinner.
But stop with the stiffen-your-spine exhortations already.
They don't help. They do hurt.
Hold my hand.
Lend me a book.
Don't pity me.
Weep with me.
Share your grief with me, and I'll weep with you.
But don't pretend that if you ignore it, it will go away.
If it hurts to hear about it, think how it feels from the inside!
February 12, 2007
couples
I got something in the mail that was like someone putting a dagger through my heart. It was addressed to "Tracy and guest". I thought it was junk mail, but I opened it anyway. It was an invitation to a wedding shower....a "couple's" shower. The fact that I'm no longer a couple was just thrown in my face. Granted, I know I was invited out of kindness; its a good friend of Joe's that is getting married. And we would have no doubt been there if Joe was still here. But, it was still hard to see for several reasons.
Being addressed to "Tracy and guest" was probably the the worst part. Again, I'm not just the average single person that might possibly have a date to bring. I'm a widow of only 3 months. The person who I'm a couple with is dead.
I went ahead and ordered them a present and I will make sure it is taken to the shower by someone, but not by me. There's no way I can attend this event. I can't go and pretend that it doesn't bother me to be around a bunch of couples....people who still have the person they are in love with. I should be going with him .
I would never wish the pain I'm in on anyone, but I still can't help but be bitter, and wonder why it had to be him. And why I have to be the one going through this.
I got something in the mail that was like someone putting a dagger through my heart. It was addressed to "Tracy and guest". I thought it was junk mail, but I opened it anyway. It was an invitation to a wedding shower....a "couple's" shower. The fact that I'm no longer a couple was just thrown in my face. Granted, I know I was invited out of kindness; its a good friend of Joe's that is getting married. And we would have no doubt been there if Joe was still here. But, it was still hard to see for several reasons.
Being addressed to "Tracy and guest" was probably the the worst part. Again, I'm not just the average single person that might possibly have a date to bring. I'm a widow of only 3 months. The person who I'm a couple with is dead.
I went ahead and ordered them a present and I will make sure it is taken to the shower by someone, but not by me. There's no way I can attend this event. I can't go and pretend that it doesn't bother me to be around a bunch of couples....people who still have the person they are in love with. I should be going with him .
I would never wish the pain I'm in on anyone, but I still can't help but be bitter, and wonder why it had to be him. And why I have to be the one going through this.
February 11, 2007
same as divorce? Category: Life
In the past 3 months I've read a lot of books and articles, and talked to a lot of people. One thing I've noticed is the comparison of divorce to losing a spouse to death . I do recognize the similarities....both situations require you to learn how to live by yourself again. Possibly raise your kids alone. Face the holidays alone. Make decisions alone. And more.
BUT, as a widow, my husband was taken away from me without me being given a choice. I didn't get to sign a paper saying I agreed to this. THIS WAS NOT THE DAMN PLAN!!
~My kids don't get to see thair dad on the weekends or on holidays. They can't send him a valentine card in the mail; they get to put one on his grave instead.
~I don't get to send them to their dad's house and get a break. I have to take care of them 24 hours a day.
~I don't have the positive outlook of finding someone else someday.....I never wanted to spend my life with anyone but him.
~Divorced women can work fulltime and still receive child support. I don't get child support....I receive social secuity, which isn't enough to live on. But if I go back to work I'll quit getting it.
~I don't resent my husband or think about the bad parts of our marriage...I still love him and will forever miss him. And all I can remember are the good things and how awesome he treated me, and how I'll never have that again.
~I promise that if I had been given a choice or a paper to sign I would NOT have signed off on this.
In the past 3 months I've read a lot of books and articles, and talked to a lot of people. One thing I've noticed is the comparison of divorce to losing a spouse to death . I do recognize the similarities....both situations require you to learn how to live by yourself again. Possibly raise your kids alone. Face the holidays alone. Make decisions alone. And more.
BUT, as a widow, my husband was taken away from me without me being given a choice. I didn't get to sign a paper saying I agreed to this. THIS WAS NOT THE DAMN PLAN!!
~My kids don't get to see thair dad on the weekends or on holidays. They can't send him a valentine card in the mail; they get to put one on his grave instead.
~I don't get to send them to their dad's house and get a break. I have to take care of them 24 hours a day.
~I don't have the positive outlook of finding someone else someday.....I never wanted to spend my life with anyone but him.
~Divorced women can work fulltime and still receive child support. I don't get child support....I receive social secuity, which isn't enough to live on. But if I go back to work I'll quit getting it.
~I don't resent my husband or think about the bad parts of our marriage...I still love him and will forever miss him. And all I can remember are the good things and how awesome he treated me, and how I'll never have that again.
~I promise that if I had been given a choice or a paper to sign I would NOT have signed off on this.
February 5, 2007
Since the day after day Joe died I have been looking for two letters. One was written from him to me on Christmas of 1999....our first Christmas that we were married. When he asked me what I wanted that year, I told him all I wanted was for him to write me a "love letter". He laughed and said there was no way. But he did it :) It may have been somewhat forced by me, but he still did it. That was the one and only time he ever wrote to me.....and now I'm so glad I "forced" him to do it! The other one was written to him by me last Valentines Day (2006). I have searched the whole house and garage for them and was finally convinced that they must have been thrown away some how. Well, today I was going through some boxes of kids clothes getting ready to sell them, and in the bottom of one of the boxes I found them.
My dearest Tracy,
At first this was going to be one of the most difficult gifts ever to give. But after a little thought and some paper, it was really easy.
Its so easy to love you; you're beautiful, caring, compassionate, very smart, and no matter how much you don't understand me or my ways, you still love me.
I know you will be happy to receive this, but the real gift here is you. Which I should thank your parents for that.
I had really given up on a lifelong commitment until you came into my life. This is the best Christmas ever, our first together.
Of all I have in my life you are my most cherished, I know I tell you, but do you really know how much I love you?
With you, I feel an equal give and receive of love. Something I've never felt before. Even when we are apart, I feel a need to be with you. That desire can only be love, love for you..
I know we may face difficult times in our relationship, but always remember our greatest Christmas gift to eachother was each other.
I Love You Always, Joe
Joe,
In all the commotion with the kids, I somehow ended up without a card for you. I thought about going to buy today, but I decided to write you instead.
Valentine's Day is just another day to us, but I still wanted to tell you how much I love you. I remember you sending me roses 8 years ago, on our first Valentines Day together. It seems like yesterday in a way, but at the same time its amazing how much has changed. If someone had asked me that day where I would be in 8 years I never would have guessed that I'd be married to you, graduated college, teaching, have 2 kids, you having your own business, and now me a full-time mom!
I love you so much, and I love the life we have built together. You and the kids are my whole world, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I walked into Power Cleaning for an interview I was just looking for a way to pay the bills; I had no idea I would find someone to spend my life with. I'm so glad I took that job! I found these papers in a box today and wanted to show you, as a reminder of the fun, easy times we used to share together. Things aren't as easy and fun right now with the kids, and its hard to remember those times. But I love you even more today.
So yes, Valentine's Day is just another day, but its also one more day of our life together, which makes it a pretty special day. Happy Valentine's Day!
I Love You, Tracy
With that letter I included two papers we had painted with watercolors 8 years earlier after babysitting my niece. Mine said "I Love You" and his said "Joe Loves Tracy (most)"
I doubt that most people realized that Joe had a side to him like that, but thats what I saw from him all the time. I always refered to him as "my knight in shining armor" and he truly was. I'm sure people would also be surprised to know that we were still that much in love after 9 years and two kids. But I wrote him that letter only 8 months before he died, and it shows how deeply we still loved each other. Looking back, I'm so glad I wrote that to him.....since it was our last Valentine's Day together. I could be wrong, but I think a lot of people live their whole lives not experiencing the kind of love we had. And as sad as I am that he's not here with me now, I consider myself blessed to have had him at all.
My dearest Tracy,
At first this was going to be one of the most difficult gifts ever to give. But after a little thought and some paper, it was really easy.
Its so easy to love you; you're beautiful, caring, compassionate, very smart, and no matter how much you don't understand me or my ways, you still love me.
I know you will be happy to receive this, but the real gift here is you. Which I should thank your parents for that.
I had really given up on a lifelong commitment until you came into my life. This is the best Christmas ever, our first together.
Of all I have in my life you are my most cherished, I know I tell you, but do you really know how much I love you?
With you, I feel an equal give and receive of love. Something I've never felt before. Even when we are apart, I feel a need to be with you. That desire can only be love, love for you..
I know we may face difficult times in our relationship, but always remember our greatest Christmas gift to eachother was each other.
I Love You Always, Joe
Joe,
In all the commotion with the kids, I somehow ended up without a card for you. I thought about going to buy today, but I decided to write you instead.
Valentine's Day is just another day to us, but I still wanted to tell you how much I love you. I remember you sending me roses 8 years ago, on our first Valentines Day together. It seems like yesterday in a way, but at the same time its amazing how much has changed. If someone had asked me that day where I would be in 8 years I never would have guessed that I'd be married to you, graduated college, teaching, have 2 kids, you having your own business, and now me a full-time mom!
I love you so much, and I love the life we have built together. You and the kids are my whole world, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I walked into Power Cleaning for an interview I was just looking for a way to pay the bills; I had no idea I would find someone to spend my life with. I'm so glad I took that job! I found these papers in a box today and wanted to show you, as a reminder of the fun, easy times we used to share together. Things aren't as easy and fun right now with the kids, and its hard to remember those times. But I love you even more today.
So yes, Valentine's Day is just another day, but its also one more day of our life together, which makes it a pretty special day. Happy Valentine's Day!
I Love You, Tracy
With that letter I included two papers we had painted with watercolors 8 years earlier after babysitting my niece. Mine said "I Love You" and his said "Joe Loves Tracy (most)"
I doubt that most people realized that Joe had a side to him like that, but thats what I saw from him all the time. I always refered to him as "my knight in shining armor" and he truly was. I'm sure people would also be surprised to know that we were still that much in love after 9 years and two kids. But I wrote him that letter only 8 months before he died, and it shows how deeply we still loved each other. Looking back, I'm so glad I wrote that to him.....since it was our last Valentine's Day together. I could be wrong, but I think a lot of people live their whole lives not experiencing the kind of love we had. And as sad as I am that he's not here with me now, I consider myself blessed to have had him at all.
February 4, 2007
Its been a month since last posting. Today is Super Bowl Sunday. We went to church.Camryn is sick. Dylan fell yesterday and almost bit through his tongue. Great weekend. It would have been a bad weekend regardless, but it makes it worse when things are going so bad, and Joe's not here to help me. But we're making it. Melissa came over after church, brought Camryn some medicine, watched home videos with us, and she GRILLED HAMBURGERS!!! I didn't think I'd ever see this grill used again because that was Joe's job.....I have no idea what to do with a grill! But Melissa pulled it out and grilled us all hamburgers. Joe would be impressed!
I'm glad the holidays are over. Within the time of two months I had to face the death of my husband, Thanksgiving, a benefit, Christmas, our baby's birthday, New Years, and my 18 week ultrasound to find out the sex of our new baby. I couldn't have been more of a basket case. I'm still not great, and still feel like I never will be. But I do appreciate everything people are doing for me. As bad as I feel, I can't imagine how bad I would feel without the love and support of all our friends. As soon as I start to feel like things are spinning out of control and that I can't go on, someone calls and lifts my spirits, or show up with medicine for me/the kids, brings dinner, or helps me with something around the house. And it brings me back from the dark place I've been, at least temporarily.
The day after Joe died someone said something that I try to remember. I made a comment to Keith about how many friends Joe had, and he said "we're not just Joe's friends, we're you're friends too". That means a lot to me, and I know how much it would mean to Joe. I just wonder if he knew what great friends "we" had? I hope so.
I'm glad the holidays are over. Within the time of two months I had to face the death of my husband, Thanksgiving, a benefit, Christmas, our baby's birthday, New Years, and my 18 week ultrasound to find out the sex of our new baby. I couldn't have been more of a basket case. I'm still not great, and still feel like I never will be. But I do appreciate everything people are doing for me. As bad as I feel, I can't imagine how bad I would feel without the love and support of all our friends. As soon as I start to feel like things are spinning out of control and that I can't go on, someone calls and lifts my spirits, or show up with medicine for me/the kids, brings dinner, or helps me with something around the house. And it brings me back from the dark place I've been, at least temporarily.
The day after Joe died someone said something that I try to remember. I made a comment to Keith about how many friends Joe had, and he said "we're not just Joe's friends, we're you're friends too". That means a lot to me, and I know how much it would mean to Joe. I just wonder if he knew what great friends "we" had? I hope so.
december 30, 2006
Tonight was Dylan's birthday party. He turned 2 years old. It was heartbreaking to know that his daddy is not here to see his baby boy turn 2 years old. There were a ton of people here to be with us, but it really didn't help....all the presents in the world aren't enough to make up for the fact that his daddy is gone. Camryn is having such a great time lately because she's getting so much attention from everyone, but at the same time she just wants her daddy here and I can tell she would trade all this attention just to have her daddy back, and a sane mommy again.
I can't believe that only 2 years ago Joe and I were sitting in a hospital room with our baby boy. And now he's gone. No one understands what I'm going through. Its been 2 months since Joe was killed and there are some people who actually think I should be doing OK by now. And there are other people who actually think I am doing OK. Do they not realize that just because I get up and get dressed when people come over does NOT mean that everything is OK? I guess they don't realize that when I'm alone in this house with the kids all I do is lay in the bed and cry for hours at a time. I stay up all night thinking about him and my mind is flooded with memories.
What the hell is wrong with people? I know they miss him too, but not like I do. I miss everything about him...sleeping in the bed with him, his snoring, waking up and having him cook pancakes with the kids, sitting around drinking coffee, seeing him on the floor playing with the kids, having him help me put the kids to bed, sitting and watching TV with him, him rubbing my back EVERY night as I went to sleep. I can't even get dressed without crying because I can imagine what he might say about a new shirt, etc. I cry everytime I notice my ever growing pregnant belly because he's not here to pat it and tell me how cute it is.
No one can understand my pain and my loss because they have no idea how special our relationship was. As much as I hate being in this house alone, I still wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone sometimes because it might be better to be alone than to be around people who always say the wrong thing, or act like everything is OK, or going to be OK.....nothing will ever be ok again
I can't believe that only 2 years ago Joe and I were sitting in a hospital room with our baby boy. And now he's gone. No one understands what I'm going through. Its been 2 months since Joe was killed and there are some people who actually think I should be doing OK by now. And there are other people who actually think I am doing OK. Do they not realize that just because I get up and get dressed when people come over does NOT mean that everything is OK? I guess they don't realize that when I'm alone in this house with the kids all I do is lay in the bed and cry for hours at a time. I stay up all night thinking about him and my mind is flooded with memories.
What the hell is wrong with people? I know they miss him too, but not like I do. I miss everything about him...sleeping in the bed with him, his snoring, waking up and having him cook pancakes with the kids, sitting around drinking coffee, seeing him on the floor playing with the kids, having him help me put the kids to bed, sitting and watching TV with him, him rubbing my back EVERY night as I went to sleep. I can't even get dressed without crying because I can imagine what he might say about a new shirt, etc. I cry everytime I notice my ever growing pregnant belly because he's not here to pat it and tell me how cute it is.
No one can understand my pain and my loss because they have no idea how special our relationship was. As much as I hate being in this house alone, I still wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone sometimes because it might be better to be alone than to be around people who always say the wrong thing, or act like everything is OK, or going to be OK.....nothing will ever be ok again
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