I was informed yesterday that the man who hit Joe pled guilty and will face sentencing in a couple of weeks. Not surprisingly, he has chosen to be sentenced by the judge, rather than by a jury. However, he will appear in court and I'll be there and will be given the opporunity to give an impact statement. I'm supposed to write a paper that lets him know how his actions have and will effect our lives. I get to read it to him and he is unable to respond to what I say.
I sat down last night to write my statement. Where do I begin? How do I sum up our huge loss in a 5 minute speech? No matter what I say he will never fully understand our loss, or what its doing to the lives of me and my children.
Oh, by the way Nemo is alive! He hid out in his little light house for about 12 hours and then decided to come out. So no fish funeral needed, yet.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
September 18, 2007
Its 2:45am and I just walked over by our fish tank and realized its been a while since we've fed him. "A while" means that its been so long that I don't remember. So I turned his light on, tapped on the glass, and put some food in. No sign of little Nemo. He's in his little ceramic light house. So I start frantically shaking the aquarium...still no Nemo. What the hell am I supposed to do with a dead fish. Fish that are alive are nasty enough....but a DEAD one, what am I supposed to do with that? This is when Joe is supposed to walk in and dispose of it. Not me. And what about the kids? Camryn is already turning in prayer requests at school for my childhood dogs, Rags and Jo-Jo. One who died and one who ran away. How is she going to react to her very own pet dying? She reminds me daily that Nemo is her first pet, and how special he is to her. How am I supposed to explain to her that momma killed him? Oh, wait....it is her pet. I can totally avoid blame for this. She was the one who was supposed to feed him afterall, right? So what if she can't reach it without my help. She is 5 years old now....she needs to take some responsibility. This is totally NOT my fault.
September 14, 2007
I always gave Joe a hard time about spending too much money and not having any savings. His response was always "well, I can't take it with me, I might as well enjoy it now" He was right he couldn't take it with him, but he sure the hell could have left it here with us!
My checking account balance is currently more than $300 overdrawn. I have NEVER had this happen before in my life. I have had to really worry about money since I was about 22 years old. If I needed money, it was there. If I just wanted money it was there. When I quit working in 2005 Joe started giving me $5,000 a month to pay bills and anything else we needed. I didn't even pay all the bills....he paid for a lot of them through his business. I only paid about $2,500 worth of bills and the rest was spent on groceries and anything else I wanted. And still if I needed more, he would have covered it. Now I'm supporting three kids and paying all the bills on about 1/2 that amount.
Today Dylan needed to go to the doctor and when we got in the car my gas light came on. I had no money and seeing that I have a negative balance, I couldn't use my debit card. I started crying because I knew we didn't have enough gas to get to Shreveport and back. Dylan went and got his piggy bank for me. I started crying more. I gave him his bank back, went to Joe's closet and found $5 in quarters. We went to the doctor and got gas on our way home. I haven't gotten $5 in gas since the early 90s. It doesn't go very far anymore snce gas is so expensive. My gas light was still on, but it did get us home. Hopefully tomorrow our social security check will have gone through and I'll have access to some money. But the car note and house note are both late, so I have a feeling we'll be in the same situation this month.
Next week I'm canceling call waiting and caller ID, and I might even cancel internet service. I'm trying to think of anything to save a few dollars. A few days ago Camryn brought home a t-shirt order form from school for a t-shirt they can wear to school on designated days. I couldn't order one. Today was jean day for her and she doesn't have any jeans. And I couldn't just go buy her a pair. She's going to have to wait until I can save up enough money to buy her a pair.
I can not believe this is how life is going to be from now on. Such a drastic change from where we were a year ago. If Joe can see us, I know his heart is breaking. He would have never wanted us to have to live like this. He prided himself on being able to provide us with nice things, with anything we wanted. And now here we are at a point where I don't even know how I'll pay for baby formula each week.
My checking account balance is currently more than $300 overdrawn. I have NEVER had this happen before in my life. I have had to really worry about money since I was about 22 years old. If I needed money, it was there. If I just wanted money it was there. When I quit working in 2005 Joe started giving me $5,000 a month to pay bills and anything else we needed. I didn't even pay all the bills....he paid for a lot of them through his business. I only paid about $2,500 worth of bills and the rest was spent on groceries and anything else I wanted. And still if I needed more, he would have covered it. Now I'm supporting three kids and paying all the bills on about 1/2 that amount.
Today Dylan needed to go to the doctor and when we got in the car my gas light came on. I had no money and seeing that I have a negative balance, I couldn't use my debit card. I started crying because I knew we didn't have enough gas to get to Shreveport and back. Dylan went and got his piggy bank for me. I started crying more. I gave him his bank back, went to Joe's closet and found $5 in quarters. We went to the doctor and got gas on our way home. I haven't gotten $5 in gas since the early 90s. It doesn't go very far anymore snce gas is so expensive. My gas light was still on, but it did get us home. Hopefully tomorrow our social security check will have gone through and I'll have access to some money. But the car note and house note are both late, so I have a feeling we'll be in the same situation this month.
Next week I'm canceling call waiting and caller ID, and I might even cancel internet service. I'm trying to think of anything to save a few dollars. A few days ago Camryn brought home a t-shirt order form from school for a t-shirt they can wear to school on designated days. I couldn't order one. Today was jean day for her and she doesn't have any jeans. And I couldn't just go buy her a pair. She's going to have to wait until I can save up enough money to buy her a pair.
I can not believe this is how life is going to be from now on. Such a drastic change from where we were a year ago. If Joe can see us, I know his heart is breaking. He would have never wanted us to have to live like this. He prided himself on being able to provide us with nice things, with anything we wanted. And now here we are at a point where I don't even know how I'll pay for baby formula each week.
September 12, 2007
I'm banning Rice Krispies from my house. I will never buy them or eat them again. Why? Because of their commercials. NOTHING could make me feel like a worse mother than those damn commercials. If I didn't already have kids I swear I would want them when I see those commercials. But I know now that its not really like that in real life....all peaceful, calm, and clean. Like I reallly have a chance to sit with my kids and listen quietly to the rice krispies snap, krackle, and pop, or watch the milk turn chocolate. And if I did find a few minutes to do that we wouldn't be able to hear it anyway because of all the noise that comes along with kids. And by some chance if it was quiet and I had 5 minutes to sit with them, you can bet my counters and table wouldn't be clean.
September 10, 2007
We started soccer this weekend. Tonight was Camryn's second practice. As we were driving there tonight all the memories came flooding back from last year. Joe went to every practice and game with us. We would ride in his truck and when we got there he would put Camryn on the edge of his tool box in the bed of his truck and put her shin guards and cleats on. He would push them both in the wagon or I would push Dylan and Camryn would ride on his shoulders. He helped coach her team. After just about every game we would go driving around looking for a house or property. He loved every minute of it. It was something he could finally do with Camryn that they both really enjoyed.
I hate that he's not here to see how much better she's gotten in the past year. Or how she knew exactly what to do. And how she would kick the ball into the goal. I hate that he's wasn't here to roll his eyes when at Saturday's practice it was her turn to kick the ball and she just stopped....and told the coach so seriously that it felt like the desert out there and that she wished it was snowing. Or that he can't be here to see her and Dylan climb the dirt "mountain" (as they call it) that is as high as our roof, and come running down the other side.
Its been almost a year since he died. So the memories from this time last year are the ones freshest in my mind. Out of all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc that I've had to face, none of them compare to facing the next two months of memories.
I hate that he's not here to see how much better she's gotten in the past year. Or how she knew exactly what to do. And how she would kick the ball into the goal. I hate that he's wasn't here to roll his eyes when at Saturday's practice it was her turn to kick the ball and she just stopped....and told the coach so seriously that it felt like the desert out there and that she wished it was snowing. Or that he can't be here to see her and Dylan climb the dirt "mountain" (as they call it) that is as high as our roof, and come running down the other side.
Its been almost a year since he died. So the memories from this time last year are the ones freshest in my mind. Out of all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc that I've had to face, none of them compare to facing the next two months of memories.
September 9, 2007
Yep, today was my birthday. 33 years old. It's the first time in my life I've actually felt older than I am.
Last night we went to the boardwalk with my parents. Ate dinner and let the kids go shopping for a present for me. I got pink Nike flip-flops and a pink shirt....can you tell Camryn was the one picking things out? They were perfect gifts though....things I'll actually get some use out of.
Today we went to church. I dressed the girls in matching dresses and even took the time to pick out a coordinating green polo for Dylan to wear. We were walking out the door when I looked down at Dylan and saw that he had chocolate milk all over his shirt. I got him a new shirt and then noticed it was all over his khaki shorts too....and even on his socks! And all over the carpet too. Apparently he decided to spit out every drink he took. So I had to change every piece of clothing he had on. In all the chaos I totally forgot it was even my birthday. Several people at church knew somehow though...I even got a couple of cards.
So we came home and I felt like shit from this cold I have. And Courtlyn still doesn't feel good either. So her and I laid down for a little while. When I got up I looked around at this house and decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made the kids lunch and started yelling that I was going to get rid of all the damn toys in the house. I think I even yelled the phrase "happy damn birthday to me" So the kids sat in their chairs staring at me while I had a breakdown and started bagging up their toys. When they finished their lunch I had them start helping me. We bagged up 5 lawn bags full of toys....no more Dora house (and the 100 pieces that go with it), no more Little People (and the 800 pieces with it), no more play kitchen (and food/dishes with it), no more playhouse tent, and a whole lot more. Once I cleaned all that out I was able to rearrrange some other stuff, like plants from the funeral. Overall I ended up in a much better mood because it made such a difference in this house. Even Camryn was happy with it. Our house hasn't looked this clutter free since Joe died. I used to always go through toys and clean things out, but I haven't felt up to it in a long time. It was way over due. Maybe now Dylan will start actually playing with things rather than just dumping them on the floor, and moving on to something else.
About the time we were finishing up my neighbors showed up with a present and cupcakes. So after dinner the kids sang happy birthday to me as I brought them their cupcakes. I felt too sick to even eat one....but they enjoyed them anyway.
Then before baths we cleaned up more toys, while Courtlyn proceeded to see if she could actually make my head explode with her screaming. I think she was real close to succeeding when I finally realized she had a dirty diaper. Seriously, how can this be my third child and I not know to check a damn diaper.
I eventually got them all bathed and in bed. And now its 10:30pm and I'm going to clean the bathrooms and do laundry. Happy damn birthday to me.
Last night we went to the boardwalk with my parents. Ate dinner and let the kids go shopping for a present for me. I got pink Nike flip-flops and a pink shirt....can you tell Camryn was the one picking things out? They were perfect gifts though....things I'll actually get some use out of.
Today we went to church. I dressed the girls in matching dresses and even took the time to pick out a coordinating green polo for Dylan to wear. We were walking out the door when I looked down at Dylan and saw that he had chocolate milk all over his shirt. I got him a new shirt and then noticed it was all over his khaki shorts too....and even on his socks! And all over the carpet too. Apparently he decided to spit out every drink he took. So I had to change every piece of clothing he had on. In all the chaos I totally forgot it was even my birthday. Several people at church knew somehow though...I even got a couple of cards.
So we came home and I felt like shit from this cold I have. And Courtlyn still doesn't feel good either. So her and I laid down for a little while. When I got up I looked around at this house and decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made the kids lunch and started yelling that I was going to get rid of all the damn toys in the house. I think I even yelled the phrase "happy damn birthday to me" So the kids sat in their chairs staring at me while I had a breakdown and started bagging up their toys. When they finished their lunch I had them start helping me. We bagged up 5 lawn bags full of toys....no more Dora house (and the 100 pieces that go with it), no more Little People (and the 800 pieces with it), no more play kitchen (and food/dishes with it), no more playhouse tent, and a whole lot more. Once I cleaned all that out I was able to rearrrange some other stuff, like plants from the funeral. Overall I ended up in a much better mood because it made such a difference in this house. Even Camryn was happy with it. Our house hasn't looked this clutter free since Joe died. I used to always go through toys and clean things out, but I haven't felt up to it in a long time. It was way over due. Maybe now Dylan will start actually playing with things rather than just dumping them on the floor, and moving on to something else.
About the time we were finishing up my neighbors showed up with a present and cupcakes. So after dinner the kids sang happy birthday to me as I brought them their cupcakes. I felt too sick to even eat one....but they enjoyed them anyway.
Then before baths we cleaned up more toys, while Courtlyn proceeded to see if she could actually make my head explode with her screaming. I think she was real close to succeeding when I finally realized she had a dirty diaper. Seriously, how can this be my third child and I not know to check a damn diaper.
I eventually got them all bathed and in bed. And now its 10:30pm and I'm going to clean the bathrooms and do laundry. Happy damn birthday to me.
September 7, 2007
Camryn didn't go to school today. We went to the doctor instead....all 3 kids are sick. I thought I would check her in after our appointment, but when I told her that she said "momma, I'm sick. You can't take me to school." And she was right. She has strep throat. She got a shot, which was a pure nightmare....kicking, screaming, hitting, etc. Dylan and and Courtlyn don't have strep, not yet anyway. But though do have bad coughs and a lot of congestion. So they are both on prescription decongesants and antibiotics. And I'm still giving Camryn Tylenol and Motrin to keep her fever down. So between the three of them I'll be giving out about 16 doses of medicine per day. If I keep it all straight and don't overdose someone it will be a miracle.
We also had a hearing test done on Camryn this afternoon. I mentioned to the doctor at Camryn's 5 year checkup that she seems to not hear a lot of things I say, so we went on and had it tested. So I loaded up all three sick kids this afternoon and headed to the audiology center. Dylan fell sound asleep on the way and I couldn't wake him up. So I had to carry all 34 pounds of him in one arm while I carried Courtlyn in her car seat in the other arm (she weighs 15 pounds without the carseat being added in) and a diaper bag too. We get in the office and Dylan still won't wake up. Then Courtlyn got pissed off in her carseat and started screaming so I was trying to bend over and get her out while still holding him. By the time I got her unbuckled he woke up crying. So I had both of them crying, and wanting to be held. Camryn was saved from the situation because right that moment they called her back by herself for her test. I was so wishing I would be the one called back alone.
To top it all off I'm not coming down with something too. My head is pounding, my eyes are burning, and my ears are killing me. So before we went to the audiologist I rummaged through the medicine cabinet to find something to take. All I could find was benadryl so I took 2. Not a good decision. By the time we were leaving the appointment I could barely hold my eyes open. So we somehow made it home and all I could manage to do was get the baby out of her carseat and take her to the bed with me. I collapsed and slept for two hours. Of course when I woke up the house was destroyed. Camryn and Dylan had pulled out just about everything possible. They even brought in bags full of toys that were in the garage. And there were candy wrappers everywhere. I quickly made them a sandwich, dispensed medicine, gave them a bath, and put them to bed. Now I get to stay up and clean up their mess.
oh, and Camryn's official diagnosis from the audiologist? She's five years old....apparently 5 year olds have selective hearing, and mine has chosen to not listen to her mother. Her hearing is fine.
We also had a hearing test done on Camryn this afternoon. I mentioned to the doctor at Camryn's 5 year checkup that she seems to not hear a lot of things I say, so we went on and had it tested. So I loaded up all three sick kids this afternoon and headed to the audiology center. Dylan fell sound asleep on the way and I couldn't wake him up. So I had to carry all 34 pounds of him in one arm while I carried Courtlyn in her car seat in the other arm (she weighs 15 pounds without the carseat being added in) and a diaper bag too. We get in the office and Dylan still won't wake up. Then Courtlyn got pissed off in her carseat and started screaming so I was trying to bend over and get her out while still holding him. By the time I got her unbuckled he woke up crying. So I had both of them crying, and wanting to be held. Camryn was saved from the situation because right that moment they called her back by herself for her test. I was so wishing I would be the one called back alone.
To top it all off I'm not coming down with something too. My head is pounding, my eyes are burning, and my ears are killing me. So before we went to the audiologist I rummaged through the medicine cabinet to find something to take. All I could find was benadryl so I took 2. Not a good decision. By the time we were leaving the appointment I could barely hold my eyes open. So we somehow made it home and all I could manage to do was get the baby out of her carseat and take her to the bed with me. I collapsed and slept for two hours. Of course when I woke up the house was destroyed. Camryn and Dylan had pulled out just about everything possible. They even brought in bags full of toys that were in the garage. And there were candy wrappers everywhere. I quickly made them a sandwich, dispensed medicine, gave them a bath, and put them to bed. Now I get to stay up and clean up their mess.
oh, and Camryn's official diagnosis from the audiologist? She's five years old....apparently 5 year olds have selective hearing, and mine has chosen to not listen to her mother. Her hearing is fine.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
September 5, 2007
We have finally been busy around here. Camryn is loving dance class, and Dylan and her are both having a great time at AWANA. Soccer starts this weekend....that means we will have something to do every evening other than Thursday and Friday. Being busy definately helps me in a lot of ways. But its also frustrating to try to take all 3 of these kids all over town by myself. But at least I'm too busy and overwhelmed to have time to sit around and get depressed about it.
Tuesday morning while Camryn was at school Dylan and I filled up over 50 water balloons. We surprised Camryn with them after school. I took them outside and they had a blast. I know I haven't been much fun for them since Joe died. He and I used to both do stuff like that with them all the time. But without him here I just haven't had it in me. But the other day I was thinking about all the fun things he would be doing with them if he was here. Its my responsibilty now. He's not here to go outside with them and swing them dangerously high, or give them horse rides, or play hide and seek, or chase them through the house. And for the past 10 months I haven't done a very good job of taking his place. But its time that I did. I have three amazing kids who don't have their daddy here; I'm all they have, and its my responsibility to give them the best life possible....the life they deserve....the life Joe and I dreamed for them.
Tuesday morning while Camryn was at school Dylan and I filled up over 50 water balloons. We surprised Camryn with them after school. I took them outside and they had a blast. I know I haven't been much fun for them since Joe died. He and I used to both do stuff like that with them all the time. But without him here I just haven't had it in me. But the other day I was thinking about all the fun things he would be doing with them if he was here. Its my responsibilty now. He's not here to go outside with them and swing them dangerously high, or give them horse rides, or play hide and seek, or chase them through the house. And for the past 10 months I haven't done a very good job of taking his place. But its time that I did. I have three amazing kids who don't have their daddy here; I'm all they have, and its my responsibility to give them the best life possible....the life they deserve....the life Joe and I dreamed for them.
August 31, 2007
Camryn had her 5 year old check up today. I can't believe she's 5. Her party was last weekend at Kiddie Mia's and she had a ton of her little school friends there. My house is running over with presents.....it looks like Christmas around here.
But I just can't get over the fact that she's 5 years old and in kindergarten. She looks so cute in her school uniform, and she's doing great. Most of the parents walk the kindergarteners to class....but Camryn won't have any part of that. She let me for the first couple of days, but lately she insists that I just pull up through the circle and let her out. She puts on her backpack, tells me bye, off she goes! Every morning I worry that she won't know where to go or won't be able to get the hall door open, or she'll fall, or many of the hundreds of other things that could go wrong. But every morning she makes it there just fine, despite all the concerns of her overprotective mother.
She asked me yesterday how old Dylan and Courtlyn will be when she's 15. I thought for a minute, and told her Dylan will be 13, and Courtlyn will be 11. That doesn't even seem possible right now. And I can't help but think even further into the future.....when Camryn is 18, Dylan will be 16, and Courtlyn will be 14! Or when Camryn is 21, Dylan will 19, and Courtlyn will be 17! All I can think about is the college parties and underage drinking that will probably be going on with the younger two. I probably need to start getting all the sleep and rest I can now, because I think I need to save my energy for when they're all teenagers at one time!
But I just can't get over the fact that she's 5 years old and in kindergarten. She looks so cute in her school uniform, and she's doing great. Most of the parents walk the kindergarteners to class....but Camryn won't have any part of that. She let me for the first couple of days, but lately she insists that I just pull up through the circle and let her out. She puts on her backpack, tells me bye, off she goes! Every morning I worry that she won't know where to go or won't be able to get the hall door open, or she'll fall, or many of the hundreds of other things that could go wrong. But every morning she makes it there just fine, despite all the concerns of her overprotective mother.
She asked me yesterday how old Dylan and Courtlyn will be when she's 15. I thought for a minute, and told her Dylan will be 13, and Courtlyn will be 11. That doesn't even seem possible right now. And I can't help but think even further into the future.....when Camryn is 18, Dylan will be 16, and Courtlyn will be 14! Or when Camryn is 21, Dylan will 19, and Courtlyn will be 17! All I can think about is the college parties and underage drinking that will probably be going on with the younger two. I probably need to start getting all the sleep and rest I can now, because I think I need to save my energy for when they're all teenagers at one time!
August 29, 2007
Tonight at church I was talking to a lady I met several months ago...one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. So we're standing there talking when she asks how old I am. I tell her I'm 32 and she tells me that she has a 35 year old brother who isn't married and how she just keeps wishing that we could meet. She then told me that he lives several states away, but she wishes she could get him here.
That by far was the strangest conversation I've had since Joe died. In my mind I still feel like I'm married, although in reality I know I'm not. I'll always love Joe, but the truth is I'm not married anymore. I'm reminded of that everytime I have to fill out a form asking for my marital status. But its a hard concept to grasp. I met Joe almost 11 years ago...when I was 22 years old. We instantly became very good friends, and were dating seriously within 4 months. We were engaged a few months later, and were married a year after that. I've spent my entire adult life with him. I spent those years thinking we would always be together. Its hard to really come to terms with the fact that I'm now single. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation where someone would be trying to set me up with her brother.
That by far was the strangest conversation I've had since Joe died. In my mind I still feel like I'm married, although in reality I know I'm not. I'll always love Joe, but the truth is I'm not married anymore. I'm reminded of that everytime I have to fill out a form asking for my marital status. But its a hard concept to grasp. I met Joe almost 11 years ago...when I was 22 years old. We instantly became very good friends, and were dating seriously within 4 months. We were engaged a few months later, and were married a year after that. I've spent my entire adult life with him. I spent those years thinking we would always be together. Its hard to really come to terms with the fact that I'm now single. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation where someone would be trying to set me up with her brother.
August 28, 2007
Camryn started dance class today. Its a combination of ballet and tap. She was so excited and looked so precious in her leotard and tights with her hair in a bun, carrying her little dance bag with ballet shoes, tap shoes, and water bottle inside. It was so obvious that she thought she was so grown up. She's the youngest in her class of 5-6 year olds, so it was hilarious to watch her through the window....having NO clue what she was doing! But she loved it, and had fun....and thats what really matters.
Tomorrow night Dylan and Camryn both start AWANA at church. Dylan is super excited about that. Its the first year he's old enough to participate. All he talks about is getting to dress up like Camryn....because they have several "dress-up" nights through the year....clown night, silly slipper night, backwards night, Christmas costume night, etc. I'm excited too, but for totally different reasons.....it means I get one hour a week with just the baby to go grocery shopping! Doesn't seem like much to get excited about I know, but anyone that has three kids as young as mine would understand the headache it causes to take them all shopping.
So we're getting busy around here..... kindergarten, dance, AWANA, and soccer will be starting in a couple of weeks too. I know I'm going to be wore out, but I'm glad to have something to do everyday. I know it will be good for me, and I think it will be good for the kids too. We've sat around this house in our pajamas for exactly 10 months now....only getting out when absolutely necessary. Its time to get out and start living again. I can't continue to do this to the kids, its not fair to them. Its bad enough that they lost their daddy, but ultimately they lost their mother too. Because I haven't been the same since Joe died. I've been here physically, but emotionally and mentally I've been gone. I haven't been here for them like I need to be. It got so bad this summer that I wouldn't get out of the bed until almost noon everyday. Camryn would get up with Dylan in the morning and find them something for breakfast and make their milk. Then she would get them both dressed....even change Dylan's diaper. Then they would proceed to destroy the house, and get into everything imaginable. And when I would finally get up the energy to drag myself out of bed, Dylan would run up to me, give me a hug, and say "thank you for getting up mommy!"
So I know I'm going to be running in circles with everything I'm getting them involved in, and I know I really can't afford for them to do all these things, but ultimately I've decided its a small price to pay for giving us all something to look forward to everyday..... and for gaining our lives back.
Tomorrow night Dylan and Camryn both start AWANA at church. Dylan is super excited about that. Its the first year he's old enough to participate. All he talks about is getting to dress up like Camryn....because they have several "dress-up" nights through the year....clown night, silly slipper night, backwards night, Christmas costume night, etc. I'm excited too, but for totally different reasons.....it means I get one hour a week with just the baby to go grocery shopping! Doesn't seem like much to get excited about I know, but anyone that has three kids as young as mine would understand the headache it causes to take them all shopping.
So we're getting busy around here..... kindergarten, dance, AWANA, and soccer will be starting in a couple of weeks too. I know I'm going to be wore out, but I'm glad to have something to do everyday. I know it will be good for me, and I think it will be good for the kids too. We've sat around this house in our pajamas for exactly 10 months now....only getting out when absolutely necessary. Its time to get out and start living again. I can't continue to do this to the kids, its not fair to them. Its bad enough that they lost their daddy, but ultimately they lost their mother too. Because I haven't been the same since Joe died. I've been here physically, but emotionally and mentally I've been gone. I haven't been here for them like I need to be. It got so bad this summer that I wouldn't get out of the bed until almost noon everyday. Camryn would get up with Dylan in the morning and find them something for breakfast and make their milk. Then she would get them both dressed....even change Dylan's diaper. Then they would proceed to destroy the house, and get into everything imaginable. And when I would finally get up the energy to drag myself out of bed, Dylan would run up to me, give me a hug, and say "thank you for getting up mommy!"
So I know I'm going to be running in circles with everything I'm getting them involved in, and I know I really can't afford for them to do all these things, but ultimately I've decided its a small price to pay for giving us all something to look forward to everyday..... and for gaining our lives back.
August 27, 2007
I'm wanting my husband very badly right now. I want him to tell Camryn Happy Birthday and play with her at her party at Kiddie Mias. I want him to teach Dylan how to potty standing up. I want him to hold his new baby and see her double-chinned smile. I want him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be OK. I just want him here with me. I want to feel his arms around me.
When Joe was here, no matter how bad things got I always felt safe with him by my side. Now its just me..... alone with 3 kids. I've never felt so alone in my life.
When Joe was here, no matter how bad things got I always felt safe with him by my side. Now its just me..... alone with 3 kids. I've never felt so alone in my life.
August 26, 2007
Yesterday when I got home I had an interesting message on my machine. It was Joe's dad accusing me of taking something from Joe's grave. I could not believe my ears. I've only been to the cemetery one time since Courtlyn was born. It was back in June when I cleared off all the pink flowers we had set out for Courtlyn's birth, and I replaced them with roses for our upcoming anniversary. I put out a dozen roses.....red, with 7 of them being white....for the seven years we were married. That's what Joe sent me on our anniversary every year...red roses with a white one for every year. Other than that I haven't been back. We used to go once a week, but its so far away and now with the baby its just too hard with the 3 of them. So I was shocked to hear his message. I had no idea what he was talking about. I was shaking I was so pissed off and upset. I called my parents and they called him. Of course when confronted he said he didn't mean to accuse me, he was just upset....what the hell? So today I took Camryn and Dylan to Sunday school and Courtlyn and I went to the cemetery. And guess what? Someone had taken my anniversary roses and replaced them themselves. Well, isn't that ironic. If he wants to get shitty with me, couldn't I do the same? Afterall, I am the one who paid $2,000 for Joe's grave marker. I guess it could technically be considered stealing my flowers right? Oh, but wait that's right most people think Joe's dad paid for the marker....because he went to all of Joe's friends and told them that he wanted to pay for it. But let's set the record straight here, he NEVER made that offer to me.
I recently was told that now he's telling people he wants to help me out financially and pay for Camryn's school clothes. Naturally people would assume that he's making me that offer to me, but the truth is he has not and will not. Sure, it makes people think he's trying to do so much. But now its here for the world to read. Joe's family is more than welcome to put money in the memorial fund or send me a check, but they haven't. And that's OK with me, but don't go around giving everyone the impression that you're helping.
There is so much that has happened that I have kept quiet about for the past 10 months. Joe's friends approach me about his dad and give me a sob story and I just sit there and take it, but there's so much they don't know. Like the fact that Joe's dad told someone a few days after he died "please don't let that girl get rid of his stuff", or that as I got out of the limo for Joe's burial he approached me as I was walking to my husband's casket and asked me when they could get some of the plants that were sent, because some of them were sent specifically to them. Or what about the fact that a week after Joe died his mom told me that she was holding up pretty well, but that if it had been her daughter it would be a different story, she would be much more upset. Or that on Christmas when I had them over, Joe's dad stood in the shop crying and said that he just had to be around Joe's stuff in the shop, and that all that stuff was Joe's life (hello... his family was his life....not his stuff) Or that he told me all his plans were ruined now that Joe died. What? Your plans? My kids and I are the ones whose lives revolved around him....we're the ones whose plans and dreams will never be seen. These stories go on and on, and I've only shared them with a couple of people but I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being portrayed as the bad person here. I'm just trying to survive and raise three babies. I've never said anything hurtful or hateful to Joe's family other than in my own defense. I'm tired of all this, its wearing me out. I want to live my life without someone going behind my back telling people a sob story about me and my kids. Or being accused of having nothing better to do than take items from a grave. I don't need the drama. I need to find peace, and sometimes I think the only way that will ever happen is to be alone, with just my kids and a lot of prayers.
I recently was told that now he's telling people he wants to help me out financially and pay for Camryn's school clothes. Naturally people would assume that he's making me that offer to me, but the truth is he has not and will not. Sure, it makes people think he's trying to do so much. But now its here for the world to read. Joe's family is more than welcome to put money in the memorial fund or send me a check, but they haven't. And that's OK with me, but don't go around giving everyone the impression that you're helping.
There is so much that has happened that I have kept quiet about for the past 10 months. Joe's friends approach me about his dad and give me a sob story and I just sit there and take it, but there's so much they don't know. Like the fact that Joe's dad told someone a few days after he died "please don't let that girl get rid of his stuff", or that as I got out of the limo for Joe's burial he approached me as I was walking to my husband's casket and asked me when they could get some of the plants that were sent, because some of them were sent specifically to them. Or what about the fact that a week after Joe died his mom told me that she was holding up pretty well, but that if it had been her daughter it would be a different story, she would be much more upset. Or that on Christmas when I had them over, Joe's dad stood in the shop crying and said that he just had to be around Joe's stuff in the shop, and that all that stuff was Joe's life (hello... his family was his life....not his stuff) Or that he told me all his plans were ruined now that Joe died. What? Your plans? My kids and I are the ones whose lives revolved around him....we're the ones whose plans and dreams will never be seen. These stories go on and on, and I've only shared them with a couple of people but I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being portrayed as the bad person here. I'm just trying to survive and raise three babies. I've never said anything hurtful or hateful to Joe's family other than in my own defense. I'm tired of all this, its wearing me out. I want to live my life without someone going behind my back telling people a sob story about me and my kids. Or being accused of having nothing better to do than take items from a grave. I don't need the drama. I need to find peace, and sometimes I think the only way that will ever happen is to be alone, with just my kids and a lot of prayers.
August 23, 2007
Its been while since I've read any of the books I ordered right after Joe died, but tonight I pulled one out....
What did I do?
How did I get here?
I don't remember a trial.
Still less do I remember pleading guilty.
Yet here I am.
Serving a life sentence in this prison of grief.
I demand to see a lawyer.
Don't I get at least one phone call?
And let it be to my husband.
If he were here,
He could get me out of this place.
Don't I have the right of appeal?
What happened to my constitutional rights?
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?
Do I get credit for good behavior?
What are the possibilities for parole?
One day I was jsut an ordinary person,
Living an ordinary life.
A happy, ordinary life.
The next day, here I am.
I don't belong here, I tell you.
There must be some mistake.
Well, listen to me, Your Honor.
And don't hold me in contempt.
Don't think I'm going to take this quietly.
I'm not. I can't
The work assignments are getting to me.
So much to do without him.
So different from doing things with him.
From the outside it may not look like a prison,
From the outside it looks like everywhere else.
No barbed-wire topped walls.
No guard towers to prevent escape.
They aren't needed. The walls stretch.
When you move, they move,
Always keeping you inside.
Sometimes even from the inside you get confused.
And hurl yourself blindly against the walls,
But the walls stand.
As for the inmates, you meet the nicest people.
Including your family. Your friends.
And there are the prison visitors who come to help hold your pain.
But its still a prison.
Hello, out there....
Is anyone listening?
What did I do?
How did I get here?
I don't remember a trial.
Still less do I remember pleading guilty.
Yet here I am.
Serving a life sentence in this prison of grief.
I demand to see a lawyer.
Don't I get at least one phone call?
And let it be to my husband.
If he were here,
He could get me out of this place.
Don't I have the right of appeal?
What happened to my constitutional rights?
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?
Do I get credit for good behavior?
What are the possibilities for parole?
One day I was jsut an ordinary person,
Living an ordinary life.
A happy, ordinary life.
The next day, here I am.
I don't belong here, I tell you.
There must be some mistake.
Well, listen to me, Your Honor.
And don't hold me in contempt.
Don't think I'm going to take this quietly.
I'm not. I can't
The work assignments are getting to me.
So much to do without him.
So different from doing things with him.
From the outside it may not look like a prison,
From the outside it looks like everywhere else.
No barbed-wire topped walls.
No guard towers to prevent escape.
They aren't needed. The walls stretch.
When you move, they move,
Always keeping you inside.
Sometimes even from the inside you get confused.
And hurl yourself blindly against the walls,
But the walls stand.
As for the inmates, you meet the nicest people.
Including your family. Your friends.
And there are the prison visitors who come to help hold your pain.
But its still a prison.
Hello, out there....
Is anyone listening?
Friday, November 6, 2009
August 22, 2007
At church Sunday I was introduced to a 36 year old lady whose husband died last month. We sat in the church during Sunday school while the band was rehearsing, and just talked. It was really awkward at first because of the reason we were introduced. This was the first time she had been back at church since her husband died and everyone thought she needed to meet me. Nice thought, but honestly its pretty depressing to be the one thought about when someone's husband dies. I would much rather not be that person.
When I was talking to her I kept thinking how well she has everything together and that she seems to be doing so much better than me, but I was thinking about it later and realized that her husband only died about 6 weeks ago. And I looked back at how I was 6 weeks after Joe died....I was still in shock and denial. And I think she is too. She hasn't gone through all the milestones that I have....Christmas, anniversaries, etc. So now I don't think she's necessarily doing better than me, we're just at different stages.
Her husband died of cancer, that he had been diagnosed with only 6 months earlier. So our situations are different, but we did have a lot in common. She has three children....a 11 year old, 7 year old, and 4 year old. We talked about our kids and how they're handling everything, how we react to our kids, our husbands' parents, things that piss us off, the things we would do different if our husbands were here now, and how we have no choice but to continue to live life because we both have 3 children depending on us to get them through this.
It was nice to finally talk to someone that I could relate to....someone who actually understands what I'm going through and how I feel. It was the first time in 10 months that I felt I could say anything and wouldn't be judged. She understood exactly how I felt and I understood the things she's going through as well.
This in not a club I want to join....the widows, but the fact is I am a 32 year old widow. Its been almost a year now since Joe's been here. Almost a year since I've heard his voice, seen his face, or felt his touch. I guess its time I admitted this to myself, and at least begin trying to heal.
When I was talking to her I kept thinking how well she has everything together and that she seems to be doing so much better than me, but I was thinking about it later and realized that her husband only died about 6 weeks ago. And I looked back at how I was 6 weeks after Joe died....I was still in shock and denial. And I think she is too. She hasn't gone through all the milestones that I have....Christmas, anniversaries, etc. So now I don't think she's necessarily doing better than me, we're just at different stages.
Her husband died of cancer, that he had been diagnosed with only 6 months earlier. So our situations are different, but we did have a lot in common. She has three children....a 11 year old, 7 year old, and 4 year old. We talked about our kids and how they're handling everything, how we react to our kids, our husbands' parents, things that piss us off, the things we would do different if our husbands were here now, and how we have no choice but to continue to live life because we both have 3 children depending on us to get them through this.
It was nice to finally talk to someone that I could relate to....someone who actually understands what I'm going through and how I feel. It was the first time in 10 months that I felt I could say anything and wouldn't be judged. She understood exactly how I felt and I understood the things she's going through as well.
This in not a club I want to join....the widows, but the fact is I am a 32 year old widow. Its been almost a year now since Joe's been here. Almost a year since I've heard his voice, seen his face, or felt his touch. I guess its time I admitted this to myself, and at least begin trying to heal.
August 15, 2007
Its 11:30 and I'm trying to wind down and go to bed. I haven't been to bed this early since before Joe died. I know I have to tonight though...tomorrow is Camryn's first real day of kindergarten, and I can not be late! One minor problem though. I don't know how to use the alarm clock. I haven't used one in at least 5 years. Joe was my alarm clock. He would set his and then wake me up because the alarm didn't wake me up. I used to at least have one on my side of the bed even though I didn't use it, but when we moved to this house I got rid of it. There was no point. So now I have to figure out how to use his, and pray that it wakes me up. You would think that I don't need one since I have a 3 month old living, breathing alarm clock. But she failed to work Tuesday morning, so I'm thinking I can't really rely on her.
I do at least have everything ready for the morning though. Their breakfast is set out, school supplies labeled and bagged up in the car, backpack ready to go with birthday invitations and one frilly pencil cup inside, forms filled out and ready to give the teacher, and a bag of crap to give her teacher for the class treasure chest. When her teacher made this request she had no idea who she was talking to. My kids have more crap than any child I know, and I've been looking for someone to pawn it off on. By the end of the year my house should be completely cleaned out! Of course, as good as Camryn is, I'm sure she'll get to pick something out every single Friday of the year, and she'll just bring it all right back home. That should be some encouragement to behave at school. "Be good and you get to pick out a toy that already belongs to you" She is going to be so pissed off at me!
I do at least have everything ready for the morning though. Their breakfast is set out, school supplies labeled and bagged up in the car, backpack ready to go with birthday invitations and one frilly pencil cup inside, forms filled out and ready to give the teacher, and a bag of crap to give her teacher for the class treasure chest. When her teacher made this request she had no idea who she was talking to. My kids have more crap than any child I know, and I've been looking for someone to pawn it off on. By the end of the year my house should be completely cleaned out! Of course, as good as Camryn is, I'm sure she'll get to pick something out every single Friday of the year, and she'll just bring it all right back home. That should be some encouragement to behave at school. "Be good and you get to pick out a toy that already belongs to you" She is going to be so pissed off at me!
August 14, 2007
Today was my baby's first day of kindergarten. It was only an hour long orientation, but she still had to wear her uniform, so I guess it counts as the first day. We were supposed to be there at 8am. I thought I went to bed early enough....it was 1:45am.....earlier than usual. But I slept until 7:55 this morning, 5 minutes until we were supposed to be there! I got all 4 of us ready and made the 20 minute drive, and we got there at 8:30. I was pretty impressed actually, but when we got there her teacher was already finished with everything and people were leaving. But we did get to meet her, and Camryn got to see her best friend from preschool. They were both so excited to be in the same class again!
Then we headed to Walmart to buy the supplies needed to make and decorate a pencil cup (one of the many kindergarten requirements). This child has the frilliest pecil cup I've ever seen! She painted it with pink glitter glue, put princess stickers on it, glued jewels all around the stickers, and the top is adorned with pink and white feathers! So I guess she's now officially ready for the first real day on Thursday.....she's all psyched up, but who wouldn't be with a pencil holder like that?
Then we headed to Walmart to buy the supplies needed to make and decorate a pencil cup (one of the many kindergarten requirements). This child has the frilliest pecil cup I've ever seen! She painted it with pink glitter glue, put princess stickers on it, glued jewels all around the stickers, and the top is adorned with pink and white feathers! So I guess she's now officially ready for the first real day on Thursday.....she's all psyched up, but who wouldn't be with a pencil holder like that?
August 12, 2007
Tonight was a hard one for Camryn. After I put them to bed she kept coming out, and I just kept sending her back. Finally she came out crying saying that she couldn't sleep because of daddy. We haven't really talked about it much lately so I don't know what brought it about but she was crying hysterically.
We sat in her bed for a while and talked about it and she told me she wanted to take the picture of her and him out of her picture frame because it makes her too sad to look at it. I told her I would, but she ended up changing her mind when I told her that sometimes its good to look at pictures so we can remember the fun times with him.
She told me that it makes her sad that we're not a family anymore. I told her we were still a family, but she said that without him we're not. I tried to explain to her that the four of us are a family, we're just a different kind of family. And I told her that there are other kids that only have one parent, and kids that don't live with both parents. She seemed better knowing that. I don't know if something was said at church today about families, but something made her think that she didn't have a family. After we talked she asked me for a tissue, told me thank you, and went right to sleep.
I dread her going to school and seeing other dads, and hearing stories about daddies, etc. Its already hard enough at home. I've gotten rid of all of our books about dads and in a lot of books that I read to them I omit the word dad, or change it to mom. But once she goes out in the real world I won't be able to protect her anymore.
We sat in her bed for a while and talked about it and she told me she wanted to take the picture of her and him out of her picture frame because it makes her too sad to look at it. I told her I would, but she ended up changing her mind when I told her that sometimes its good to look at pictures so we can remember the fun times with him.
She told me that it makes her sad that we're not a family anymore. I told her we were still a family, but she said that without him we're not. I tried to explain to her that the four of us are a family, we're just a different kind of family. And I told her that there are other kids that only have one parent, and kids that don't live with both parents. She seemed better knowing that. I don't know if something was said at church today about families, but something made her think that she didn't have a family. After we talked she asked me for a tissue, told me thank you, and went right to sleep.
I dread her going to school and seeing other dads, and hearing stories about daddies, etc. Its already hard enough at home. I've gotten rid of all of our books about dads and in a lot of books that I read to them I omit the word dad, or change it to mom. But once she goes out in the real world I won't be able to protect her anymore.
August 10, 2007
This afternoon I went into the hall closet and pulled out a 5 foot piece of paper, set it in the middle of the kitchen floor, and set 10 jars of finger paint in the middle of it. I told the kids to have fun and I went in the living room to feed Courtlyn. I laughed at the thought of what Joe would have said. I could just hear his voice in my head "Tracy, what the hell were you thinking?"
But I did it and the kids had a blast! They used almost every drop of paint, but by the end of it they were painting their bodies green and running in the living room pretending to be Shrek I sent them to my bathroom to try and get cleaned up, but they weren't too successful so I had to give them a bath. However, they did succeed at making my bathroom look like a rainbow exploded in there. There was wet paint in the sinks, on the counter tops, running down the cabinets, on the door, on my towels, and on my white rug. And the kitchen floor? Its amazing that they even had enough paint to paint the paper....the floor was covered. But I left it all alone, and figured I'd clean it up tonight. I was still laughing to myself about what Joe would think.
We hung their masterpiece on the door leading to the playroom and they were beside themselves with excitement and pride, so being the mom that I am, I thought who cares about the mess....look how happy they are.
So tonight after they went to bed I started tackling the cleanup, while also trying to keep Courtlyn occupied and happy. And thats the moment I thought "what the hell was I thinking?" I wasn't laughing anymore. But I have a feeling I know someone who was....and I felt a strong sense of someone telling me "I told you so!"
Damn it, he's not even here anymore and he's still right!
But I did it and the kids had a blast! They used almost every drop of paint, but by the end of it they were painting their bodies green and running in the living room pretending to be Shrek I sent them to my bathroom to try and get cleaned up, but they weren't too successful so I had to give them a bath. However, they did succeed at making my bathroom look like a rainbow exploded in there. There was wet paint in the sinks, on the counter tops, running down the cabinets, on the door, on my towels, and on my white rug. And the kitchen floor? Its amazing that they even had enough paint to paint the paper....the floor was covered. But I left it all alone, and figured I'd clean it up tonight. I was still laughing to myself about what Joe would think.
We hung their masterpiece on the door leading to the playroom and they were beside themselves with excitement and pride, so being the mom that I am, I thought who cares about the mess....look how happy they are.
So tonight after they went to bed I started tackling the cleanup, while also trying to keep Courtlyn occupied and happy. And thats the moment I thought "what the hell was I thinking?" I wasn't laughing anymore. But I have a feeling I know someone who was....and I felt a strong sense of someone telling me "I told you so!"
Damn it, he's not even here anymore and he's still right!
August 7, 2007
Tonight Camryn, Dylan, and I were reading from one of their Bibles before bed.
"Stop telling people about Jesus!" the soldiers said to Peter. But Peter wouldn't stop. So the soldiers put Peter in jail and chained him to two soldiers. But that night and angel came and told Petere, "Come with me!" Peter's chains fell off, and the prison doors opened. Peter was free! ACTS 12
So, then I asked Camryn "How did Peter get out of jail?".....her response? "Magic. Its kinda like Tinkerbell! Hey Dylan, when I grow up I want to be TINKERBELLE!!"
"ME TOO!!" yelled Dylan
How does Tinkerbelle relate to a Bible story? I have no idea. And I'm pretty sure the moral of the story was not intended to make little girls want to grow up to be fairytale characters! And especially not to influence little boys in wanting to be Tinkerbelle!
"Stop telling people about Jesus!" the soldiers said to Peter. But Peter wouldn't stop. So the soldiers put Peter in jail and chained him to two soldiers. But that night and angel came and told Petere, "Come with me!" Peter's chains fell off, and the prison doors opened. Peter was free! ACTS 12
So, then I asked Camryn "How did Peter get out of jail?".....her response? "Magic. Its kinda like Tinkerbell! Hey Dylan, when I grow up I want to be TINKERBELLE!!"
"ME TOO!!" yelled Dylan
How does Tinkerbelle relate to a Bible story? I have no idea. And I'm pretty sure the moral of the story was not intended to make little girls want to grow up to be fairytale characters! And especially not to influence little boys in wanting to be Tinkerbelle!
August 4, 2007
I received soemthing completely unexpected in the mail this week, and though it may seem like nothing to most people, it meant a lot to me. Someone sent me a $200 Walmart gift card. There was no note, no name. Which also meant there were no expectations and no judgements. Actually, I do know who it came from. I could tell from the business envelope it came in. And its from someone who didn't even know Joe, and hardly knows me. Someone with absolutely no ties to us. Someone who genuinely cares about my kids and me. Someone who knows how hard it is to raise three children on a social security check. No, its not much to most people. But it paid for formula and diapers this month.
I received things like this in the mail often after Joe first passed away, but its been at least 6 months since anyone has offered any help. In the beginning I think people did it out of obligation to Joe, not me. But in the time that has passed their sense of obligation has faded. So it completely shocked me to receive this in the mail.
Another recent blessing has been from our church, Calvary Baptist. I wanted Camryn to attend school there, but had no idea how I was going to pay for it. But I recently received a letter stating that there are anonymous church members who have donated money to pay for Camryn's kindergarten tuition.
It amazes me that there are people in the world who still care. The tragedy we have faced has opened my eyes in a whole new way. Its so easy for me to see people for their true colors now. Its easy for me to tell genuine people for the people who just do things for recognition. Never again will I be fooled by people who don't really care. There are a lot of people that cared about Joe, but when it comes right down to it, aren't really concerned about me or these kids. And as far as I'm concerned we're better off without them.
There are people who care about us, and those are the people I'm thankful for. They are truly a blessing, and my kids will grow up knowing about the awesome things they did.
I received things like this in the mail often after Joe first passed away, but its been at least 6 months since anyone has offered any help. In the beginning I think people did it out of obligation to Joe, not me. But in the time that has passed their sense of obligation has faded. So it completely shocked me to receive this in the mail.
Another recent blessing has been from our church, Calvary Baptist. I wanted Camryn to attend school there, but had no idea how I was going to pay for it. But I recently received a letter stating that there are anonymous church members who have donated money to pay for Camryn's kindergarten tuition.
It amazes me that there are people in the world who still care. The tragedy we have faced has opened my eyes in a whole new way. Its so easy for me to see people for their true colors now. Its easy for me to tell genuine people for the people who just do things for recognition. Never again will I be fooled by people who don't really care. There are a lot of people that cared about Joe, but when it comes right down to it, aren't really concerned about me or these kids. And as far as I'm concerned we're better off without them.
There are people who care about us, and those are the people I'm thankful for. They are truly a blessing, and my kids will grow up knowing about the awesome things they did.
Friday, October 16, 2009
August 2, 2007
Today was te worst day I've had in months. It started out OK...took Camryn back to the doctor for a follow up on her spider bite. Went to the grocery store and got her another prescription. Came home, fed the kids, put Dylan down for a nap.
But it went downhill from there. At 4:00 I turned on a movie for the kids and I felt truly exhausted. So I laid down and took a very short nap with Courtlyn. I was repeatedly disturbed by the kids fighting though, and by Camryn telling me I was lazy. Eventually the kids were fighting so bad that I had no choice but to get up and I lost it....screaming at everyone, and Dylan ending up getting spanked. Then I sat in the bed to feed Courtlyn and cried because I knew that yes, they were fighting, but they didn't deserve me to react the way I did. I just sat there in a daze for a while thinking about Joe. And how much I wish he would walk through the door, and give me something to look forward to. I got up and fed the kids leftover pizza for dinner and put them in the bath. At that point I had another meltdown when Dylan purposely poured a bowl of water onto the bathroom floor. By this point Courtlyn was screaming...I'm sure it was brought about by my yelling and Dylan's crying. So after their bath I sat in the rocking chair trying to console her. Camryn took control of the situation as usual and got Dylan to help her clean the whole house. She put away every toy and even cleaned up the kitchen counters, while I sat in the chair crying with Courtlyn. At bedtime I let them both get in my bed and I laid with them for a while and told them how sorry I was fo rhaving such a bad day. I told them I was just really missing daddy and that I would try to do better tomorrow.
I really haven't had any moments like this since Courtlyn was born. But I think its only because I've been so busy that I hardly have time to think. But today was apparently my breaking point.
I'm just so pissed off at the world right now. I'm angry that Joe's gone, I'm angry at the guy who killed him, I'm angry that I didn't have more time with him, I'm angry that my kids are slowly forgetting him, I'm angry at Joe for leaving me in this situation, and I'm angry at the rest of the world for going on with their lives, while mine is stuck right here without him.
Everyday is exactly the same. Every hour is the same. Every minute is the same. I have nothing to break up the monotony of my day. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing. I chase after these 3 kids 24 hours a day. Joe has been gone for 279 days. I have at LEAST 6,570 days left of taking care of kids, by myself. No one to vent to after the kids have gone to bed, no one to share my concerns with, no one to sit and laugh with, no one to pass the kids off to if I want to take a 5 minute break. No one. Sure, I could call a friend or family. But its not the same. Its not Joe.
But it went downhill from there. At 4:00 I turned on a movie for the kids and I felt truly exhausted. So I laid down and took a very short nap with Courtlyn. I was repeatedly disturbed by the kids fighting though, and by Camryn telling me I was lazy. Eventually the kids were fighting so bad that I had no choice but to get up and I lost it....screaming at everyone, and Dylan ending up getting spanked. Then I sat in the bed to feed Courtlyn and cried because I knew that yes, they were fighting, but they didn't deserve me to react the way I did. I just sat there in a daze for a while thinking about Joe. And how much I wish he would walk through the door, and give me something to look forward to. I got up and fed the kids leftover pizza for dinner and put them in the bath. At that point I had another meltdown when Dylan purposely poured a bowl of water onto the bathroom floor. By this point Courtlyn was screaming...I'm sure it was brought about by my yelling and Dylan's crying. So after their bath I sat in the rocking chair trying to console her. Camryn took control of the situation as usual and got Dylan to help her clean the whole house. She put away every toy and even cleaned up the kitchen counters, while I sat in the chair crying with Courtlyn. At bedtime I let them both get in my bed and I laid with them for a while and told them how sorry I was fo rhaving such a bad day. I told them I was just really missing daddy and that I would try to do better tomorrow.
I really haven't had any moments like this since Courtlyn was born. But I think its only because I've been so busy that I hardly have time to think. But today was apparently my breaking point.
I'm just so pissed off at the world right now. I'm angry that Joe's gone, I'm angry at the guy who killed him, I'm angry that I didn't have more time with him, I'm angry that my kids are slowly forgetting him, I'm angry at Joe for leaving me in this situation, and I'm angry at the rest of the world for going on with their lives, while mine is stuck right here without him.
Everyday is exactly the same. Every hour is the same. Every minute is the same. I have nothing to break up the monotony of my day. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing. I chase after these 3 kids 24 hours a day. Joe has been gone for 279 days. I have at LEAST 6,570 days left of taking care of kids, by myself. No one to vent to after the kids have gone to bed, no one to share my concerns with, no one to sit and laugh with, no one to pass the kids off to if I want to take a 5 minute break. No one. Sure, I could call a friend or family. But its not the same. Its not Joe.
August 1, 2007
Dylan has a black eye. Its his second one. His first one was when he was 14 months old and ran across the room, straight into a table, knocking it over onto himself. This time I was in the recliner feeding Courtlyn and he decided he needed in my lap too. Not a problem. Except he thought he also needed to bring 2 books and his juice along with him. So as he tried to climb up he was wobbling on my knee and fell to the floor....hitting his eye on a ride-on fire truck.
Then this morning Camryn comes out with a red mark on her upper arm. She said it was a rash and I didn't really feel a bite, so I put some cortizone cream on it and never looked at it again. Well she just woke up in the middle of the night complaining that it hurt and when I looked at it I couldn't believe it. Its spread all over her arm and is warm to the touch. So I put more medicine on it, but I have a feeling that we'll be heading to the doctor tomorrow. It looks exactly like Dylan's leg did last year when he was bit by a spider.
So its going to be a full day for us. First we head to the dentist for Camryn's checkup. Then to the consinement to drop off all of Dylan's winter clothes from last year. Then probably to the doctor. And I promised the kids I'd take them to McDonalds to play in the PlayLand. They are super excited about that because we haven't been in about a year. The last time we went Dylan was about 18 months old and not supposed to be climbing in the slides. Somehow he managed to though. Next thing I know Camryn and another little girl come out saying that Dylan is in the very top and he stinks. I stood at the bottom calling his name and he wouldn't come down. He just looked down at me from the very highest window. After several minutes I started freaking out because there were some really big kids in there so I had to climb through those nasty tunnels to find him and slide out with him. I swore at that moment that we would not go back until he was old enough to get out by himself. I think he'll be OK this time, but we'll see. I know one thing for sure, I will NOT be climbing my fat ass up there to get him. I'll call the damn fire department before I go in those nasty things again. Hell, if they rescue cats from trees surely they'll rescue my son from the McDonalds slide.
Then this morning Camryn comes out with a red mark on her upper arm. She said it was a rash and I didn't really feel a bite, so I put some cortizone cream on it and never looked at it again. Well she just woke up in the middle of the night complaining that it hurt and when I looked at it I couldn't believe it. Its spread all over her arm and is warm to the touch. So I put more medicine on it, but I have a feeling that we'll be heading to the doctor tomorrow. It looks exactly like Dylan's leg did last year when he was bit by a spider.
So its going to be a full day for us. First we head to the dentist for Camryn's checkup. Then to the consinement to drop off all of Dylan's winter clothes from last year. Then probably to the doctor. And I promised the kids I'd take them to McDonalds to play in the PlayLand. They are super excited about that because we haven't been in about a year. The last time we went Dylan was about 18 months old and not supposed to be climbing in the slides. Somehow he managed to though. Next thing I know Camryn and another little girl come out saying that Dylan is in the very top and he stinks. I stood at the bottom calling his name and he wouldn't come down. He just looked down at me from the very highest window. After several minutes I started freaking out because there were some really big kids in there so I had to climb through those nasty tunnels to find him and slide out with him. I swore at that moment that we would not go back until he was old enough to get out by himself. I think he'll be OK this time, but we'll see. I know one thing for sure, I will NOT be climbing my fat ass up there to get him. I'll call the damn fire department before I go in those nasty things again. Hell, if they rescue cats from trees surely they'll rescue my son from the McDonalds slide.
July 31, 2007
This is the statement I sent to the city of Tyler, Texas. This is the statement that will be used in court when the ass that hit Joe finally has his trial....
On October 27, 2006 my husband left for work, just like any other day. I stayed home with our 4 year old and 22 month old children and anticipated the week ahead. I took the kids to the pumpkin patch so they could carve pumpkins with daddy the next day, and we had plans to attend our daughter's soccer awards program. The upcoming week would also involve the Halloween Fall Festival at church and all of us attending Disney on Ice. It was going to be a week full of activities we would do together as a family.
I talked to my husband several times while he was at work that day, making all the plans for the week. We also talked about the ultrasound we had the day before, revealing that our third child was due on June 4, 2007. I was eight weeks pregnant and we were thrilled.
This is just a snapshot of how are lives were. Our lives completely revolved around our family. We did everything together, and family was our main focus. A year earlier I had quit my teaching job to stay at home with the kids. And now that we were expecting our third child we were making plans to build a new house in a new school district. My husband had made all of this possible by working extremely hard at his business, which he had started only 15 months earlier.
In an instant all of this changed. At 7:45 pm, on October 27, I received a phone call telling me that my husband died in a car accident. I was told this as my two young children stood by my side. At that moment life as we knew it changed.
I will no longer be able to stay at home with my children, something that Joe and I felt to be very important in our children's live. I will now have to find a job and send my kids to daycare in order to support my children for the next twenty years. I realize that a lot of kids go to daycare and are just fine, but this was not our wish for our children. This was not our choice, this decision was forced upon me.
We will also not be moving into the house we dreamed of. Instead, I will stay where I am, in a three-bedroom house; or I will be forced to buy an even smaller, less expensive one.
We were a family that did everything together and now an integral part of our family is missing. My children are so young that they will probably not remember their dad for much longer. And the child that I'm carrying now will never even have the chance to meet him. They will never know what a great man their dad was, or how much he sacrificed for them.
They went from having a mom and dad who's life revolved around them, to being left alone with a mother who is depressed, alone, and can barely function well enough to take care of them. I can't even imagine how it will affect their lives. Everything Joe and I had envisioned for them is gone.
I am a thirty-two year old widow, and will be raising three children alone. It is a nightmare! It's been five months since Joe was killed, and I still haven't received any insurance money from Mr. McFadden. I am trying to support my family, pay off business debt, pay for legal fees, etc. all with the little amount I receive from social security.
My children and I are all in counseling. It gives us someone to talk to, but it doesn't make anything better. My four-year old daughter still lies in bed crying for her daddy every night. And my two-year old son still wanders through the house looking for him.
As for my own loss, I'm depressed, angry, confused, and lonely. But overall my main concern is for my children. I will never be able to make up for the tragic loss they've experienced. No matter what I do, life will never be the same for them. A negligent driver ripped their daddy from their lives, and I don't think any of us will ever fully recover.
On October 27, 2006 my husband left for work, just like any other day. I stayed home with our 4 year old and 22 month old children and anticipated the week ahead. I took the kids to the pumpkin patch so they could carve pumpkins with daddy the next day, and we had plans to attend our daughter's soccer awards program. The upcoming week would also involve the Halloween Fall Festival at church and all of us attending Disney on Ice. It was going to be a week full of activities we would do together as a family.
I talked to my husband several times while he was at work that day, making all the plans for the week. We also talked about the ultrasound we had the day before, revealing that our third child was due on June 4, 2007. I was eight weeks pregnant and we were thrilled.
This is just a snapshot of how are lives were. Our lives completely revolved around our family. We did everything together, and family was our main focus. A year earlier I had quit my teaching job to stay at home with the kids. And now that we were expecting our third child we were making plans to build a new house in a new school district. My husband had made all of this possible by working extremely hard at his business, which he had started only 15 months earlier.
In an instant all of this changed. At 7:45 pm, on October 27, I received a phone call telling me that my husband died in a car accident. I was told this as my two young children stood by my side. At that moment life as we knew it changed.
I will no longer be able to stay at home with my children, something that Joe and I felt to be very important in our children's live. I will now have to find a job and send my kids to daycare in order to support my children for the next twenty years. I realize that a lot of kids go to daycare and are just fine, but this was not our wish for our children. This was not our choice, this decision was forced upon me.
We will also not be moving into the house we dreamed of. Instead, I will stay where I am, in a three-bedroom house; or I will be forced to buy an even smaller, less expensive one.
We were a family that did everything together and now an integral part of our family is missing. My children are so young that they will probably not remember their dad for much longer. And the child that I'm carrying now will never even have the chance to meet him. They will never know what a great man their dad was, or how much he sacrificed for them.
They went from having a mom and dad who's life revolved around them, to being left alone with a mother who is depressed, alone, and can barely function well enough to take care of them. I can't even imagine how it will affect their lives. Everything Joe and I had envisioned for them is gone.
I am a thirty-two year old widow, and will be raising three children alone. It is a nightmare! It's been five months since Joe was killed, and I still haven't received any insurance money from Mr. McFadden. I am trying to support my family, pay off business debt, pay for legal fees, etc. all with the little amount I receive from social security.
My children and I are all in counseling. It gives us someone to talk to, but it doesn't make anything better. My four-year old daughter still lies in bed crying for her daddy every night. And my two-year old son still wanders through the house looking for him.
As for my own loss, I'm depressed, angry, confused, and lonely. But overall my main concern is for my children. I will never be able to make up for the tragic loss they've experienced. No matter what I do, life will never be the same for them. A negligent driver ripped their daddy from their lives, and I don't think any of us will ever fully recover.
July 30, 2007
"Dear God, Daddy love me. Jesus love me. Daddy love me. Amen."
How heartbreaking is that?
How heartbreaking is that?
July 29, 2007
my "To Do" list
~buy school shoes
~register Camryn for dance class
~iron clothes to take to consinement shop
~Camryn's dentist appointment
~return clothes and diapers to Target
~complete tax forms for the thousands of dollars Joe owed the IRS
~sell truck
~sell motorcycle
~find a new house
~sell this house
~get new glasses (mine broke 6 months ago)
~get prescriptions filled
~meet with insurance agent
~pay bills (on a budget of social security alone)
~feed baby every 3 hours
~grocery store
~make bottles
~give the kids a bath
~give baby a bath
~potty train Dylan
~shop for Camryn's birthday
~make birth announcements
~change at least 10 diapers a day
~provide my kids 3 meals a day
~laundry
~clean house
~get oil changed in car
~get inspection sticker
~stop what I'm doing to hold a child, toddler, or baby every time someone is hurt or upset (at least once an hour)
~get my hair cut (its been 8 months now)
~finish cleaning out Joe's closet
~finally break down and do something with his dirty laundry
~sell all his other trailers, equipment, and parts
These are just the things I can think of off the top of my head. And somewhere in there I have to fit in time for myself to eat and shower.
And my kids cry and tell me I never play with them anymore. I wonder why?
So basically I don't feel that I have anything in common with anyone. My life right now can not be compared to anyone else that I know. So its very hard to hear people talk about normal, everyday things in their lives, because God how I wish my life was normal again.
~buy school shoes
~register Camryn for dance class
~iron clothes to take to consinement shop
~Camryn's dentist appointment
~return clothes and diapers to Target
~complete tax forms for the thousands of dollars Joe owed the IRS
~sell truck
~sell motorcycle
~find a new house
~sell this house
~get new glasses (mine broke 6 months ago)
~get prescriptions filled
~meet with insurance agent
~pay bills (on a budget of social security alone)
~feed baby every 3 hours
~grocery store
~make bottles
~give the kids a bath
~give baby a bath
~potty train Dylan
~shop for Camryn's birthday
~make birth announcements
~change at least 10 diapers a day
~provide my kids 3 meals a day
~laundry
~clean house
~get oil changed in car
~get inspection sticker
~stop what I'm doing to hold a child, toddler, or baby every time someone is hurt or upset (at least once an hour)
~get my hair cut (its been 8 months now)
~finish cleaning out Joe's closet
~finally break down and do something with his dirty laundry
~sell all his other trailers, equipment, and parts
These are just the things I can think of off the top of my head. And somewhere in there I have to fit in time for myself to eat and shower.
And my kids cry and tell me I never play with them anymore. I wonder why?
So basically I don't feel that I have anything in common with anyone. My life right now can not be compared to anyone else that I know. So its very hard to hear people talk about normal, everyday things in their lives, because God how I wish my life was normal again.
July 28, 2007
I just finished feeding Courtlyn her 1am bottle and soaking up her baby smell. I don't remember my other two smelling so sweet. I guess when Camryn was this small I was such a nervous wreck that I didn't pay attention. And I swear Dylan never smelled like this....I think he was born already smelling like a boy. But Courtlyn better get used to me smelling the top of her head because I don't foresee stopping any time soon!
Not only is her scent addictive, but she is such a wonderful baby in every way. She hardly ever cries, she's perfectly happy just laying in the floor watching the ceiling fan, she doesn't need a pacifier (or her thumb), and to top it all off she already has the same adorable chubby cheeks that her brother and sister have.
"welcome, tiny angel, sent to bless us here on earth, we've felt the touch of heaven from the moment of your birth."
Not only is her scent addictive, but she is such a wonderful baby in every way. She hardly ever cries, she's perfectly happy just laying in the floor watching the ceiling fan, she doesn't need a pacifier (or her thumb), and to top it all off she already has the same adorable chubby cheeks that her brother and sister have.
"welcome, tiny angel, sent to bless us here on earth, we've felt the touch of heaven from the moment of your birth."
July 27, 2007
I honestly don't think I've gone to the bathroom by myself in 9 months. If I try to sneak away without the kids it doesn't take but a few seconds for them to come looking for me. And before I know it there's a party in the bathroom. And I've been wondering lately how long it will be before I can go to the bathroom with no kids serving as my audience. But today we hit an all time low when Dylan cheered "Yay Mommy! Great Job!"
July 24, 2007
The past month has been full of moments when I wished I could just close my eyes and disappear.....forever.
First was Father's Day. I purposely skipped church so that the kids wouldn't be slapped in the face that they don't have a dad. I didn't even tell them it was Father's Day. I let them stay outside all day and play in their little plastic pool. It kept us all preoccupied. But a few days later Camryn started crying because she didn't have anyone to buy a Father's Day present for (she didn't realize that the day had already come and gone) It makes me so sad for them. And its strange to me that everyone thought about Joe's dad on this day, but no one thought of us and what my kids and I must have felt. They will grow up and be reminded every year that they are the "kids with no dad"
Then a few weeks later was Joe's birthday. He would have been 36 on July 2. Again, I let it go without mentioning it to the kids. Camryn would have been upset, and I feel like there's no reason to cause her heart to break any more than it already has.
The day after his birthday Courtlyn was super fussy all day long. I was going crazy with all the crying, but I thought it was just typical baby stuff, like gas. At 7pm she woke up from a nap and was crying again, I picked her up and noticed she felt warm. As I was taking her temperature Dylan started saying he was tired and that his head hurt. So he went and laid in my bed. At almost the exact moment the thermometer registered that Courtlyn had a fever of 101.7, Dylan started puking in my bed! I called the pediatrician and was told to take Courtlyn to the ER. So I'm trying to get all our things together and Dylan is crawling through the house on his hands and knees, throwing up EVERYWHERE! Luckily Camryn felt OK...she tried to make Dylan feel better while I tended to the screaming baby. She thought of things to pack in the bag that I didn't even think of....like a towel for Dylan if he threw up in the car. She got herself dressed, fixed her hair, and got a book to read in the waiting room. She paced through the house telling herself "we have two emergencies here. " Then right before we left I was on the phone with my sister telling her what was happening, and Camryn ran in and told me "mom, there is NO time to waste, get off the phone and lets go" So I followed the orders of my 4 year old and we headed to the ER.
Dylan continued to throw up in the ER, but he had no fever. So Courtlyn was their top priority. Her fever got up to 102.8, and after hours of tessts they could find no source of infection. So at midnight they decided to do a spinal tap.....on my 6 week old baby! By that time Dylan felt better so they released him, and he and Camryn went home with my parents. They did the spinal tap and it came back positive for viral meningitis. All I could think is "you have got to kidding me! My husband died while I was pregnant, I almost lost my baby in delivery, and now she has meningitis???? What the hell else can I handle?" We were admitted to the hospital and stayed three days, with her hooked up to an IV. She recovered well though, and all the nurses were in love with her by the time we left.
Four days later would have been mine and Joe's 8th anniversay. That was 100 times worse than his birthday to me. We usually didn't do much for our birthdays, but anniversaries were big. It was the one time every year we knew we would get a babysitter. It didn't matter what else was going on, we did something special for our anniversary, even the years I was pregnant. Last year Joe to9ok me to the Faith Hill/Tim McGraw concert.....something he cared nothing about, but knew I would love. So to sit here alone with the kids on our anniversary was depressing to say the least. And just like Father's Day, I was alone in my misery....its not anything anyone else would ever think about.
I've been hearing a lot of the usual cliches lately...."God doesn't give us more than we can handle", "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", etc. Well this is what I think about those statements......I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE! I reached my breaking point the night Joe died....the only reason I'm able to go on is because of my kids. And as far as becoming a stronger person....I think I was a strong person before all of this. In fact I was stronger because of Joe. I'm not any stronger today, than I was 10 months ago. I don't foresee my kids growing up thinking what a strong mother they had. I imagine them talking about how their mother went insane the day their dad died, and that its a miracle they all survived.
First was Father's Day. I purposely skipped church so that the kids wouldn't be slapped in the face that they don't have a dad. I didn't even tell them it was Father's Day. I let them stay outside all day and play in their little plastic pool. It kept us all preoccupied. But a few days later Camryn started crying because she didn't have anyone to buy a Father's Day present for (she didn't realize that the day had already come and gone) It makes me so sad for them. And its strange to me that everyone thought about Joe's dad on this day, but no one thought of us and what my kids and I must have felt. They will grow up and be reminded every year that they are the "kids with no dad"
Then a few weeks later was Joe's birthday. He would have been 36 on July 2. Again, I let it go without mentioning it to the kids. Camryn would have been upset, and I feel like there's no reason to cause her heart to break any more than it already has.
The day after his birthday Courtlyn was super fussy all day long. I was going crazy with all the crying, but I thought it was just typical baby stuff, like gas. At 7pm she woke up from a nap and was crying again, I picked her up and noticed she felt warm. As I was taking her temperature Dylan started saying he was tired and that his head hurt. So he went and laid in my bed. At almost the exact moment the thermometer registered that Courtlyn had a fever of 101.7, Dylan started puking in my bed! I called the pediatrician and was told to take Courtlyn to the ER. So I'm trying to get all our things together and Dylan is crawling through the house on his hands and knees, throwing up EVERYWHERE! Luckily Camryn felt OK...she tried to make Dylan feel better while I tended to the screaming baby. She thought of things to pack in the bag that I didn't even think of....like a towel for Dylan if he threw up in the car. She got herself dressed, fixed her hair, and got a book to read in the waiting room. She paced through the house telling herself "we have two emergencies here. " Then right before we left I was on the phone with my sister telling her what was happening, and Camryn ran in and told me "mom, there is NO time to waste, get off the phone and lets go" So I followed the orders of my 4 year old and we headed to the ER.
Dylan continued to throw up in the ER, but he had no fever. So Courtlyn was their top priority. Her fever got up to 102.8, and after hours of tessts they could find no source of infection. So at midnight they decided to do a spinal tap.....on my 6 week old baby! By that time Dylan felt better so they released him, and he and Camryn went home with my parents. They did the spinal tap and it came back positive for viral meningitis. All I could think is "you have got to kidding me! My husband died while I was pregnant, I almost lost my baby in delivery, and now she has meningitis???? What the hell else can I handle?" We were admitted to the hospital and stayed three days, with her hooked up to an IV. She recovered well though, and all the nurses were in love with her by the time we left.
Four days later would have been mine and Joe's 8th anniversay. That was 100 times worse than his birthday to me. We usually didn't do much for our birthdays, but anniversaries were big. It was the one time every year we knew we would get a babysitter. It didn't matter what else was going on, we did something special for our anniversary, even the years I was pregnant. Last year Joe to9ok me to the Faith Hill/Tim McGraw concert.....something he cared nothing about, but knew I would love. So to sit here alone with the kids on our anniversary was depressing to say the least. And just like Father's Day, I was alone in my misery....its not anything anyone else would ever think about.
I've been hearing a lot of the usual cliches lately...."God doesn't give us more than we can handle", "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", etc. Well this is what I think about those statements......I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE! I reached my breaking point the night Joe died....the only reason I'm able to go on is because of my kids. And as far as becoming a stronger person....I think I was a strong person before all of this. In fact I was stronger because of Joe. I'm not any stronger today, than I was 10 months ago. I don't foresee my kids growing up thinking what a strong mother they had. I imagine them talking about how their mother went insane the day their dad died, and that its a miracle they all survived.
July 23, 2007
Last year all I wanted in life was to have another baby. We tried for 9 months to get pregnant. I even took clomid one month....still nothing. So we were shocked in September to find out I was pregnant! I was thrilled! But that changed the day Joe died. My excitement was replaced by confusion and anger. I resented the fact that I was pregnant. All it meant to me was more stress, more money, more work, and more chaos in an already chaotic house. I was not excited at all about her arrival. I can remember many nights just crying my eyes out asking God why I was pregnant. If Joe couldn't be here with me, then I didn't want another baby. I was barely functioning well enough to take care of the babies I already had.
But the moment she was in danger all of those feelings disappeared. I just wanted my baby to be OK. Granted, it IS more work, more stress, more money, and more chaos....but I feel grateful none the less.
Now I know the answer to the question I asked all those nights. Now I know why she is here. She has brought the kids and me so much peace and happiness. We have something to smile about again. I have a reason to get out of bed again.
Yes, I'm exhausted, I run in circles all day, I still can't fit into my size 6 jeans, I'm on anti-depressants, and I still miss Joe terribly, but its going better than I thought it would. I get up every morning, get dressed, and take care of three kids by myself. So I guess that's something. And I'm even getting used to the looks and comments from strangers that see us all in public. When people see me with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn they just can't resist making a comment about me having my hands full. and I just smile and say "you have NO idea"
But the moment she was in danger all of those feelings disappeared. I just wanted my baby to be OK. Granted, it IS more work, more stress, more money, and more chaos....but I feel grateful none the less.
Now I know the answer to the question I asked all those nights. Now I know why she is here. She has brought the kids and me so much peace and happiness. We have something to smile about again. I have a reason to get out of bed again.
Yes, I'm exhausted, I run in circles all day, I still can't fit into my size 6 jeans, I'm on anti-depressants, and I still miss Joe terribly, but its going better than I thought it would. I get up every morning, get dressed, and take care of three kids by myself. So I guess that's something. And I'm even getting used to the looks and comments from strangers that see us all in public. When people see me with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn they just can't resist making a comment about me having my hands full. and I just smile and say "you have NO idea"
July 22, 2007
On Tuesday, May 22 I went to the hospital to have labor induced. At the last minute I decided that I wanted to be there alone. I felt that if Joe couldn't be there then no one should be there. I didn't even tell anyone that I was going, except for the ladies in my support group and my family, who was keeping my other 2 children. My decisions apparently offended a few people, but it was what I felt was best for me at the time, and until someone has experienced what I'm going through, I think judgments shouldn't be made.
So I dropped my kids off and headed for the hospital at 9pm. It was so strange being there without Joe. We had done this together two other times, so I could easily picture him there and imagine what he would be saying and doing.
There were several awkward moments during my hospital stay....beginning with the 100 questions they asked me upon my arrival. The nurse asked if I had been under any stress during my pregnancy....I just rolled my eyes and said yes. Then a few minutes later she asked me if I was single or married. You should have seen her face when I told her I was widowed. I can only imagine what the conversation was like when she went back to the nurses station.
The next morning my new nurse came in at 7am. It was the same nurse sho had delivered Dylan just 2 years ago. She had already been told about Joe's accident and I could tell it was awkward for her, but I was glad to have her there and I thought she handled the situation great.
At 9am my doctor came in to break my water. When he did, he immediately mumbled something to the nurse and then told her to get the ultrasound machine. She yelled SHIT and ran out the door. Within seconds she was back, but the doctor told her there was no time. He told her to trade places with him and keep her hand in my cervix. As he started to leave the room he turned to me and said "you're about to have the fastest c-section in history". There was immediately a team of nurses running in my room, sushing me out the door to the operating room. I wasn't wure who was in danger, the baby or me, but I knew it was bad. I just yelled for someone to call my family.
I was taken to the operating room with my nurse still on top f m ewith her hand in my cervix. She was freaking out and I remember another nurse trying to calm her down and told that as long as she could still feel the baby's heartbeat that she was OK. In the operating room I just remember seeing a whole team of people rushing around and the anesthesiologist telling me there was no time for an epidural, that he would have to put me completely under, and that everything was going to be OK. The last thing I remember is yelling at him "NO, ITS NOT OK!"
Then I woke up back in my room and was told that my baby girl was born at 9:12am (only 12 minutes after my doctor broke my water). I talked to several nurses and doctors that assisted and they all said it was a true emergency c-section in every sense. They said they didn't even properly scrub in....they just washed their hands real quick and cut me open as fast as they could. Courtlyn then made a very weak entrance into the world. They said she was blue, and her apgar score was only 4. But within minutes our pediatrician was able to get her breathing regularly and her second score was 8. The pediatrician told me that by the end of the whole ordeal she and my doctor and several nurses were all in tears. I thank God that I was completely under anesthesia because I don't think I could have handled all of that drama and stress.
Apparently the baby's cord was prolapsed, which is when the cord is positioned under the baby's head. Its potentially fatal because when the baby's head presses down on the cord it cuts off the oxygen supply to the baby. So that nurse that was on top of me with her hand in my cervix for 12 minutes was actually pushing the baby's head up, off the cord.
I truly believe that Joe was in that operating room with me, making sure we were OK. He knew me better than anyone else in the world, and he would know that there would be no way I could handle losing my baby....especially not now, having already lost him. Without him and my awesome doctors, I know Courtlyn wouldn't be here today. The pediatrican even told me that she was talking to Joe during the moments she was trying to get Courtlyn breathing. And even though I was asleep through the whole thing, I am certain he was right there by my side.
So I dropped my kids off and headed for the hospital at 9pm. It was so strange being there without Joe. We had done this together two other times, so I could easily picture him there and imagine what he would be saying and doing.
There were several awkward moments during my hospital stay....beginning with the 100 questions they asked me upon my arrival. The nurse asked if I had been under any stress during my pregnancy....I just rolled my eyes and said yes. Then a few minutes later she asked me if I was single or married. You should have seen her face when I told her I was widowed. I can only imagine what the conversation was like when she went back to the nurses station.
The next morning my new nurse came in at 7am. It was the same nurse sho had delivered Dylan just 2 years ago. She had already been told about Joe's accident and I could tell it was awkward for her, but I was glad to have her there and I thought she handled the situation great.
At 9am my doctor came in to break my water. When he did, he immediately mumbled something to the nurse and then told her to get the ultrasound machine. She yelled SHIT and ran out the door. Within seconds she was back, but the doctor told her there was no time. He told her to trade places with him and keep her hand in my cervix. As he started to leave the room he turned to me and said "you're about to have the fastest c-section in history". There was immediately a team of nurses running in my room, sushing me out the door to the operating room. I wasn't wure who was in danger, the baby or me, but I knew it was bad. I just yelled for someone to call my family.
I was taken to the operating room with my nurse still on top f m ewith her hand in my cervix. She was freaking out and I remember another nurse trying to calm her down and told that as long as she could still feel the baby's heartbeat that she was OK. In the operating room I just remember seeing a whole team of people rushing around and the anesthesiologist telling me there was no time for an epidural, that he would have to put me completely under, and that everything was going to be OK. The last thing I remember is yelling at him "NO, ITS NOT OK!"
Then I woke up back in my room and was told that my baby girl was born at 9:12am (only 12 minutes after my doctor broke my water). I talked to several nurses and doctors that assisted and they all said it was a true emergency c-section in every sense. They said they didn't even properly scrub in....they just washed their hands real quick and cut me open as fast as they could. Courtlyn then made a very weak entrance into the world. They said she was blue, and her apgar score was only 4. But within minutes our pediatrician was able to get her breathing regularly and her second score was 8. The pediatrician told me that by the end of the whole ordeal she and my doctor and several nurses were all in tears. I thank God that I was completely under anesthesia because I don't think I could have handled all of that drama and stress.
Apparently the baby's cord was prolapsed, which is when the cord is positioned under the baby's head. Its potentially fatal because when the baby's head presses down on the cord it cuts off the oxygen supply to the baby. So that nurse that was on top of me with her hand in my cervix for 12 minutes was actually pushing the baby's head up, off the cord.
I truly believe that Joe was in that operating room with me, making sure we were OK. He knew me better than anyone else in the world, and he would know that there would be no way I could handle losing my baby....especially not now, having already lost him. Without him and my awesome doctors, I know Courtlyn wouldn't be here today. The pediatrican even told me that she was talking to Joe during the moments she was trying to get Courtlyn breathing. And even though I was asleep through the whole thing, I am certain he was right there by my side.
July 21, 2007
The kids and I headed to Brookshires this afternoon. It took us an hour and a half just to buy $60 in groceries.
I gave Camryn and Dylan each a bag of candy to try and keep them quiet, and all was well for the first 15 minutes of our trip. But it didn't last long .
Courtlyn started screaming in her car seat, and it finally got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore so I got her out and carried her in one arm and pushed the cart with the other. That wasn't so bad, until she then continued to get more pissed off and I had to give in and feed her. So I'm walking through Brookshire's, attempting to read my list and actually buy things, while holding Courtlyn in one arm, holding the bottle with my chin, and still pushing the cart. At this point the kids were on a total sugar high....and anyone that knows Dylan (my 2 year old) can imagine what he's like after a bag of candy! He was all over the place. And my 4 year old, being the little bossy mother that she is, was trying to control him....which only made him act worse. Everytime I set Courtlyn up on my shoulder she would projectile vomit and scream, so in addition to everything else, I was covered in spitup too! The store was crowded of course, and it was hard to keep the cart going in the right direction since I was pushing it with one hand and holding a bottle with my chin, especially since Dylan kept jumping on and off the side rail. I was so stressed that I was starting to sweat, and an older lady walked by me and asked how old she was, and the told me I should have her covered in a blanket! What the hell? Did I look like I possibly gave a shit about a blanket? At that point everyone should have just been glad that I didn't leave all my kids at the store and come home by myself. Screw giving me advice about my cold baby....could someone just offer to get the canned pineapple off the top shelf for me?
I gave Camryn and Dylan each a bag of candy to try and keep them quiet, and all was well for the first 15 minutes of our trip. But it didn't last long .
Courtlyn started screaming in her car seat, and it finally got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore so I got her out and carried her in one arm and pushed the cart with the other. That wasn't so bad, until she then continued to get more pissed off and I had to give in and feed her. So I'm walking through Brookshire's, attempting to read my list and actually buy things, while holding Courtlyn in one arm, holding the bottle with my chin, and still pushing the cart. At this point the kids were on a total sugar high....and anyone that knows Dylan (my 2 year old) can imagine what he's like after a bag of candy! He was all over the place. And my 4 year old, being the little bossy mother that she is, was trying to control him....which only made him act worse. Everytime I set Courtlyn up on my shoulder she would projectile vomit and scream, so in addition to everything else, I was covered in spitup too! The store was crowded of course, and it was hard to keep the cart going in the right direction since I was pushing it with one hand and holding a bottle with my chin, especially since Dylan kept jumping on and off the side rail. I was so stressed that I was starting to sweat, and an older lady walked by me and asked how old she was, and the told me I should have her covered in a blanket! What the hell? Did I look like I possibly gave a shit about a blanket? At that point everyone should have just been glad that I didn't leave all my kids at the store and come home by myself. Screw giving me advice about my cold baby....could someone just offer to get the canned pineapple off the top shelf for me?
July16, 2007
Its 8:30 and all 3 kids are asleep! Thats right all THREE kids are asleep....I had my new baby girl on May 23 at 9:12am. Her name is Courtlyn LeeAnne and she arrived 2 weeks early, weighing 5 pounds, 13 ounces and 18 inches long.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
May 20, 2007
well, it looks like I'll really be having another baby soon. I can not believe that I will be a single mother of three children, all under the age of 5. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do this. I'm naturally a very nervous, anxious person....and have always been a compulsive worrier. Joe kept me in balance though. He was so calm and easygoing that it leveled me out. He was always assuring me that everything was OK. And he always made all the big decisions because I can't ever decide anything on my own. So now here I am with 3 kids to raise on my own. It would be different if my kids were older and I only had a few more years until they were grown.....but I have 20 years of this ahead of me! I'm trying to relax more and trying to be more like him, but so far its not working.
I think I have everything ready for the baby though. The crib is set up and the car seat is installed. I have bottles washed and formula in the pantry. I have a closet full of newborn diapers and a ton of clothes. So I guess I'm ready. Camryn and I finally settled on a name a few days ago. She's already changed her mind and decided that now she doesn't like it, but I'm holding her to it.
I think my doctor is just as nervous about the birth of this baby as I am. I've been going to him for 10 years, and considering I've had 3 babies in 5 years, I've gotten to know him pretty well. He knew Joe also. Joe always went to all of my prenatal appointments with me. Also, when we met with the doctor last summer to discuss the possibility of having another baby Joe's big concern was the health problems I had after I delivered Dylan. My doctor seemed to share his concern and wanted me to hold off on getting pregnant again until he did some more tests. Then I ended up pregnant before those tests were done. So now, here I am alone about to have baby when there's a very real possibility that I could die from complications. It was scary enough last time, but now there are 3 young children completely dependent on me. I can remember being in ICU thinking I may never see my babies again. I can remember Joe crying and telling me that he had never prayed so much in his life. But at least then my kids had their dad. This time its all on me. I think my doctor 's sense of responsibilty for me and my kids has increased greatly. He keeps telling me not to worry. That Joe worried about me because he was my husband, but that I shouldn't take on his worries for myself. But at the same time, he has been closely monitoring me, trying to avoid any complications. I can only imagine how he would feel if something happened. I keep trying to assure myself that God is not going to let something happen to me, that he would not let that happen to my children. But I know its still possible.
Please keep us in your prayers.
I think I have everything ready for the baby though. The crib is set up and the car seat is installed. I have bottles washed and formula in the pantry. I have a closet full of newborn diapers and a ton of clothes. So I guess I'm ready. Camryn and I finally settled on a name a few days ago. She's already changed her mind and decided that now she doesn't like it, but I'm holding her to it.
I think my doctor is just as nervous about the birth of this baby as I am. I've been going to him for 10 years, and considering I've had 3 babies in 5 years, I've gotten to know him pretty well. He knew Joe also. Joe always went to all of my prenatal appointments with me. Also, when we met with the doctor last summer to discuss the possibility of having another baby Joe's big concern was the health problems I had after I delivered Dylan. My doctor seemed to share his concern and wanted me to hold off on getting pregnant again until he did some more tests. Then I ended up pregnant before those tests were done. So now, here I am alone about to have baby when there's a very real possibility that I could die from complications. It was scary enough last time, but now there are 3 young children completely dependent on me. I can remember being in ICU thinking I may never see my babies again. I can remember Joe crying and telling me that he had never prayed so much in his life. But at least then my kids had their dad. This time its all on me. I think my doctor 's sense of responsibilty for me and my kids has increased greatly. He keeps telling me not to worry. That Joe worried about me because he was my husband, but that I shouldn't take on his worries for myself. But at the same time, he has been closely monitoring me, trying to avoid any complications. I can only imagine how he would feel if something happened. I keep trying to assure myself that God is not going to let something happen to me, that he would not let that happen to my children. But I know its still possible.
Please keep us in your prayers.
May 6, 2007
I have 3 weeks to get ready for this baby. The crib is is still in the attic, and all of my baby gifts are still sitting in Joe's shop, still unopened. I have NO motivation to get anything ready. Plus, since the baby will be sharing a room with me I have to clean out my room before I have room to move in baby stuff. I'm just praying that he doesn't decide to arrive early!
I realized last week that I have started living in anticipation of dying. Anytime I'm cleaning I'm thinking about someone else coming to clean out my house when I die.....I wouldn't want my mother to come clean out my house and find dirty baseboards would I? And tonight I organized all my files and even made a special box for all of our accounts....retirement, investments, savings accounts, and life insurance policies....so it will be easy for someone to come in and figure everything out. I'm even attempting to pay off all my credit card debt, so when I die no one will have to deal with that, or talk about how I spent my money. It would be different if Joe was still here to take care of things when I die....he already knew everything about me anyway. But now I'm looking at the fact that it will be my parents, relatives, and friends cleaning up the mess I've made while here on earth. If nothing else I guess I want them to say....."wow, didn't she keep a clean, organized house!"
I really need to get a life!
I realized last week that I have started living in anticipation of dying. Anytime I'm cleaning I'm thinking about someone else coming to clean out my house when I die.....I wouldn't want my mother to come clean out my house and find dirty baseboards would I? And tonight I organized all my files and even made a special box for all of our accounts....retirement, investments, savings accounts, and life insurance policies....so it will be easy for someone to come in and figure everything out. I'm even attempting to pay off all my credit card debt, so when I die no one will have to deal with that, or talk about how I spent my money. It would be different if Joe was still here to take care of things when I die....he already knew everything about me anyway. But now I'm looking at the fact that it will be my parents, relatives, and friends cleaning up the mess I've made while here on earth. If nothing else I guess I want them to say....."wow, didn't she keep a clean, organized house!"
I really need to get a life!
April 11, 2007
Today I wasn't feeling good and felt like I was going to pass out, and I realized that since Joe is gone if something happened to me no one would know. I started having a panic attack thinking about my children sitting here in this house and not being able to take care of themselves, while I could be laid out unconscious. So I asked Camryn if she knew what to do in an emergency if something was wrong with me. Her response...."call 1 9 9 ?" Pretty close, but not close enough if I'm laid out dying or in labor! So we had a lesson in dialing 911, and then I taped a big piece a paper with 911 on it above the phone. Every time I pass by it though its like a reminder of my own mortality, and reminds me that if something happens to me my kids will have no parents. They are counting on me. That is an enormous amount of responsibilty. Responsibility to live....somthing I haven't had much motivation to do lately. But as much as I would like to curl up and die, I know that I have to be here for my kids. I am ALL they have.
Dylan has started something new in the last few days. Whenever he gets upset about something he starts whining and says "find daddy! me find daddy" I don't even know what to say to him. He's 2, he doesn't have any clue where he is, he just knows that his daddy went to work, and never came home. And he wants to find him.
If I'm obligated to stay on this earth until my children are grown, its going to be a very long 20-30 years.
Dylan has started something new in the last few days. Whenever he gets upset about something he starts whining and says "find daddy! me find daddy" I don't even know what to say to him. He's 2, he doesn't have any clue where he is, he just knows that his daddy went to work, and never came home. And he wants to find him.
If I'm obligated to stay on this earth until my children are grown, its going to be a very long 20-30 years.
April 8, 2007
Tomorrow is Easter. Just one more day to get through. Today we wnet to the boardwalk for our church's Easter Festival. The kids had fun, but I was miserable. Not only was it 40 degrees, but we didn't wear jackets, and of course the obvious....Joe wasn't there this year.
Since he died 5 months ago, we've been faced with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Dylan's birthday, New Years, Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, and now Easter. I never before realized how many holidays there were. Of course these "special" days are really no more difficult than every other day. Everyday is hard...holiday or not. Every night I feel completely overwhelmed as the kids bedtime approaches. Tonight there were toys everywhere, egg dye all over the kitchen, the kids were right under my feet getting into everything, they were wound up just from the idea of the Easter Bunny, I was trying to get their water and snack made for bedtime, and Dylan starts fussing because he couldn't see the fish and he was trying to move te aquarium to see....I LOST IT! I yelled at him, and he took off to his room screaming and crying. Camryn ran after him to check on him, and I just leaned over the counter crying. She came out with him a few minutes later, holding his hand, telling him everything would be OK. They found me crying, and she asked what was wrong....I didn't answer, so she said "is it because of daddy?" And I told her honestly, that yes it was, and that I didn't feel like I could take care of them very well without him here. They both came over and hugged me and gave me a kiss, and Camryn said "You do take care of us Momma. You're the best momma ever." I told her that it was sweet to say that, but that I know that its not true....and she just hugged me. She is by far the ONLY thing that gets me through all of this. Ever since the day he died she has always stepped up at just the right moment to take care of Dylan when I lose my temper, or am hysterically crying. And she's always said things to try and make me feel better. Two days after he died, I was crying while I brushed her hair, and she just looked at me and said "Momma, don't be sad, we'll all be together again in heaven one day" She does make me feel better at my worst moments, but it makes me even more sad to think that she's only 4 years old, and has made it her job to make things better here. She shouldn't have to. I have no idea why my children have been dealt this hand in life. It breaks my heart even more than it already is.
Since he died 5 months ago, we've been faced with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Dylan's birthday, New Years, Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, and now Easter. I never before realized how many holidays there were. Of course these "special" days are really no more difficult than every other day. Everyday is hard...holiday or not. Every night I feel completely overwhelmed as the kids bedtime approaches. Tonight there were toys everywhere, egg dye all over the kitchen, the kids were right under my feet getting into everything, they were wound up just from the idea of the Easter Bunny, I was trying to get their water and snack made for bedtime, and Dylan starts fussing because he couldn't see the fish and he was trying to move te aquarium to see....I LOST IT! I yelled at him, and he took off to his room screaming and crying. Camryn ran after him to check on him, and I just leaned over the counter crying. She came out with him a few minutes later, holding his hand, telling him everything would be OK. They found me crying, and she asked what was wrong....I didn't answer, so she said "is it because of daddy?" And I told her honestly, that yes it was, and that I didn't feel like I could take care of them very well without him here. They both came over and hugged me and gave me a kiss, and Camryn said "You do take care of us Momma. You're the best momma ever." I told her that it was sweet to say that, but that I know that its not true....and she just hugged me. She is by far the ONLY thing that gets me through all of this. Ever since the day he died she has always stepped up at just the right moment to take care of Dylan when I lose my temper, or am hysterically crying. And she's always said things to try and make me feel better. Two days after he died, I was crying while I brushed her hair, and she just looked at me and said "Momma, don't be sad, we'll all be together again in heaven one day" She does make me feel better at my worst moments, but it makes me even more sad to think that she's only 4 years old, and has made it her job to make things better here. She shouldn't have to. I have no idea why my children have been dealt this hand in life. It breaks my heart even more than it already is.
April 3, 2007
Camryn has been asking for a pet since last summer, so today I gave in. We went to the pet store to buy a fish. Sixty-five dollars later, we came home with a fish, an aquarium, and a ton of junk to go inside for the fish to "play with". We've now had the fish for 10 hours and he has barely moved.....I don't know if he's sick or if there is so much crap in the aquarium that he can't move! But regardless, our turquoise beta fish, named Nemo, has filled our house with excitement. Camryn can't go more than 10 minutes without running back to see him, even though he still hasn't moved. She already refers to him as her best friend, and keeps asking if we'll really be able to keep him forever. And Dylan flips out if he walks by and notices that the light isn't on inside the aquarium. I never would have guessed that a little fish that doesn't even swim could cause such a commotion!
April 1, 2007
Last night I was going into the garage and when I opened the door a mouse scurried by! It was no bigger than a hamster, but scared me to death. So today I set out to trap it. I bought 8 glue traps and 4 spring loaded traps. They are set all over the garage. All I was thinking about was getting rid of it...what I didn't think about was what the hell I was going to do when it got caught in a trap. So tonight I start to go out to the car and I hear the damn thing squeaking, and its obvious by the sound that its trapped. I called several of Joe's friends, but no one answered. Now I won't go in the garage at all. So the mouse is just stuck in a trap, and appearently we're stuck in the house!
Its not like tonight wasn't bad enough. After the kids went to bed I began tackling the job of cleaning out Joe's closet. I don't want to, but I'm at the point where I have no choice. Our plans were to build a new house, with 4 bedrooms. But since he's gone I'm forced to stay in this 3 bedroom house. The new baby is already accumulating so much stuff, and since it doesn't have its own room, I don't have anywhere to put it all. I've been throwing a lot of it in Joe's closet, but its just been all over the floor and its gotten so bad that I can't even walk into it anymore. So tonight I started the process of cleaning it out to make room for all of baby's stuff, and getting it all organized. Of course I just sat in a heap of clothes in the middle of the bathroom floor and cried my eyes out. This is like admitting to myself that he's really not ever coming home....something I still don't want to accept.
Damn it! He NEEDS to come home. He needs to come home and give me a hug, play with the kids, let me sleep in, make pancakes for breakfast, take Camryn to school, take us out to eat, cut the grass, and kill the damn mouse!
Its not like tonight wasn't bad enough. After the kids went to bed I began tackling the job of cleaning out Joe's closet. I don't want to, but I'm at the point where I have no choice. Our plans were to build a new house, with 4 bedrooms. But since he's gone I'm forced to stay in this 3 bedroom house. The new baby is already accumulating so much stuff, and since it doesn't have its own room, I don't have anywhere to put it all. I've been throwing a lot of it in Joe's closet, but its just been all over the floor and its gotten so bad that I can't even walk into it anymore. So tonight I started the process of cleaning it out to make room for all of baby's stuff, and getting it all organized. Of course I just sat in a heap of clothes in the middle of the bathroom floor and cried my eyes out. This is like admitting to myself that he's really not ever coming home....something I still don't want to accept.
Damn it! He NEEDS to come home. He needs to come home and give me a hug, play with the kids, let me sleep in, make pancakes for breakfast, take Camryn to school, take us out to eat, cut the grass, and kill the damn mouse!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
March 28, 2007
Dylan is really starting to talk now. I've really enjoyed watching his language develop, but I should have known that it would come back to bite me in the ass. I now know that he's been picking up on everything that has been going on....he just hasn't been able to express it until now. Several times this week he has told me "no cry, mommy" when he sees me crying about Joe. And tonight when we had company over, he decided to say "daddy, die" over and over again until I acknowledged that he was right. Its just one more milestone the kids have reached that has been ruined because of the sadness that comes along with it. Its hard to enjoy his newfound vocabulary when its a constant reminder of Joe.
March 26, 2007
"You're full of shit. Why don't you get off your high horse and take a good long look in the mirror" Thats the response I got from my mother when I tried to explain why I wasn't socializing at the mardi gras parade. I tried to explain how hard it was to even be there without Joe, and that is the response I get from her!
I honestly don't understand some people. Do they honestly think everything is fine here? That I have gotten "over it" and life is ok again. Do they not realize that everything I do reminds me of him, and that he's not here. This was not just a good friend or close relative for God's sake....this was my husband. The person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. I think part of it is that some people don't realize just how close we were. Yes, he was involved in a lot of stuff outside of us, but we talked about everything. We were together all the time. If he was outside building a truck, I was right there beside him. We talked on the phone 4-5 times a day while he was at work. If he was out of town we talked on the phone even more, and he always called to tell me goodnight. We had a very special relationship. I understand that there are a lot of people who don't have this type of marriage, but we did. Its not something that I'm going to "get over". He's the only person I have ever been in love with. The day I met him my life changed for the better. That may seem exaggerated, but its true. I went from a life of way too much drinking and drugs, to a life that I never knew I could have. He is what motivated me to go back to school, to graduate, to have kids, to be a stay at home mom. Its really not that I just love kids so much that I wanted to have a ton of kids and stay home...what I loved was being with him and having kids. I loved being a mother AND wife, not just a mother. I didn't really enjoy all the days of staying home taking care of babies, but it made it worth it when he would walk in the door at 6:00 and we all sat around the dinner table. It made it worth it when I got to sit in the floor with him and the kids to play before bedtime. Thats one reason its so hard for me to see the joy in the kids now....because he's not here to share it with me.
So, I'm taking a long look in that mirror. And what I see is a girl who is torn apart, lonely, and depressed, and there's nothing that can change that. I will never again have the part of me that brought me happiness. He's gone, and unfortunately I'm left here without him.
I honestly don't understand some people. Do they honestly think everything is fine here? That I have gotten "over it" and life is ok again. Do they not realize that everything I do reminds me of him, and that he's not here. This was not just a good friend or close relative for God's sake....this was my husband. The person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. I think part of it is that some people don't realize just how close we were. Yes, he was involved in a lot of stuff outside of us, but we talked about everything. We were together all the time. If he was outside building a truck, I was right there beside him. We talked on the phone 4-5 times a day while he was at work. If he was out of town we talked on the phone even more, and he always called to tell me goodnight. We had a very special relationship. I understand that there are a lot of people who don't have this type of marriage, but we did. Its not something that I'm going to "get over". He's the only person I have ever been in love with. The day I met him my life changed for the better. That may seem exaggerated, but its true. I went from a life of way too much drinking and drugs, to a life that I never knew I could have. He is what motivated me to go back to school, to graduate, to have kids, to be a stay at home mom. Its really not that I just love kids so much that I wanted to have a ton of kids and stay home...what I loved was being with him and having kids. I loved being a mother AND wife, not just a mother. I didn't really enjoy all the days of staying home taking care of babies, but it made it worth it when he would walk in the door at 6:00 and we all sat around the dinner table. It made it worth it when I got to sit in the floor with him and the kids to play before bedtime. Thats one reason its so hard for me to see the joy in the kids now....because he's not here to share it with me.
So, I'm taking a long look in that mirror. And what I see is a girl who is torn apart, lonely, and depressed, and there's nothing that can change that. I will never again have the part of me that brought me happiness. He's gone, and unfortunately I'm left here without him.
March 15, 2007
I just went to check on Camryn in bed, to see if she was asleep yet, and I found her crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was sad about daddy. She said she was sad that he's not here and that she'll never be able to see him again. I keep trying to tell her that we'll all be together in heaven one day, but I know that she just wants to see him now. So do I. She asked me if daddy missed us and I tried to assure her that he loves and misses us as much as we miss him. She then told me that she wishes she had a giant box of band-aids to make him better so he wouldn't have died.
I try to hold it together for her, but everytime she starts talking like this I start crying uncontrollably. I can't stand to see my babies hurt like this, and I can't even imagine how losing their dad at such a young age is going to effect their entire lives. Its already changed their personalities, and its only been 4 months.
I try to hold it together for her, but everytime she starts talking like this I start crying uncontrollably. I can't stand to see my babies hurt like this, and I can't even imagine how losing their dad at such a young age is going to effect their entire lives. Its already changed their personalities, and its only been 4 months.
March 7, 2007
Today is the first day in a very long time that I felt happy, sort of. I was called by the state of Texas and was told that the man who killed my husband, by his wreckless driving, was finally arrested. The case went before the grand jury last week, and he was formally charged with criminally negligent homicide. He will be going to court sometime in the near future, and I'll get to face him and get the chance to tell him how his actions have affected our lives.
Of course, it still wasn't a purely happy moment. But it was the first time in 4 months that I felt like I could breathe.
When I found out I didn't know who to call and tell first. So I told Camryn. I told her that the man who hit daddy was arrested by the police and taken to jail. Her face lit up immediately, and her smile reached from ear to ear! She's been asking me for months if the man who killed her daddy was in jail and she was never satisfied with my answer. Well, she was today! We'll never have Joe back and I'll never be abe to forgive him for that. But at least I know that now he realizes what he has done. I can't wait for the day I get to see him in court.
Of course, it still wasn't a purely happy moment. But it was the first time in 4 months that I felt like I could breathe.
When I found out I didn't know who to call and tell first. So I told Camryn. I told her that the man who hit daddy was arrested by the police and taken to jail. Her face lit up immediately, and her smile reached from ear to ear! She's been asking me for months if the man who killed her daddy was in jail and she was never satisfied with my answer. Well, she was today! We'll never have Joe back and I'll never be abe to forgive him for that. But at least I know that now he realizes what he has done. I can't wait for the day I get to see him in court.
March 5, 2007
Its been four months since Joe died. If you do the math, its been 172,800 minutes, and I don't think a minute has passed that I'm not consumed by it. Not a minute has passed that I don't think about him....whether it be memories we shared together, or the accident, or just simply thinking about the fact that he's gone. It doesn't matter what I'm doing at the time....eating, driving, giving the kids a bath, talking on the phone, reading the kids a book, sitting in church, or anything else.....my mind is still preoccupied with thoughts of him. I'm still not sleeping....I stay up half the night and when I finally do go to bed, I toss and turn all night....still thinking about him. I would love to have just one minute of happiness again. One minute of letting all this go.
March 3, 2007
Maybe one day my family will get it....unfortunately, half us will face the death of a spouse, its inevitable. Maybe then they will see. They still probably won't understnad the magnitude of my loss, considering my age and the circumstances. But maybe they will understand how it feels to lose the one person in the world that you love more than life itself. How it feels to lose the one person in the world you KNOW you can count on. How it feels to go home to an empty house. How it feels to go to bed alone everynight.
Maybe then they'll see how they've expected too much from me. Or see how it hurts when you're abandoned by people you think you can count on. Maybe then they'll see how much it hurts to realize that your own family members don't care enough to even call, much less offer any help .Maybe then they'll realize that just because a couple of months have passed doesn't mean that everything is better. Maybe then they'll realize that there are NO good days immediately following the death of your husband.
And MAYBE when they go through it themselves and realize these things, I'll be over my hurt and anger toward them. But right now, everyday that goes by without a phone call a visit makes me more and more angry....and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
Maybe then they'll see how they've expected too much from me. Or see how it hurts when you're abandoned by people you think you can count on. Maybe then they'll see how much it hurts to realize that your own family members don't care enough to even call, much less offer any help .Maybe then they'll realize that just because a couple of months have passed doesn't mean that everything is better. Maybe then they'll realize that there are NO good days immediately following the death of your husband.
And MAYBE when they go through it themselves and realize these things, I'll be over my hurt and anger toward them. But right now, everyday that goes by without a phone call a visit makes me more and more angry....and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
March 2, 2007
I would give anything....
*to feel him touch me one more time
*to feel his hand on my back while I fall asleep
* for him to come up behind me and rub my back while I'm cooking, ironing, or getting dressed
*to feel his hand on my belly
*to hear the kids squeal "DADDY! DADDY!" and run circles through the house when he comes home from work
*to see Camryn on his shoulders
*to sit on the porch and drink a beer with him while he grills
*to see him asleep in the chair while rocking Dylan
*to see Dylan's eyes light up every time "Joe" walks in the room
*to walk in the bathroom and see both kids standing outside the shower door, just waiting for him to get out and play
*to see him swing the kids dangerously high
*for him to walk the kids and me to car when we leave
* to hear him say "I'm on my way home"
*to see Camryn get ridiculously excited about a trip to the dump, or Home Depot, or the auto parts store simply because she's getting to go with daddy
*to see him load the kids up in the "cool truck" for a ride around the block
*to look out the window and see him wash the cars with the kids "help"
*to walk in the room and see him playing with the kids and breaking all my rules
*for him to carry me to bed
*to sit in his lap and hug him while he watches TV
*to hear him laugh hysterically about the Chapelle Show while on the phone with Jimmy
*to hear his truck or motorcyle driving up the street and knowing he's home
*for him to him tell me to quit cleaning and come to bed
*for him draw an elaborate picture on Camryn's magnadoodle while we all sit and watch in amazement
*to help Camryn find him in a game of hide and seek
*to feel his hand on my knee when he's driving
*to see him walk across the parking lot to meet me at my doctor appointments
*for him tell me "Tracy, everything's going to be OK"
*to hear him say "I Love You"
*to feel him touch me one more time
*to feel his hand on my back while I fall asleep
* for him to come up behind me and rub my back while I'm cooking, ironing, or getting dressed
*to feel his hand on my belly
*to hear the kids squeal "DADDY! DADDY!" and run circles through the house when he comes home from work
*to see Camryn on his shoulders
*to sit on the porch and drink a beer with him while he grills
*to see him asleep in the chair while rocking Dylan
*to see Dylan's eyes light up every time "Joe" walks in the room
*to walk in the bathroom and see both kids standing outside the shower door, just waiting for him to get out and play
*to see him swing the kids dangerously high
*for him to walk the kids and me to car when we leave
* to hear him say "I'm on my way home"
*to see Camryn get ridiculously excited about a trip to the dump, or Home Depot, or the auto parts store simply because she's getting to go with daddy
*to see him load the kids up in the "cool truck" for a ride around the block
*to look out the window and see him wash the cars with the kids "help"
*to walk in the room and see him playing with the kids and breaking all my rules
*for him to carry me to bed
*to sit in his lap and hug him while he watches TV
*to hear him laugh hysterically about the Chapelle Show while on the phone with Jimmy
*to hear his truck or motorcyle driving up the street and knowing he's home
*for him to him tell me to quit cleaning and come to bed
*for him draw an elaborate picture on Camryn's magnadoodle while we all sit and watch in amazement
*to help Camryn find him in a game of hide and seek
*to feel his hand on my knee when he's driving
*to see him walk across the parking lot to meet me at my doctor appointments
*for him tell me "Tracy, everything's going to be OK"
*to hear him say "I Love You"
February 25, 2007
Its been a rough weekend so far. Yesterday it hit me how tired I am. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Just yesterday morning I had to drop Camryn off at preschool, spend 20 minutes at the bank dealing with our memorial fund, come home and get some paper work together, go pick Camryn up, meet with a lawyer and with my insurance agent....all this before 12:00. I'm just drained. I stay up until 2 or 3am every night, feel like I run circles trying to keep up with the cleaning and laundry....and nevre get a break. Both kids end up in bed with me every night....which is not very comfortable anymore now that I'm 25 weeks pregnant.
I think everything caught up with me this week. By yesterday after noon I felt like I was either going to die of exhaustion or at the very least have a nervous breakdown. Luckliy, Melissa volunteered to keep the kids for the night and give me a break. During my 24 hours without them I went to the cemetery, cleaned the house, did 6 loads of laundry, ironed clothes, and met with some of Joe's friends (trying to get ready to sell all his belongings) It was a nice break from the kids, but it wasn't very relaxing. Its strange because I'm always so busy and just wish for some alone time to sit and do nothing, but when I finally have that time I can't sit still. If I sit still for more than 2 minutes, I start to feel myself about to break down and have to get up and find something to do. I can't stand the silence of sitting quietly. I'm completely wearing myself out.
Its hard to go in the shop and see all of Joe's tools and equipment being priced. I know its something I have to do, and I know he would want me to, but it doesn't make it any easier. I can look around in there and can practically see him standing at his bike lift working on his bike. I can envision the kids running around at his feet trying to help him, like they did so many weekend afternoons. I can remember so vividly sitting on the stool beside him, drinking a beer, and just talking for hours while the kids slept inside. There's memories everywhere I turn. But I keep reminding myself that its just stuff.....what would Joe want me to do? I know the answer to that....he'd sell it in a heartbeat.
I used to cry every time he would leave me here to go on a trip, even just for a weekend, even for work. He hated that! He said I made him feel so guilty for leaving. I knew it made him feel bad, and thats partially why I did it. I hated being here without him, and I wanted him to know it. I would count the hours until he's be home. Last year when he was working the hurricane damage, I cried everyday on the phone wth him. I didn't want him there. He would be gone for 1-2 weeks at a time, and I thought it was the worst thing in the world.When he would call to say he was coming home for the weekend the kids and I would be so excited. I can remember him hating it too. One night he came home after being gone for two weeks and he swore that Dylan had grown since last time he had seen him. I could see on his face and in his voice how much that bothered him. Our family was so important to both of us, and we didn't like it being split up. The kids and I wanted him here, and he wanted to be here with us as well.
Its been 4 months since he died and I think its just starting to hit me that he's really gone....forever. I was driving home tonight with the kids and I caught myself thinking about how excited Dylan and Camryn would be if he walked in the house. And then it hit me....that will never happen. It was a scary realization.The idea of never seeing him again is more than I can take. Its like my mind still can't even process that thought. When we got married I remember thinking that the word "forever" seemed daunting.....but that word has become even scarier now. To know that I have to live the rest of my life without him, forever, is the scariest thing I've ever had to face.
And I have another excerpt from a book that sums up my feelings perfectly:
"If only I knew it wouldn't be so long before I saw him again, Lord, I could get through this.
If only I knew that I could see him once a year for a week, I could handle being a widow. Not easily. But it would be better than the indefinite wait.
There would still be the dark days. But at least there would be a light in this long tunnel of grief.
If only I could be with him.....
*for a week, once a year. Just one week out of 52. Is that asking too much?
*all right, so maybe even just for a day, one day out of 365. Surely you could spare one day out of an eternity of them?
*Or even an hour a year. One hour out of 8,760. Surely that is not unreasonable, Lord?
I'd promise not to ask him any questions that would disclose trade secrets. Like....
*What do you do where you are now? Are there really choirs of angels? What is the eternal He like?
*Who is there with you? Who is not?
*What is going to happen tomorrow? Will the children have happy lives?
*What is the answer to the problem of suffering?
*Will the stock market go up or down?
*How does it feel in transition?
*When do I finally join you? How will it happen? Should I worry about making it at all?
Even if I asked, he wouldn't answer, Lord. You know how careful he was about keeping confidences.
And if there's any question, I'll gladly sign whatever contract you wish. "The party of the second part (that's me) agrees not to ask any questions about what goes on After. And the party of the first part (that's You) agrees that X can spend one hour each year with his wife."
If its a problem, he and I don't even need to talk. Just sitting holding hands would be fine, and to see him smile once again. Could the children be there too, for maybe 15 minutes? Or am I pushing my luck?
Yes, I realize that he is in a more advanced state now, one I cannot even begin to comprehend. So maybe if we did talk, it would be hard for me to understand him. But thats okay, too. Anyway, maybe you could temporarily block out or delete the advanced knowledge. I would be perfectly happy to see him just the way he was.
I know Lord, it would mean my having to let him go again, until next time. And that would never be easy. No matter how many times I do it. But it would also mean being able to say hello again the next time, instead of waiting it out along the long corridor of years.
I know, Lord, his spirit is with me now. And don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for that.
But still, would it be asking too much to ask for more? Just one hour out of so many?
Would it be so difficult? For you who raised the mountains from the sea and scattered the stars and envisioned giraffes and butterflies?
Could you not let me have just one week, one day, one hour? To get me through until I join You and all the others and the hour moves out of time?"
I think everything caught up with me this week. By yesterday after noon I felt like I was either going to die of exhaustion or at the very least have a nervous breakdown. Luckliy, Melissa volunteered to keep the kids for the night and give me a break. During my 24 hours without them I went to the cemetery, cleaned the house, did 6 loads of laundry, ironed clothes, and met with some of Joe's friends (trying to get ready to sell all his belongings) It was a nice break from the kids, but it wasn't very relaxing. Its strange because I'm always so busy and just wish for some alone time to sit and do nothing, but when I finally have that time I can't sit still. If I sit still for more than 2 minutes, I start to feel myself about to break down and have to get up and find something to do. I can't stand the silence of sitting quietly. I'm completely wearing myself out.
Its hard to go in the shop and see all of Joe's tools and equipment being priced. I know its something I have to do, and I know he would want me to, but it doesn't make it any easier. I can look around in there and can practically see him standing at his bike lift working on his bike. I can envision the kids running around at his feet trying to help him, like they did so many weekend afternoons. I can remember so vividly sitting on the stool beside him, drinking a beer, and just talking for hours while the kids slept inside. There's memories everywhere I turn. But I keep reminding myself that its just stuff.....what would Joe want me to do? I know the answer to that....he'd sell it in a heartbeat.
I used to cry every time he would leave me here to go on a trip, even just for a weekend, even for work. He hated that! He said I made him feel so guilty for leaving. I knew it made him feel bad, and thats partially why I did it. I hated being here without him, and I wanted him to know it. I would count the hours until he's be home. Last year when he was working the hurricane damage, I cried everyday on the phone wth him. I didn't want him there. He would be gone for 1-2 weeks at a time, and I thought it was the worst thing in the world.When he would call to say he was coming home for the weekend the kids and I would be so excited. I can remember him hating it too. One night he came home after being gone for two weeks and he swore that Dylan had grown since last time he had seen him. I could see on his face and in his voice how much that bothered him. Our family was so important to both of us, and we didn't like it being split up. The kids and I wanted him here, and he wanted to be here with us as well.
Its been 4 months since he died and I think its just starting to hit me that he's really gone....forever. I was driving home tonight with the kids and I caught myself thinking about how excited Dylan and Camryn would be if he walked in the house. And then it hit me....that will never happen. It was a scary realization.The idea of never seeing him again is more than I can take. Its like my mind still can't even process that thought. When we got married I remember thinking that the word "forever" seemed daunting.....but that word has become even scarier now. To know that I have to live the rest of my life without him, forever, is the scariest thing I've ever had to face.
And I have another excerpt from a book that sums up my feelings perfectly:
"If only I knew it wouldn't be so long before I saw him again, Lord, I could get through this.
If only I knew that I could see him once a year for a week, I could handle being a widow. Not easily. But it would be better than the indefinite wait.
There would still be the dark days. But at least there would be a light in this long tunnel of grief.
If only I could be with him.....
*for a week, once a year. Just one week out of 52. Is that asking too much?
*all right, so maybe even just for a day, one day out of 365. Surely you could spare one day out of an eternity of them?
*Or even an hour a year. One hour out of 8,760. Surely that is not unreasonable, Lord?
I'd promise not to ask him any questions that would disclose trade secrets. Like....
*What do you do where you are now? Are there really choirs of angels? What is the eternal He like?
*Who is there with you? Who is not?
*What is going to happen tomorrow? Will the children have happy lives?
*What is the answer to the problem of suffering?
*Will the stock market go up or down?
*How does it feel in transition?
*When do I finally join you? How will it happen? Should I worry about making it at all?
Even if I asked, he wouldn't answer, Lord. You know how careful he was about keeping confidences.
And if there's any question, I'll gladly sign whatever contract you wish. "The party of the second part (that's me) agrees not to ask any questions about what goes on After. And the party of the first part (that's You) agrees that X can spend one hour each year with his wife."
If its a problem, he and I don't even need to talk. Just sitting holding hands would be fine, and to see him smile once again. Could the children be there too, for maybe 15 minutes? Or am I pushing my luck?
Yes, I realize that he is in a more advanced state now, one I cannot even begin to comprehend. So maybe if we did talk, it would be hard for me to understand him. But thats okay, too. Anyway, maybe you could temporarily block out or delete the advanced knowledge. I would be perfectly happy to see him just the way he was.
I know Lord, it would mean my having to let him go again, until next time. And that would never be easy. No matter how many times I do it. But it would also mean being able to say hello again the next time, instead of waiting it out along the long corridor of years.
I know, Lord, his spirit is with me now. And don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for that.
But still, would it be asking too much to ask for more? Just one hour out of so many?
Would it be so difficult? For you who raised the mountains from the sea and scattered the stars and envisioned giraffes and butterflies?
Could you not let me have just one week, one day, one hour? To get me through until I join You and all the others and the hour moves out of time?"
February 19, 2007
Joe and I both always figured I would be the one to die first....I'm awful at taking care of myself....I'm the smoker, I'm the distracted driver, I've had a history of health problems (most recently my doctor suspected kidney disease...but was wrong), I don't eat right, I don't get enough sleep, and the list could continue.
Not long before Joe died I remember having a conversation with him about dying. We were mainly just teasing but I remember telling him that if I died I wanted him to get remarried. He was quick to shoot that idea down but I insisted that I would want him to find someone to be the mother figure for our children. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but the main point here is that I could envision myself dying and leaving my family behind, but I never fathomed HIM being the one to leave us.
Once again, this came from a book I've been reading:
"Why couldn't I have been the one to go first, my love? I know you didn't have any choice in the matter. But still....
I used to say to you, conscious of the approaching years, "If you have any sense of decency, you'll let me go first."
"Isn't that rather selfish of you?" you would ask.
"Of course it is," I said, selfishly. "But I still want to go first."
It didn't work out that way.
You would have handled it better, if I had gone first.
You would have been that desirable creature--the extra, eligible man.
I am that problem person--the extra woman.
You could have taken refuge in one of your spontaneous, unexpected naps and escaped briefly into sleep.
You know I always had a touch of insomnia.
You, who always held doors open and stood back to let others through before you, went first through the one door I wish you would have held for me.
I keep pounding and crying, "Come back, come back." But the door stays closed.
I keep pounding and crying, "Can't you open it just a crack and let something through---a wisper, a dream?" But the door stays closed.
Tell me my courteous love, is there a closed door somewhere waiting for you to hold open for me so that we'll be together on the other side?"
Not long before Joe died I remember having a conversation with him about dying. We were mainly just teasing but I remember telling him that if I died I wanted him to get remarried. He was quick to shoot that idea down but I insisted that I would want him to find someone to be the mother figure for our children. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but the main point here is that I could envision myself dying and leaving my family behind, but I never fathomed HIM being the one to leave us.
Once again, this came from a book I've been reading:
"Why couldn't I have been the one to go first, my love? I know you didn't have any choice in the matter. But still....
I used to say to you, conscious of the approaching years, "If you have any sense of decency, you'll let me go first."
"Isn't that rather selfish of you?" you would ask.
"Of course it is," I said, selfishly. "But I still want to go first."
It didn't work out that way.
You would have handled it better, if I had gone first.
You would have been that desirable creature--the extra, eligible man.
I am that problem person--the extra woman.
You could have taken refuge in one of your spontaneous, unexpected naps and escaped briefly into sleep.
You know I always had a touch of insomnia.
You, who always held doors open and stood back to let others through before you, went first through the one door I wish you would have held for me.
I keep pounding and crying, "Come back, come back." But the door stays closed.
I keep pounding and crying, "Can't you open it just a crack and let something through---a wisper, a dream?" But the door stays closed.
Tell me my courteous love, is there a closed door somewhere waiting for you to hold open for me so that we'll be together on the other side?"
February 17, 2007
I have no idea how Dylan does these things (black eye, bruises, cuts, scrapes), but yesterday he managed to top himself. He fell off the dining room chair and managed to completely mangle his thumb. After 30 minutes of bleeding all over the house, nonstop screaming, and a fingernail hanging off, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to take him the the doctor. His pediatrician wasn't in the office at the time, and none of her partners had an opening, so I loaded him up in nothing but a diaper and headed for the closest Quick Care office. I didn't even notice until I was half way there that I was still in my pajamas, that were now covered in blood! We arrived at Quick Care only to be turned away. I was told that as bad as it was we would need to go to the ER. So off we went. I got there got him signed in and began waiting only to be told that the wait would be unusually long because several ambulances had just arrived. So I called my pediatrician at home (I'm sure she now regrets ever giving me the number!) I told her what was going on and she called one of her partners and he agreed to see us. So off we went again, in 35 degree weather, with Dylan still wearing nothing but a diaper. After waiting at the pediatrician's office for about an hour we were finally seen. They did an x-ray, and it showed that on top of the bleeding and ripped off nail, he also broke his thumb! Its so swollen that they really didn't want to mess with it at all. He has an appointment with a hand specialist/surgeon Monday morning. At least he's on a pretty good pain mediacation to get us through the weekend.
I was thinking about everything today and I remembered one time right after I started staying home with the kids....I was cleaning the bathtub, and when I turned around and looked at Dylan, who was 13 months old at the time, he looked like he was foaming at the mouth. Then I looked at his hand and he was holding the container of Comet. My first reaction was to call Joe, just like always, and ask him what the hell I should do. My next call was to poison control . He ended up being fine. But Joe loved to make fun of me, and say what a great job I was doing as a stay at home mom. It had only been two weeks, and I was already having to call poison control!
Since he died, Camryn dropped a cup on her toe and lost her toenail, Dylan fell and almost bit through his tongue, and Dylan has mangled his thumb so bad that he may have to have surgery.....I can only imagine what he's thinking about my parenting skills now!
I was thinking about everything today and I remembered one time right after I started staying home with the kids....I was cleaning the bathtub, and when I turned around and looked at Dylan, who was 13 months old at the time, he looked like he was foaming at the mouth. Then I looked at his hand and he was holding the container of Comet. My first reaction was to call Joe, just like always, and ask him what the hell I should do. My next call was to poison control . He ended up being fine. But Joe loved to make fun of me, and say what a great job I was doing as a stay at home mom. It had only been two weeks, and I was already having to call poison control!
Since he died, Camryn dropped a cup on her toe and lost her toenail, Dylan fell and almost bit through his tongue, and Dylan has mangled his thumb so bad that he may have to have surgery.....I can only imagine what he's thinking about my parenting skills now!
February 13, 2007
The following is an excerpt from a book I have, "The Death of a Husband":
Hug me.
Try to understand me.
Listen to me as you'd want to be listened to.
Meet me for lunch, coffee, dinner.
But stop with the stiffen-your-spine exhortations already.
They don't help. They do hurt.
Hold my hand.
Lend me a book.
Don't pity me.
Weep with me.
Share your grief with me, and I'll weep with you.
But don't pretend that if you ignore it, it will go away.
If it hurts to hear about it, think how it feels from the inside!
Hug me.
Try to understand me.
Listen to me as you'd want to be listened to.
Meet me for lunch, coffee, dinner.
But stop with the stiffen-your-spine exhortations already.
They don't help. They do hurt.
Hold my hand.
Lend me a book.
Don't pity me.
Weep with me.
Share your grief with me, and I'll weep with you.
But don't pretend that if you ignore it, it will go away.
If it hurts to hear about it, think how it feels from the inside!
February 12, 2007
couples
I got something in the mail that was like someone putting a dagger through my heart. It was addressed to "Tracy and guest". I thought it was junk mail, but I opened it anyway. It was an invitation to a wedding shower....a "couple's" shower. The fact that I'm no longer a couple was just thrown in my face. Granted, I know I was invited out of kindness; its a good friend of Joe's that is getting married. And we would have no doubt been there if Joe was still here. But, it was still hard to see for several reasons.
Being addressed to "Tracy and guest" was probably the the worst part. Again, I'm not just the average single person that might possibly have a date to bring. I'm a widow of only 3 months. The person who I'm a couple with is dead.
I went ahead and ordered them a present and I will make sure it is taken to the shower by someone, but not by me. There's no way I can attend this event. I can't go and pretend that it doesn't bother me to be around a bunch of couples....people who still have the person they are in love with. I should be going with him .
I would never wish the pain I'm in on anyone, but I still can't help but be bitter, and wonder why it had to be him. And why I have to be the one going through this.
I got something in the mail that was like someone putting a dagger through my heart. It was addressed to "Tracy and guest". I thought it was junk mail, but I opened it anyway. It was an invitation to a wedding shower....a "couple's" shower. The fact that I'm no longer a couple was just thrown in my face. Granted, I know I was invited out of kindness; its a good friend of Joe's that is getting married. And we would have no doubt been there if Joe was still here. But, it was still hard to see for several reasons.
Being addressed to "Tracy and guest" was probably the the worst part. Again, I'm not just the average single person that might possibly have a date to bring. I'm a widow of only 3 months. The person who I'm a couple with is dead.
I went ahead and ordered them a present and I will make sure it is taken to the shower by someone, but not by me. There's no way I can attend this event. I can't go and pretend that it doesn't bother me to be around a bunch of couples....people who still have the person they are in love with. I should be going with him .
I would never wish the pain I'm in on anyone, but I still can't help but be bitter, and wonder why it had to be him. And why I have to be the one going through this.
February 11, 2007
same as divorce? Category: Life
In the past 3 months I've read a lot of books and articles, and talked to a lot of people. One thing I've noticed is the comparison of divorce to losing a spouse to death . I do recognize the similarities....both situations require you to learn how to live by yourself again. Possibly raise your kids alone. Face the holidays alone. Make decisions alone. And more.
BUT, as a widow, my husband was taken away from me without me being given a choice. I didn't get to sign a paper saying I agreed to this. THIS WAS NOT THE DAMN PLAN!!
~My kids don't get to see thair dad on the weekends or on holidays. They can't send him a valentine card in the mail; they get to put one on his grave instead.
~I don't get to send them to their dad's house and get a break. I have to take care of them 24 hours a day.
~I don't have the positive outlook of finding someone else someday.....I never wanted to spend my life with anyone but him.
~Divorced women can work fulltime and still receive child support. I don't get child support....I receive social secuity, which isn't enough to live on. But if I go back to work I'll quit getting it.
~I don't resent my husband or think about the bad parts of our marriage...I still love him and will forever miss him. And all I can remember are the good things and how awesome he treated me, and how I'll never have that again.
~I promise that if I had been given a choice or a paper to sign I would NOT have signed off on this.
In the past 3 months I've read a lot of books and articles, and talked to a lot of people. One thing I've noticed is the comparison of divorce to losing a spouse to death . I do recognize the similarities....both situations require you to learn how to live by yourself again. Possibly raise your kids alone. Face the holidays alone. Make decisions alone. And more.
BUT, as a widow, my husband was taken away from me without me being given a choice. I didn't get to sign a paper saying I agreed to this. THIS WAS NOT THE DAMN PLAN!!
~My kids don't get to see thair dad on the weekends or on holidays. They can't send him a valentine card in the mail; they get to put one on his grave instead.
~I don't get to send them to their dad's house and get a break. I have to take care of them 24 hours a day.
~I don't have the positive outlook of finding someone else someday.....I never wanted to spend my life with anyone but him.
~Divorced women can work fulltime and still receive child support. I don't get child support....I receive social secuity, which isn't enough to live on. But if I go back to work I'll quit getting it.
~I don't resent my husband or think about the bad parts of our marriage...I still love him and will forever miss him. And all I can remember are the good things and how awesome he treated me, and how I'll never have that again.
~I promise that if I had been given a choice or a paper to sign I would NOT have signed off on this.
February 5, 2007
Since the day after day Joe died I have been looking for two letters. One was written from him to me on Christmas of 1999....our first Christmas that we were married. When he asked me what I wanted that year, I told him all I wanted was for him to write me a "love letter". He laughed and said there was no way. But he did it :) It may have been somewhat forced by me, but he still did it. That was the one and only time he ever wrote to me.....and now I'm so glad I "forced" him to do it! The other one was written to him by me last Valentines Day (2006). I have searched the whole house and garage for them and was finally convinced that they must have been thrown away some how. Well, today I was going through some boxes of kids clothes getting ready to sell them, and in the bottom of one of the boxes I found them.
My dearest Tracy,
At first this was going to be one of the most difficult gifts ever to give. But after a little thought and some paper, it was really easy.
Its so easy to love you; you're beautiful, caring, compassionate, very smart, and no matter how much you don't understand me or my ways, you still love me.
I know you will be happy to receive this, but the real gift here is you. Which I should thank your parents for that.
I had really given up on a lifelong commitment until you came into my life. This is the best Christmas ever, our first together.
Of all I have in my life you are my most cherished, I know I tell you, but do you really know how much I love you?
With you, I feel an equal give and receive of love. Something I've never felt before. Even when we are apart, I feel a need to be with you. That desire can only be love, love for you..
I know we may face difficult times in our relationship, but always remember our greatest Christmas gift to eachother was each other.
I Love You Always, Joe
Joe,
In all the commotion with the kids, I somehow ended up without a card for you. I thought about going to buy today, but I decided to write you instead.
Valentine's Day is just another day to us, but I still wanted to tell you how much I love you. I remember you sending me roses 8 years ago, on our first Valentines Day together. It seems like yesterday in a way, but at the same time its amazing how much has changed. If someone had asked me that day where I would be in 8 years I never would have guessed that I'd be married to you, graduated college, teaching, have 2 kids, you having your own business, and now me a full-time mom!
I love you so much, and I love the life we have built together. You and the kids are my whole world, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I walked into Power Cleaning for an interview I was just looking for a way to pay the bills; I had no idea I would find someone to spend my life with. I'm so glad I took that job! I found these papers in a box today and wanted to show you, as a reminder of the fun, easy times we used to share together. Things aren't as easy and fun right now with the kids, and its hard to remember those times. But I love you even more today.
So yes, Valentine's Day is just another day, but its also one more day of our life together, which makes it a pretty special day. Happy Valentine's Day!
I Love You, Tracy
With that letter I included two papers we had painted with watercolors 8 years earlier after babysitting my niece. Mine said "I Love You" and his said "Joe Loves Tracy (most)"
I doubt that most people realized that Joe had a side to him like that, but thats what I saw from him all the time. I always refered to him as "my knight in shining armor" and he truly was. I'm sure people would also be surprised to know that we were still that much in love after 9 years and two kids. But I wrote him that letter only 8 months before he died, and it shows how deeply we still loved each other. Looking back, I'm so glad I wrote that to him.....since it was our last Valentine's Day together. I could be wrong, but I think a lot of people live their whole lives not experiencing the kind of love we had. And as sad as I am that he's not here with me now, I consider myself blessed to have had him at all.
My dearest Tracy,
At first this was going to be one of the most difficult gifts ever to give. But after a little thought and some paper, it was really easy.
Its so easy to love you; you're beautiful, caring, compassionate, very smart, and no matter how much you don't understand me or my ways, you still love me.
I know you will be happy to receive this, but the real gift here is you. Which I should thank your parents for that.
I had really given up on a lifelong commitment until you came into my life. This is the best Christmas ever, our first together.
Of all I have in my life you are my most cherished, I know I tell you, but do you really know how much I love you?
With you, I feel an equal give and receive of love. Something I've never felt before. Even when we are apart, I feel a need to be with you. That desire can only be love, love for you..
I know we may face difficult times in our relationship, but always remember our greatest Christmas gift to eachother was each other.
I Love You Always, Joe
Joe,
In all the commotion with the kids, I somehow ended up without a card for you. I thought about going to buy today, but I decided to write you instead.
Valentine's Day is just another day to us, but I still wanted to tell you how much I love you. I remember you sending me roses 8 years ago, on our first Valentines Day together. It seems like yesterday in a way, but at the same time its amazing how much has changed. If someone had asked me that day where I would be in 8 years I never would have guessed that I'd be married to you, graduated college, teaching, have 2 kids, you having your own business, and now me a full-time mom!
I love you so much, and I love the life we have built together. You and the kids are my whole world, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I walked into Power Cleaning for an interview I was just looking for a way to pay the bills; I had no idea I would find someone to spend my life with. I'm so glad I took that job! I found these papers in a box today and wanted to show you, as a reminder of the fun, easy times we used to share together. Things aren't as easy and fun right now with the kids, and its hard to remember those times. But I love you even more today.
So yes, Valentine's Day is just another day, but its also one more day of our life together, which makes it a pretty special day. Happy Valentine's Day!
I Love You, Tracy
With that letter I included two papers we had painted with watercolors 8 years earlier after babysitting my niece. Mine said "I Love You" and his said "Joe Loves Tracy (most)"
I doubt that most people realized that Joe had a side to him like that, but thats what I saw from him all the time. I always refered to him as "my knight in shining armor" and he truly was. I'm sure people would also be surprised to know that we were still that much in love after 9 years and two kids. But I wrote him that letter only 8 months before he died, and it shows how deeply we still loved each other. Looking back, I'm so glad I wrote that to him.....since it was our last Valentine's Day together. I could be wrong, but I think a lot of people live their whole lives not experiencing the kind of love we had. And as sad as I am that he's not here with me now, I consider myself blessed to have had him at all.
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